Dear Andrew

You’re like a pan of baked ziti, warm, comforting and you never disappoint.

The following is an open letter to Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York.

“Dear Governor Cuomo…Andrew…or even, Andy, if I may. Why aren’t you President of the United States?

Why, instead, are we stuck with an orange-colored idiot with a criminal mentality who spews hatred like a hungover frat boy spews vomit? And a Vice President who is “living” testimony to what a skilled taxidermist can achieve?

Why? This half-Italian American wants to know!

For days, I’ve watched you address your state and the nation. You are articulate, where Trump is bumbling. You are clearly concerned about your constituency where Trump clearly doesn’t give a shit. You are intelligent and yes, “presidential,” where Trump is an “apprentice” who is clearly way over his head.

And, you are hot as hell.

Even your hotshot younger brother, CNN correspondent Chris Cuomo, would make a better president than what we’re currently forced to swallow.

As I watch you, I am nearly moved to tears thinking of what might have been. And what should have been, if we had an actual human being in the Oval Office, instead of a turd on two legs. Pardon me, but you know I’m right and I’ll bet you say a lot worse when the cameras are off. Something like,

Bah Fungoo!

With the appropriate hand gesture. Am I right? C’mon, you know I am. I can practically feel that dazzling smile as I write this.

Oh, Andy, just like a plate of ooey-gooey baked ziti, I could eat you with a spoon!

One of the things I really appreciate is that you stick to the facts. There’s no conjecture, no lies, no bullshit. You look directly into the camera, without a prepared script. Trump, on the other hand, can’t find his ass with both hands. And have you noticed that his eyes appear to be getting smaller? What’s up with that?

Some people find you to be a little “rough around the edges.” As someone who has always gone for the bad boys, I happen to find that sexy. Just letting you know in case you ever make it out to the Chicago area — after the pandemic, of course. My husband probably won’t read this anyway, so it’s okay.

Too, your detractors have called you a “bully,” and have referred to you as being “too controlling.” Again, that doesn’t bother me. On the contrary, I’m turned on by that.

Critics aside, there’s no denying that your popularity is through the roof right now. Everyone is impressed with your aptitude for taking over in a crisis, even those dumbass Republicans. Now that’s some kind of feat! At least this writer thinks so.

Did I happen to mention that I’m half-Italian?

So, Andy, what would you think about taking over the Presidency? Oh, I understand you can’t do that right now, but ultimately, we need someone like you to lead us out of the darkness and into the light. Not that light. Not the one that POTUS is trying to usher us toward. But, that’s what will happen if we continue on like this — if he is allowed to continue on.

I’m just throwing this out there, but do you think…damn, this is tough…but what would you say to doing the country and the whole world a solid by putting Trump in a place where he can no longer do any harm. Like the Amazonian rain forest. Alone. With no Big Macs or hair spray.

Surely, you “know a guy who knows a guy,” right?

Please?

Sincerely,

Sherry “I’m half-Italian” McGuinn

How’s that Caroline de Braganza?

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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