Are Narcissists Patient When Targeting Their Victims?
How long will they wait?
A narcissist seeks two things — narcissistic supply and preservation of their false narrative. They require both from other people and are unable to provide these for themselves. For this reason, they target people who they believe will supply both. This occurs outside of their conscious awareness — they’re moved by survival of the fittest.
And, like a lion, they are determined to survive. It’s instinctual.
The narcissist will spend a great deal of time studying you, a potential victim. They learn your habits, likes, dislikes, communication style, love language, and way of seeing the world.
The narcissist then starts to mirror this knowing to you, the target.
How?
- Knowing how you like your coffee
- Clearing the snow off your car (especially if you like acts of service)
- Hugging you, if you’re a hugger
- Telling boisterous jokes, if you’re an extrovert
- Using language like, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “I see your point of view,” or “I feel your disappointment,” depending on your speech patterns
- Running into you on your favorite jogging trail
The narcissist also studies your weaknesses and insecurities
Do you have a strong desire to be seen and heard? Do you seek validation from others? Do you take responsibility for things that have nothing to do with you? Do you have something to prove? To whom?
They will adapt their behavior to accommodate this, as well
- Putting their phone down and giving you their full attention when they know you long to be seen and heard (bonus points for not taking a call because you’re more important)
- Validating your point of view
- Complimenting you
- Admiring how responsible you are
- Taking your side in any conflict
- Telling and showing you how much they are NOT like your father, mother, ex
This takes time.
The narcissist is very patient. They are hoping that you are the one to become their primary source of narcissistic supply, to become their top flying monkey. This is subconscious.
For a covert narcissist, they are hoping you are the one to complete their fantasy world, the made-up world they’ve created for decades.
Next comes testing
After the foundation has been laid, they start testing you. Again, this is subconscious. They devalue you a little and notice how you react. Devaluing you gives them narcissistic supply. If you continue to engage, they devalue you a little more — in a different way, noticing,
- Hmmm, blaming works.
- She’s a total sucker for projection. Look at her defend herself!
- I can’t believe he fell for that one! My story was ridiculous.
- Wow. I put her down and she apologizes.
- He’s so easy to deflect. He now thinks he’s the problem.
- She wants to be loved so badly, she’ll put up with anything.
- He’s so easy to manipulate. I can get anything I want.
This also takes time.
If you fail the tests, take a stand for what’s true, and call them out, they will quickly move on to someone else.
But if you stay despite the tests, their time and effort, their patience has been worth it.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How to Repel a Covert Narcissist and What is the Best Way to Reject a Narcissist?
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