Are Medium and I Incompatible?

Redefining my relationship with Medium and my love of writing.

I have to admit; I’m struggling.

I joined Medium because I love to write. I wanted to start a career in writing, and Medium is an excellent opportunity to build a writing portfolio, make business connections, learn, improve my writing, and numerous other benefits.

Of course, I joined the Partner Program. Who wouldn’t? It’s the opportunity to earn a little money or maybe even a lot of money if I strike it big like one of the Medium writers who have started businesses based on their Partner Program success. There are even writers who can support themselves solely from their Partner Program earnings.

I know that’s not going to happen to me, so I try not to think about it, but the thought of such good fortune does come to mind, especially when I see an article written by one of the writers who is a star in the Partner Program.

My stats have been abysmal the past few days. It’s my fault because I haven’t written anything new for almost a week.

My failure to write was triggered by having a story flop that I thought would get a decent readership. But it didn’t. It got virtually no reaction.

For some reason, it hit me hard. I know I should have immediately written another story like usual, but I felt like I had been kicked in the cajones.

Then, I don’t know what possessed me to do this; I took a close look at my stats and realized that I likely wasn’t even going to make as much money as I did last month.

Even though I had been publishing significantly more than usual, I couldn’t seem to catch a break with anything I was publishing. No one was reading.

When I realized how poorly I was doing for this month compared to the previous month, I got down on myself. I had to be doing something wrong. I mean, I can’t blame everything on Ev and his algorithm forever. It had to be me.

Everything started to snowball, and I felt so defeated.

I know that the Partner Program rewards very few people, but for me, I use it as a way to judge my ability. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

I don’t use it to judge others; I use it only to judge myself. I know that’s not logical; there is no logic to how I judge myself.

I treat others fairly, but I apply a set of unfair rules to myself. I have issues.

My Partner Program goal was to make more money each month than I made the previous month. That’s not asking for much. I thought I could do it; apparently not.

It’s hard for me not to get down on myself when my stats show you that I’m not even bringing in a buck a story. That screams “you suck” loud and clear based on my standards for me.

Analytics and stats and all of that number stuff that the Partner Program has are not good for people with personalities like mine. I fixate on that stuff and use it as a way to judge myself.

Maybe Medium needs to offer a way to block that so that I can’t see anything until the end of the month. That would help me. I would hate it, but it would be better for my mental health.

I realize I am a newbie and shouldn’t expect so much from myself because I need time to learn. Unfortunately, I am hard on myself and hold myself to a standard that I don’t hold others to.

I’m not supposed to need time to learn; I’m supposed to be good from the start. I know that’s wrong of me. I try to treat myself better, but my brain automatically goes to judge my ability when I see those stats.

I thought about quitting Medium, not seriously, but it did cross my mind. I don’t like quitting anything. I love Medium. I don’t want to leave it. There is no other platform like it.

Besides, where would I publish my stories for no one to read? Like they say, write like no one is reading because no one is.

This isn’t a pity party. I tend to have those in private where I am the only guest.

I wrote this because I have a sinking feeling that other writers out there feel that they suck and will continue to feel that way despite being told by others that they don’t suck. Like me, they will use anything they can to back that belief, such as stats, lack of claps, and stuff like that.

I want to share with those writers the steps that I am taking to change my dysfunctional relationship with Medium and the Partner Program.

I could take the easy way out and quit the Partner Program, but I would hate to leave something I love. And I need that approximate dollar a story.

But I know that if I’m going to stay in the Partner Program, I need to accept it as it is, warts and all. Medium won’t be changing anything for me anytime soon.

I need to whip myself into shape and deal with the hand that the Partner Program is dealing me.

I will do that by setting boundaries. Not boundaries to protect me from Medium, but boundaries to save me from myself.

If I don’t know my stats, I can’t use them to judge my ability as a writer repeatedly throughout the day. I will be left without a weapon to harm myself.

From now on, for my well-being, I must limit checking my stats to no more than one time each Friday and one time on the last day of the month. That’s it. This is for my own good.

I know how I am wired, and I will use anything I can get my hands on to be critical of myself. Setting these boundaries will eliminate a way for me to be so hard on myself.

I must also stop thinking of the Partner Program’s stars as “normal” writers with usual accomplishments. They are anomalies. I’m not going to allow myself to feel like I’m not working hard enough or that I need to take yet another “how to succeed on Medium” class to learn how to make the secret sauce that those writers live off. I’m not going to try to emulate them.

Instead, I will focus on being me. I will work to publish five to seven posts each week. I will write stories with an emphasis on offering value to the readers and focusing on topics that I find interesting. Those are my goals. I have to be me.

I hope that my story is beneficial to other writers. We are all on different journeys, yet many of us are the same in that we struggle with feeling inadequate.

Some of us are our own worst enemies. I am one of those writers.

It’s just growing pains. This, too, shall pass.

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Linda Kowalchek is a work in progress and a member of the typewriter generation. She spends her time with her husband and her rescue cats waiting for golf balls to crash through their windows. PSA: Don’t live next to a golf course.