I’M SORRY
Are Canadians Actually Sorry, Or Is It Code for Fuck You?
A Canadian reveals her secrets
Canadians are famous for saying sorry at the most inappropriate times.
Win the lottery? Sorry.
Catch the fly ball at the Blue Jays game? Sorry.
Sleep with your neighbor’s wife? Sorry.
But does sorry really mean sorry in Canada?
A pretty common example of the sorry ping pong happens at daily worship — grabbing your double-double at Tim Hortons. You pick up your Timmies and walk back to your car, minding your own business. Someone approaches looking at their phone. Clearly, they are not watching where they are going.
You swerve. They sway. You bump shoulders. Some of your holy water spills.
Anywhere else in the world, the victim might say, “Watch where you’re going, buddy! You spilled my coffee.”
If you are in New York City the idiot on the phone will say, “Fuck You!”
In Canada, both bumpers say Sorry. No one says fuck you.
Another example is when you have your arms laden with groceries and you approach a push door. You hip-check it to get through with the paper bags tucked under your chin because you are not an animal that uses plastic.
No Canadian is. We believe in global warming. Sorry.
As the door shuts behind you, you notice the lady with a walker at your heels. The door closes in on her, trapping her beneath the aluminum frame.
Most people not in New York City would say sorry and help the lifeless woman trapped under her personal aid device.
In New York, no one notices but the rats.
In Canada, both parties say Sorry.
Sorry I knocked you over and sorry I inconvenienced you by coming to my aid after knocking me over.
Scenario three is on a plane where there are lots of Canadians headed to NYC. A short man wearing a bow tie attempts to put his abnormally large, and most certainly unapproved, bag in the overhead compartment.
The man four rows back — and a NYC native — would likely take a picture of the unfolding commotion. He would text it to friends and accept wagers on it falling on the moron’s head, getting stuck, or any number of side bets.
A Canadian will assume the bow tie indicates a wise professor and will be humbled by his intellect. “Let me help you with that, sir,” the Canadian will say, putting down their standard-issue poutine thermos.
As the helper is shoving the bag in place, it groans — the bag, not the Canadian — and the Canadian drops the bag. It opens to reveal a small child, also wearing a bow tie. The New York man screams, “Called it!” and the Canadian says Sorry.
The man in the bow tie says Sorry.
The kid says Sorry.
The bow tie clan were trying to fly the kid for free because their igloo melted in the heatwave and they ran out of maple syrup to sell. Global warming is real for all Canadians, sorry to say.
As the family is escorted to a work facility for naughty Canadians — Tim Hortons — the NYC passenger scores a hundy from his pal Jed.
Even with all the evidence to the contrary, I can confirm, sorry means sorry in Canada in all scenarios. It may mean you are feeling sorry for yourself — but sorry is as real as global warming.
And if you don’t believe in global warming, bless your heart.
Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Kristine Laco
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