Are Men Intimidated by Successful Women?
Why the woman who can provide for herself is a scary creature
It was my fourth date with Robert,* and I was finally comfortable with him picking me up at my house. He arrived, and I headed out to his car. As I sat down, he turned to me and said, “That’s a big house for one adult.”
I never know how to respond to these statements, but I usually deflect with humor.
“Yes, I better get procreating and fill those rooms with babies.”
I never heard from him after that date.
I have grown accustomed to this pattern. The first few dates go smoothly. We laugh, flirt, spark each other’s intellect, and then I let him pick me up at my house. That’s when things fall apart.
He sees where I live, is oddly uncomfortable, and then makes a graceful exit the next day. This has happened to me so many times that my friends tease, “Your house is a boner killer.” And every time, I scratch my head and wonder why.
I once tried another experiment on my dating profile. I swapped a picture of me in a bikini for a picture of me being interviewed on PBS.
Boy, did that switch make my matches drop! Maybe men saw it as a humblebrag. Who knows. But why shouldn’t I be proud of my success as an author? It took me over fifteen years to go from begging my local paper to interview me to interviews in major television stations.
Why is my bikini picture a turn-on while my career picture is a turn-off?
My father always says, “If you don’t know the answer to a question, the answer is usually money.”
I hate that my dad is always right.
The truth is painfully obvious. Men are programmed to provide. I would even argue that their every action upon meeting a woman is signaling — I can provide for you.
Think my theory is hyperbolic? Ok, then let’s examine the pictures men use in dating apps, which is arguably the quickest way to demonstrate status and wealth.
There’s the obvious — the guy next to the flashy car, boat, house, etc., is signaling his economic status. The guy holding up a fish is signaling he will be a good provider too (but maybe only to women who like to eat fish.) The gym selfie guy is also signaling that he has the resources to eat well, exercise, and provide for a woman. The guy with his head in a lion or doing something extreme…Yep, also signaling that he has the resources to go to wildlife sanctuaries, put his head in a lion, and live to tell about it. Go, Tarzan.
Better yet, next time you are on a dating app, count the pictures that reveal a man’s socioeconomic status. I guarantee every man has at least one. Now try to do the same with women. I bet you won’t find many selfies of authoritative women in boardrooms wearing sharp suits.
So what happens when a man meets a woman whose 401k is big enough to afford her a few bingo rounds in the senior center when she retires.
Yeah, so that woman is terrifying.
That woman short-circuits a man’s brain. If he can’t offer safety and prosperity…how the heck is he going to seduce this woman? Kindness? Screw that. Nice guys finish last. Intelligence? She is already surrounded by her cognoscenti of friends with different intellectual strengths. That box is checked too. Loyalty? That’s a tough one. Because it is one of the hardest for men (and women) to give, and we only give it once we have invested in someone.
But therein lies the rub. Men don’t know how to invest in a woman who doesn’t need a provider. And so here we are in this failure to launch.
The research will back me up. Men self-report that they are looking for intelligent, confident, ambitious women. But in dating experiments, they don’t choose them.
This is why I constantly downplay my success. Like most women, I walk a tightrope of appearing independent and not too needy, but not so independent that I wouldn’t need a big, strong man to provide for me occasionally. (Or at least fix my leaky faucet when I can’t get a plumber in time.) This is exhausting.
Of course, I am making the sin of generalization. For every ten guys terrified by a successful woman, there will be one that is not.
So let’s focus on that guy.
That guy brags to his friends about his girlfriend’s accomplishments, and whenever she hits a goal, he is the first to cheer her on. He doesn’t try to impress her with status symbols because he knows she is looking for something deeper. If she grew up in a more affluent family, he never throws it in her face that her life was easier. He doesn’t compete with her. Her wins are his wins.
Now, here’s how you snag that guy, ladies. Stop downplaying your fabulousness.
That guy wants the tiger in the boardroom. He wants an independent, determined woman who values her career. And he isn’t scared off if she makes more money than him.
He also defies the longitudinal studies that find men worldwide choose mates based on appearance. He gives points for intelligence and success. Attraction matters, but it is not his primary focus. He is not a statistic.
I wish more women held up their metaphorical dead fishes in their dating profiles. If more women flaunted their successes, they would hook men who appreciate them because of those qualities.
*Names changed to protect the fearful.
