Getting them to open up to you
Communication is key when it comes to connecting. Learn how to get people to open up to you — the right way.
by: E.B. Johnson
When it comes to our relationships, clear lines of communication are key in order to keep both parties happy, equal and in-sync. Whether it’s our friendships or our relationships, bonds formed without honest communication are bonds that are doomed. It’s not always easy to keep the lines open when the hard realities of life are bearing down on you, but it’s critical in order to keep ourselves (and our mental wellbeing) at peace.
When we’re battling depression, loss or just a major life-change it can be hard to open up and share our feelings — even with the people we love most. If you’re living or working with someone who struggling, getting them to open up can be critical — but getting someone to open up is an art that takes time, compassion and understanding to master.
Why our loved ones shut down.
People shut down for a number of reasons, and none of them pleasant. Stonewalling is a coping mechanism that can cause us to emotionally or physically withdraw due to feeling psychologically or physiologically overwhelmed. Refusing to react or engage has a number of damaging consequences, but you have to understanding the reasoning of the injured party before you can help them open up.
Avoidant coping mechanisms
The things we learn in childhood follow us throughout our lives in both productive and destructive ways. When we grow up in a “you’re on your own” environment, we can develop avoidant attachment methods that can cause us to respond to trauma or stress by shutting down, rather than addressing the underlying issues and getting to the root of our problems.
Avoidant coping mechanisms are toxic and can vary from person to person. It’s an easy default to fall into, however, especially when you’ve come to believe that your needs don’t matter, or they’ll never be met.
When we’re lost in the woods, we go back to what we know — and for those of us with traumatic childhoods, that’s often that shutting down is the safest thing to do. If you’re dealing with someone who’s shut down, beware; there might be more lurking under the surface than you realize.
Fear of rejection
Rejection is a very real fear faced by each and every one of us. Getting turned down or rejected by someone that matters is a painful experience that can leave us feeling vulnerable and off-kilter with our sense of self. Fear of rejection is a complex emotion, which can be triggered by a number of life events like death, divorce or event estrangement. Whether the events or related or not doesn’t matter. It’s more about the loss and the processing of the complex emotions that come along with it.
Feelings of guilt or judgement
Those who struggle with avoidant or ambivalent attachment adaptations often have a hard time admitting their feelings — even to themselves. Rather than dealing with these issues head on, they internalize them, which then causes them to manifest as feelings of fear of judgement and even guilt.
Unresolved guilt is a bit like an alarm going off in your head, non-stop, chipping away at your mental stability and wellbeing. Guilt can make it hard to think straight and feeling fearful of the judgement of others can leave you paralyzed, leading to missed opportunities and the erosion of relationships that would be otherwise helpful.
A 12-step process for getting them to open up.
It’s important to note here that getting someone to open up is a delicate process and not one that should not be taken on lightly.
Though talking about our issues can be cathartic or even healing, talking before we’re ready (or before we’ve had a chance to process) can be more damaging than not speaking up at all. You should think of this process more as a reaching out, rather than a reaching in. Use these 12 steps and get the person you love to open up the right way — when they’re ready.
1. Agree to discuss things.
The first step in reaching out to anyone is simply agreeing to have a discussion at all. Wait for a safe and secure moment in which you are both fully comfortable, and set down a good time for you both to talk about things. Choose a moment in the near-future that works for you both, and commit to it — no matter what.
2. State your intentions.
Once the day has come to talk things out, open it up by stating your intentions from the outset and being honest, open and frank about what your thoughts or concerns are. Let the other person know what it is you seek, and let them know what you hope to do for them by the end.
Phrases like, “I hope that we will both just feel more comfortable talking about the hard stuff by the end of this,” or “I just want us to both feel like we’re living in an open, judgement-free environment, where we can express ourselves however we need to.” You can also try compassionate approaches like, “I hope to be able to listen more openly to your feelings and needs and not be so defensive when it comes to things that are hard for me to hear.”
As important as it is to state your intentions at the outset, it’s just as important to take the time to clarify those intentions before your conversation. Square away your feelings and be honest about why you’re reaching out. Make sure your intentions are coming, not from a place of selfish interest, but a place of honest compassion. Being helpful is one thing, being nosy is another. Be sure of your intentions before you ask someone to open up about the hard stuff to you.
