Are Sideboobs the New Cleavage?

Boob fashion is transforming how we display our breasts

Yesterday I asked a friend if she had any ideas for boob stories. She said, how about underboobs and sideboobs? I’d heard of sideboobs but underboobs sounded like a condition where your secondary boobs were hidden beneath your primary boobs. Were underboobs four boobs? Was that something people did now?

I did my research before I started spreading misinformation about the new four-boob craze. I was wrong. Underboobs mean your boobs show from below the shirt.

To accomplish underboob, you have to wear a child’s t-shirt. You’re not a child. You’re a woman. Underboobs work best with bigger boobs but they also have to be bouncy and firm enough to maintain their position.

Inspecting the underboob closer, it reminded me of upsidedown cleavage. I tried it myself but as soon as I start running or jumping, I’m essentially topless.

When I was growing up, cleavage was the only boob fashion choice. There wasn’t sideboob or underboob. You hoisted your breasts up or you didn't. You made yourself look stacked or you didn’t.

I sideboobed when I was younger, but not on purpose. Sideboobing happened by mistake. I wore a threadbare tank top that I should have thrown out and my boobs popped out the sides. It was more of a whoopsie than an ooh la la.

Sideboobing first showed up in the early 2000s. Svelte actresses and models started wearing slip dresses that were low cut around the armpits. I was perplexed.

Low-cut was supposed to happen in the front. Some of us tried to make DIY sideboob shirts but we were no Gwen Stefanis. We looked like we got attacked by werewolves.

I wasn’t sold on sideboob. Sideboob only benefited women described as “a slip of a girl”, “a waif” or “she was so small, you could put her in your front pocket.” Sideboob fashion was for girls you could carry over your head with one hand without screaming, “Oy!! Dah-link! My back!”

The sideboob appeared more elegant than cleavage — if only because it didn't scream “look at my tits!” Women with sideboob floated. Sideboob demanded no bra, thin silky fabric, and a gazelle-like gait.

What also surprised me about sideboob fashion was it showed off droopy breasts because it required the absence of bra. Everywhere I saw sideboobs, I saw droopy breasts. Was droopy okay now? I needed an update. Sideboob was too subtle for me. While cleavage was an exclamation point, sideboob was an ellipsis.

The media started to refer to sideboob as the new cleavage, but did we really need a new cleavage? I’d always hated the word cleavage. It sounded like you were trying to unjam something from under a tractor wheel.

Cleavage sucked and push-up bras were its willing enablers. Underwires and padded bras were modern-day corsets shoving our boobs upward, as close to our chins as possible. Did some girls push them up too far? Of course, they did. Cleavage is like big hair or eyelashes. Some people don’t know when to stop pushing up.

I never loved cleavage but it was a means to an end. Spiritually, it wasn’t for me, but romantically, it got the job done. The problem with cleavage has always been you can’t pick who sees it. You might get the guy, but you also accumulate passer-by-guys. Cleavage provides too much unsolicited exposure.

When I was breastfeeding and hanging out with co-breastfeeders, we had different feeding styles. The weirdest one was a tablecloth, called a hooter hider that you hung over your head like a poncho. You concealed your baby underneath it like a smuggler. Hooter hider moms made the rest of us look like exhibitionists.

I think the hooter hiders were onto something though. If you only want the person you’re sexually interested in seeing your cleavage, sideboob, or underboob, you can wear your hooter hider until you approach your love interest. Then, voila! You rip it off your hooter hider like a magician’s tablecloth. That way you get rid of the riff-raff.

This brings me to my initial question. Is sideboob the new cleavage or is underboob? Sideboob is perfect if you like a high neck but still want the girls to get some air conditioning. Underboob is great if you like cleavage but you prefer it upside down. Hooter hiders are great if you’re done showing passers-by your breasts altogether.

Thanks to Sara Zadrima for artistic excellence. And thank you, Betsy Denson for you editing chops!

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