Are the A-Holes Winning?
I am so ready to slap a bitch.
My husband and I live on a corner lot that abuts one of the main arteries through our town. When we moved in, approximately 25 years ago, it was a sleepy side street. In other words, nice and quiet.
Apparently now, it has evolved into the suburban version of the Indianapolis 500. I couldn’t tell you why. I rarely drive anywhere these days, so where are these assholes going?
Is there an assholes’ convention somewhere? Maybe in a forest preserve or a park? If so, I hope they’re guzzling Lysol cocktails as prescribed by their fearless leader.
I was in a good mood this morning. Full of energy and ready to tackle spring cleaning projects. Bursting with goodwill and joyful at the prospect of a beautiful day. It’s been a frigid spring thus far in Chicagoland. Dark, dreary, and cold.
My morning coffee was robust. The birds were singing outside. Our cats gathered by the screened-in deck door to check out the avian activity and all was well with the world. Or as well as it can be, now.
After drinking my coffee and checking email, I swept and hosed off the deck, and furniture, which I had schlepped out from the garage and tackled a number of other items on my to-do list. I washed the spring quilt, switched out curtains, etc. Frankly, I was feeling pretty damned pleased with myself.
And then it started: The incessant and unbelievably annoying “drag-racing” up and down said side street. Now, I don’t know if it’s one asshole or several, but what the hell is wrong with people?
Where the F do they think they’re going and why do they have to get there so fast? Practically every place is closed for Christ’s sake!
Undoubtedly, tough times bring out the best and the worst in people. But for someone like myself, who by and large thinks that most people are schmucks, I’m beginning to wonder “who’s on first.”
Another thing that bugs the hell out of me. People who throw garbage on our lawn. Yesterday, I picked up a couple of soda cans, some random bags and other shit.
It’s not like we don’t live in a nice neighborhood! We do. There is no crime to speak of, no domestic abuse, no annoying neighbors…none of that. Actually, no one seems to talk to one another here, so “neighbors” may be overstating it. But I’m fine with that.
Apparently, though, we have plenty of assholes who think nothing of littering and mowing down helpless creatures in the street.
The more I think about it, the more I believe we need a superhero. Marvel Comics style. Someone, man or woman, big, strong, and pure of heart (or not), to take these idiots by the throat and shake the shit out of them.
And then, when he or she is done with the everyday idiots, they can take care of the Big Kahuna of Assholes, AKA, the Orange Turd, AKA, the Most Reprehensible Person in the World — the POTUS.
The thing is, I’ve been trying really hard to not let this “shelter in place” mandate and the terrible news, and above all, the waste of so many lives put me in a funk from which I might never recover. Or set me on the path to drinking myself to death.
I’m trying to get my head in a zen place and that’s really hard to do when assholiness is so rampant.
But I’ll do it. I wouldn’t want to leave my fans and my friends here in the lurch. Because as far as I can tell, there’s not an asshole in the bunch.
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
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