3. Stay centered, grounded and open.
When dealing with any difficult conversation, it’s critical to stay centered, grounded and open at all times — even if that seems like the most difficult challenge in the world. Show a willingness to listen and look for the underlying feelings that are indicated through the thoughts, feelings and words of the other party.
Often, all we want is to be heard. But that requires the other party to stay present in the moment by remaining centered and grounded to conversation and the words that the other person is speaking. Be present by being proactive and getting involved in where the other person is coming from. You’ll be surprised at the difference that it makes.
4. Fess up to your missteps.
If your friend, partner or loved one admits to having issue with something that you’ve said or done, it’s important to stick your hands up and take responsibility for the part you played. Remember that, in any relationships, it’s a give and take and everyone plays a part when things go wrong.
Unfortunately, we don’t get to decide whether or not we’ve hurt someone. If one friend or partner expresses a problem, we have to accept that we’ve done hasn’t had the effect we intended.
Accepting responsibility allows you to interrupt the cycle of blame and get to the resolution stage quicker, but you have to be strong enough to fess up for the part you’ve played — whether you want to or not.
5. Remind yourselves that change is possible.
The great thing about life is that it is full of change, blooming abundantly all around us in a garden of variety that makes us better for its adversity. No matter what our history or track-record of previous failures might be, it is always possible to change — but it takes acceptance and it takes a willingness to embrace the unknown with a happy abandon than can make us feel more off-balance than we did before (at first).
It is possible to interrupt even the most deeply-embedded patterns, but you must remind yourself that change is possible and you must do it often.
When encouraging someone to open up to you, let them know that change is always waiting around the corner and that you embrace it openly, as they should too. Hold onto your vision of a successful outcome and remember that it’s not possible to change other people, but they can want to change themselves.
6. Promote trust and respect.
People don’t open up to those they don’t respect and they don’t open up to those they don’t trust. Speak in ways that encourage these values and promote an environment of honesty, safety and openness.
Be patient and don’t take things personally. Show, through your actions and your words, that you’re someone who does what they’ll say; that you’re someone who can be trusted. Ask what you can do to help them open up and let them know that — no matter what they say — you are a judgement free zone, incapable of seeing them any differently for what they have to say.
7. Drop the self-righteous justifications.
Once the other party has had an opportunity to open up about what’s wrong, avoid the temptation to drop into the self-righteous justifications (if their issues happens to involve you).
Instead, focus on understanding, rather than being understood. Too often, we think we can make it right by making the other person see it from our side.
Drop that compulsive need and seek to see things from their side instead. It doesn’t matter why you did it — it just matters that you address what happened and focus on a resolution both parties can be happy with.
8. Remember it’s always roughest before the resolution.
After you’ve gotten someone to open up, things often get rockiest just before we reach a resolution. As feelings and memories are dredged up, our emotions can surge right along with them, resulting in some turbulent feelings for both sides that will reside naturally as you slide toward a resolution.
9. Patience. Patience. More Patience.
Getting someone to share their innermost feelings or ideas with you isn’t an easy thing, and it’s not always a one-and-done process. Be patient with the other party, both in the time it takes them to open up, as well as the time it takes them to get all those bad feelings and emotions out.
Someone who has shut down is a person who is plagued by a sea of complex emotions and past experiences. They need time to process how they feel, and they need time to share things in a manner that’s in line with their authentic needs.
Be patient and understand that these situations don’t resolve themselves overnight. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was our personal baggage. It took years to accrue so give it some time to simmer.
10. Acknowledge the instant improvements.
Once we’ve been given a chance to share our feelings honestly and openly, we can often experience instantaneous improvement. If someone you love has opened up to you, acknowledge those improvements as you see them, and look for the little shifts that might occur almost imperceptably. Even the smallest shift in dialogue is worth acknowledging. Harder conversations are better held between the buns of a compliment sandwich.
11. Don’t worry about their intentions.
Damaged people damage other people, that’s just a fact of life. It’s important, when reaching out to someone who is shutting down, to remember that their intentions don’t matter — yours do.
