Summary

The article discusses the reactions of covert and overt narcissists when their former partners do not pursue them after being discarded.

Abstract

The article delves into the dynamics of narcissistic relationships, particularly focusing on the aftermath of a discard by a narcissist. It distinguishes between the reactions of covert and overt narcissists to the lack of pursuit from their former partners. Overt narcissists, who typically secure new sources of supply before discarding, may be surprised if their ex does not chase them, but ultimately, they do not care. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are portrayed as being more concerned with the preservation of their idealized self and the exposure of their true self to their former partner, which leads to a definitive end to the relationship without expectation of reconciliation.

Opinions

Overt narcissists expect and benefit from their ex's pursuit, as it provides them with narcissistic supply and bolsters their status with new partners and flying monkeys.
Covert narcissists are primarily motivated by the need for narcissistic supply and the preservation of their persona, which is a blend of victim and hero.
The article suggests that covert narcissists have a more profound reaction to their ex not chasing them, as it signifies that their true self has been revealed, and they can no longer trust their ex to maintain their false reality.
The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering a guide for high-income women coparenting with a covert narcissist.
The article emphasizes that the revelation of a covert narcissist's true self is a pivotal moment that fundamentally changes the dynamic and essentially guarantees a discard.

Are Covert Narcissists Surprised When You Don’t Chase Them After a Discard?

Don’t narcissists think they’re a gift to humanity?

The covert narcissist’s mask slipped. You saw who they are.

One of you initiated a discard.

You’re not chasing them this time. This discard is different.

You wonder if they’re surprised.

Don’t narcissists think everyone wants to be with them?

Different types of narcissists are — well, different

Even amongst the various types, you’ll see differences.

That said, most narcissists feel entitled, superior, unique, or special to some degree. In their mind, it is somewhat unfathomable that you would not want them back.

Let’s look at how this plays out.

An overt narcissist discards you…

The overt narcissist has already secured new sources of supply. This was done before your discard.

At this point, they’ve replaced you as their primary source; however, they’re not counting you out. All of your confusion, thinking about them, and discussing them with friends gives them narcissistic supply. If you chase after them, it gives them even more supply.

From a laziness standpoint, this is a massive score.

You chase after them — they get narcissistic supply by devaluing you.
Your chasing after them also elevates their status in the eyes of their new source of supply.
Then they tell their new source of supply and flying monkeys how crazy you are in chasing after them — they get more narcissistic supply.

It’s the trifecta of narcissistic supply!

So, what if you don’t chase after them after a discard?

Is the overt narcissist surprised? Most likely.

Will it make them rethink discarding you — regretting what they gave away? Nope. They’ll think you’re crazy for not seeing who they are and fighting for them, but ultimately they don’t really care.

A covert narcissist discards you…

Covert narcissists have similarities in their wiring and how they see the world, but this scenario plays out differently.

A covert narcissist discards you — or tortures you until you discard them.

The covert narcissist may have secured a new primary relationship, especially if they are the one who initiated the discard.

They’re just as likely to get abundant supply from their flying monkeys — particularly if you discarded them.

Here’s the thing you have to understand about covert narcissists.

They are exclusively motivated by

The need for narcissistic supply
Preservation of their persona, their idealized self that is both victim and hero

Most covert narcissists have spent decades cultivating their idealized self, their made-up version of reality that goes with it, and the undying support of hundreds of flying monkeys.

They have placed you in the role of top flying monkey, relying on you to reinforce their persona and false narrative not only to them, but to the world.

Like overt narcissists, they are lazy. This has taken a lot of work. They don’t want to do it again. They want to devalue you and receive unlimited narcissistic supply forever.

There is only ONE thing that essentially guarantees a covert narcissist discard — their mask slips and you see their true self.

When that happens, nothing will ever be the same.

The covert narcissist is not surprised you don’t chase them. They won’t take you back, even if you did.

They no longer trust you to preserve their idealized self and false reality.

They know you know and it scares the heck out of them.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

medium.com