Are Men Really More Horny?
Or are women just conditioned to keep desire under wraps?
My husband would happily have sex daily, while my ideal rate would be more like once a week. But are those our natural urges? Or products of conditioning? And ultimately, does it matter? I think that it does.
As I’ve written in my Chronicle of an Open Marriage, I suggested my husband seek sex outside our marriage (of too many years to count) because I was tired of fighting about sex. It was always the same fight. He wanted more sex. I didn’t. And that cascaded into a plethora of emotional problems for both of us.
Since we began the experiment five months ago, a number of changes have occurred. The biggest one is he’s opened up his thinking, and so have I. While we used to hunker down and defend our positions while fighting, both hurt and baffled by how huge and entrenched the battle had become, now…we don’t.
Much of that is due to counseling, but counseling is due to the experiment. Before, Hubs wouldn’t consider counseling. He deemed it pointless for such a dysfunctional marriage — and honestly, so did I. But when we decided to open our marriage, we also decided to get help. We’re newbies to the alternative sex scene and needed guidance. We’d been strictly monogamous for years on end.
The counselor we chose had recommended opening a relationship to a friend, so we knew he wouldn’t judge us or try to shut our experiment down. That was important to us. He was also gay, and that appealed too, since as it turns out, Hubs is bisexual. And maybe so am I? But that’s a story for another time…
For now, let’s fast forward to today, five months into the experiment. What have I learned so far?
- I truly value my husband. That wasn’t apparent to me before. I was so busy defending myself against him that I couldn’t remember how he appeals. But then I heard our counselor say that to him in session, “She really values you,” and I realized that my husband didn’t know that, because I rarely expressed it. And I also realized that it was true.
- I’m not really adverse to giving oral. I decided many years ago that I don’t like giving blow jobs. I couldn’t imagine that anyone truly did. “Who would ever want to put a penis in their mouth?!” I asked Hubs once, as if the idea was patently ridiculous. “A million gay guys?” he answered. Duh! But then in counseling, when I heard myself telling our counselor I didn’t like giving blow jobs, and saw his perplextion (is that even a word?), I softened. And later, when I tried it, I realized it was not a big deal. It wasn’t that I loved it. But I didn’t hate it, either. My long-held belief about my anti-oral predilection just disappeared: poof!
- The point of sex is not for Hubs to ejaculate. This one is SO important, because it changes the frame of our sexual interaction completely. Like many women (or so I’ve read), I often had sex in the past just to appease my husband. I knew he’d be irritable if he didn’t get sex, and life was better when he wasn’t irritable, so I spread my legs and manipulated him to ejaculate as soon as he could. But that kind of sex was not satisfying either one of us. I felt used and resented being “forced” to capitulate just to have a happier atmosphere at home. And he felt demeaned and belittled, because that’s exactly what I was doing to him. Even though he ejaculated, he wasn’t truly satisfied, which just caused our dysfunctional cycle to continue. He wanted more more more not because he was so insatiably horny, but because he hadn’t really gotten what he sought. He wasn’t really being satisfied. He wasn’t really being loved. Figuring out that sex was NOT what we’ve been led to believe (a mutual effort for the man to ejaculate) was a life-changing realization, even though it seems pretty obvious to me now.
- I don’t have to come, either. Having an orgasm is a big undertaking for me, and it’s fraught with some negative psychic repercussions (See Turning the Tables on My Spanking Fetish). Unlike me, Hubs LOVES to give oral, and will gladly focus on trying to make me come for a long, long time. Still, he doesn’t always succeed, and I don’t always want him to. Honestly, I sometimes feel like orgasming is giving up some of my soul. I don’t always WANT to orgasm. I want to protect my secret sacred soul — to keep it to myself. And luckily, what we’re both learning is that sex doesn’t have to have a climax. (Imagine that!) Instead, sex can be a long, luxurious dip into physical pleasure. I love being touched. I love skin-to-skin contact. I love being made to feel valued and attractive, and so does he. Doesn’t everyone? We can touch each other, play with each other, kiss and suck and pet each other, and we can also give each other permission or help to masturbate if that’s what is wanted or needed. Age is a factor in our new understanding, because Hubs can’t always keep it up. Just yesterday, he said “I don’t think I can come,” as if this was a problem. I replied, “You don’t have to.” And even though this doesn’t ultimately matter, I will add that later, when the pressure was off, he did.
But all this is ignoring my original question. Are men hornier than women?
What I’m finding in the midst of our experiment is, no. Because the more Hubs and I loosen up, the more we let go of the social conditioning that tells us that women are supposed to withhold and men are supposed to pursue regardless of their sexual partner’s feelings — a recipe for dissatisfaction for both sexes — the more we find ourselves meeting gladly in the middle.
So no, I don’t think men are naturally more horny than women. I think that actions that make it seem to are a product of harmful conditioning.
Let’s be good to each other instead. Let’s not demand or sacrifice. Let’s not look for climax or completion, but ongoing love. Let’s touch each other and help each other and value each other’s minds and hearts and bodies. Let’s learn how to have sex in a new way — a more expansive and freer and satisfying way. Let’s let love and our instincts for compassion teach us how.
For further reading…
Hubs and I just opened up our long-term marriage. Find stories about how it’s going on this List, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. Or sign up for Medium with my referral link. Let’s do this!