While they might be expressing their feelings in order to manipulate or change your behavior, the only thing that matters is that you listen and make it clear that they can express themselves when they feel the need to. This doesn’t mean you need to give in, or even worry about where they’re coming from. The only thing you can control is your intentions, so those are the intentions you should be focusing on.
12. Thank them — even when the sharing is small.
Once you’ve ended your dialogue — no matter where you’ve ended it — it’s important to thank your partner or loved one for sharing (no matter how meagre the tidbit).
It takes a lot of courage to share any part of ourselves with someone else. Even opening up on the most superficial of levels can feel like a gargantuan quest these days, so it’s important to express gratitude for the effort it takes to take on that task.
No matter what the outcome is, thank your friend, partner or loved one and make it clear that you understand what it took. Express a desire the continue the conversation at a later date and let them know you’re there for them, not matter what feelings come next.
Important tips for getting them to open up to you.
Before you address your friend or loved one, it’s important to keep a few key things in mind about opening up to others, or getting them to open up to us. Trust is a funny thing and to lose it or gain it is no small feat.
Be an ally, not an adversary.
Though it can be frustrating to think that someone is shutting down when they should be opening up, it’s important to come from a place of ally-ship rather than adversary-ship.
Becoming dismayed with someone who can’t or won’t open up isn’t fair. We all have things in our pasts that leave us damaged, but it’s up to us when we’re ready to address those things and share them with other people.
If someone you love is stonewalling you, it’s important to approach only when you can do so from the place of an ally. Be a shoulder, not a battering ram, and remember that healing is a process that happens in ages and in phases. We all have our own journey and it takes time to get to the point where we feel safe enough to share.
Don’t be a crowbar.
Opening up is scary and it’s a process that’s got different timeframes for different people. Don’t bully the other party into opening up and don’t try to force information from them before they’re ready to offer it up. Don’t be a crowbar when what you need to be is a “Welcome” sign. Let them know they’re safe, but don’t force the meal before it’s cooked.
Put the nagging away for another time.
Nagging never got anyone anywhere, and it’s just as forceful a method as trying to bully information out of someone.
If your partner or loved one is struggling to open up, don’t nag them and don’t try to guilt them into giving into your demands for open and compassionate sharing. Nagging and nudging will only make the other party clam up. Put it away for another time and pick the battles that actually matter.
Focus on the empathy.
Once you get the other party to open up, it’s important to keep the focus on empathy and make sure they know that they’re being heard.
This can be done by letting them know that you “get” what they’re saying, or by letting them know that you identify with their feelings.
When someone is struggling it’s important to emphasize empathy, but that can only be done when your intentions are squared away and you’re coming from the right place yourself.
Understand that some hidden wounds are too deep for you to address.
Sometimes, the wounds that are causing our partners, spouses or loved ones to shut down are too deep for us to address. In those cases, it’s important to have the courage to say, “I’m out of my depth,” and reach out to a mental health professional that can be of assistance in untangling the complex web of emotions that sometimes lead to a stonewalling of someone we love.
Though we might feel as though we could (and would) do anything in the world to help someone we love, the hard-to-swallow truth is that we can’t always be the hero that the other party needs.
Being an adult means knowing when it’s time to take a step back, or when it’s time to step in. We’re all responsible for our own healing, but some wounds are just too big to lick from the privacy of our own homes.
Putting it all together…
Overcoming the impasses that block up our most meaningful relationships is never easy, but it’s necessary in order to maintain stability and happiness in our lives. Most of it comes down to willingness, as well as an understanding of what it takes for someone to open up or share the way they’re feeling. If you want to get someone to open up to you, it’s important to go about it the right way and know that everyone’s healing is different and everyone shares at different stages in the process.
Agree to discuss things at a time that works for you both, and make your intentions clear at the outset when you do. Stay centered and present in the moment, and fess up if the conflict involves you. Change is possible, but we have to foster that change in an environment of trust and respect in order to make it clear that we can drop our egos. So, take a step back, take a deep breath and let the other person know that you’re there for them no matter what. Be a helping hand, not a window-bashing crowbar, and encourage deeper connection by opening up to change and acceptance.
