Are Rejections From Your Past Holding You Back?
It’s time to let them go
Our minds hold on to memories from times when we felt rejected.
Think back to your childhood. Around the ages of 1 to 8.
Focus on the word ‘rejection’ for a few minutes. What events spring to mind?
Often when we suffer rejection at a young age, the memory is still very clear years later.
Did you get a memory? I bet you did.
Can I tell you the one that haunts me the most?
Then I will help you release yours.
Miss Smith
I can clearly see Miss Smith today, standing close to me in the classroom with a handful of paintings. Did she already know it was me?
I have no recollection of what we had been painting. Somehow mine had gone horribly wrong. Maybe the paint had smudged or run, I can’t recall now, fifty-six years later.
We had put our paintings on the teacher’s desk as we went out for break time. When we came back, our primary school teacher, Miss Smith, was holding up one of the paintings that she stated was a ‘right mess.’
‘Who did this one?’ she asked with a smirk.
There was no way on this earth I was going to admit to it being mine.
Of course, there was an easy, if slightly laborious, and agonising for me, way of finding out.
One by one, she held the paintings up. One by one, they were claimed.
I sat frozen to the spot.
‘God help the pupil left at the end of this,’ she remarked half way through.
I asked God for help. Couldn’t he just set off the fire alarm or something? He didn’t help.
No one helps a coward.
Finally, everyone had their paintings back. Apart from one very frightened little eight-year-old girl.
What would Miss Smith do?
Send me to the headmaster? Expel me? Tell my parents?
‘Why didn’t you own up?’ she said, in front of the whole class who were now all looking at me.
All I could manage was ‘I forgot.’
‘She forgot,’ she said to the whole class.
Maybe the class laughed but I don’t think they did. Looking back now, I hope at least some of them sympathized with me and mentally called her an old bag. Which I do think she was.
That was over 50 years ago. I have not painted a picture since. Maybe I should.
What I wonder is what else that incident has stopped me from doing and why do I still see it so clearly?
Our brain just wants to protect us
On reflection, I do wonder whether this humiliating incident is the reason why I never did like school.
Of course, the incident wasn’t extremely humiliating. I am sure people have had much worse experiences.
But it clearly did affect me, and I felt rejected. That feeling of ‘not good enough’.
Our brain wants us to survive. It will always guide us towards pleasure and away from pain. My brain had no concept of what a teacher being horrid means, it just registered this incident as painful based on how it made me feel at the time. Therefore, school is painful, painting is painful, and people judging me is painful.
My brain will try to help me avoid these painful things at all costs, even now.
How to let go of memories of rejection and limiting beliefs
Your beliefs and personality were shaped as you grew up and by the time you reached adulthood, the person you are was formed.
Some of your beliefs are way outdated, though. Like the software in a computer, beliefs need regular updating.
So, this is how I let go of this memory. It is how I also let go of any limiting beliefs and negative memories that come up. It is how you can release your own too.
Step #1 — What is still true about the event in the present?
Does Miss Smith still exist?
By now she would be in her eighties so, yes, quite possibly she is still around somewhere.
I do wish her well by the way.
Am I still a pupil in her class? No.
Am I still 8? No.
Is she still humiliating me? No.
If I am honest, she never did. It was just my timidity.
Answer — Nothing about this incident exists in the present
Step #2 — Who cares?
I realize that I am probably the only person on earth keeping this story going.
I doubt Miss Smith or any other person in the class gave it another thought.
Answer — No one cares
Step #3 — What has changed?
I am no longer 8.
I am grown up.
I no longer have to paint pictures if I don’t want to.
I can choose whether I do or don’t.
If I painted a picture now and it went wrong. I would just start again, correcting what went wrong.
Answer — I make my own choices
Step #4 — Do I need my brain to protect me from rejection?
I am old enough now to know that sometimes things will go wrong. People will hurt me, reject me, and let me down. I will sometimes feel embarrassed.
It is all part of life.
Answer — I can handle rejection, so no I don’t need my brain to protect me.
Step #5 — What do I want my brain to do now?
My brain needs to realize that I no longer need to worry about being rejected. The limiting belief that this incident triggered is the one that tells me I am not good enough so people will reject me.
This means undoing a lifetime of beliefs. There are many other occasions where I felt rejected. All of these have been stored as ‘evidence’ that this belief is correct. It is my brain’s way of knowing it is doing the right thing.
The solution is to conquer those anxious moments where my brain starts panicking because I am about to face a situation where I might get rejected. This could be anything from talking to a stranger to asking for a discount in a store.
When these thoughts start, I:
- Accept that they are there
- Take some deep breaths to let my nervous system know I am OK
- Mentally repeat over and over, ‘I can do this’ and ‘Everything is going to be OK.’
Gradually and over time, I have found that I am feeling less and less nervous about trying new things and meeting new people.
Last Words
Miss Smith was the first incident that came to mind when I thought of rejection. As I said, there were many other times when I felt rejected as a child.
Being compared to my younger sister.
Parents who never told me they loved me.
Other parents seeing their children off at the coach for a school trip and me walking to school on my own with my suitcase.
And lots more.
These incidents are just part of life and we can never go back and change the way things were.
We do have the power to choose our beliefs about life, and what we are and are not capable of.
We can take control of our thoughts and emotions.
We have so much more power than we realize. This power can be unlocked by taking control of how your brain responds. In other words, changing the way you think and respond.
Is it time to unlock your power?
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