Apologies Are The Glue Of Relationships
Then why are they so hard to come by?
James’ dad would never say, “I’m sorry.” He apparently didn’t realize that it meant, “I apologize” and instead equated it with the colloquialism meaning pathetic or poor — as in “he’s a sorry son-of-a-gun.” I thought that he was pathetic and poor for refusing to ever apologize because it’s not like he would say that word either. I imagine that there have always been people who equate apologizing with weakness, but it seems to me like it’s gotten worse lately.
Conversely, James and I have a long-standing habit to both apologize, even if one of us is way more responsible for whatever has transpired. It’s a way of taking care of and fostering our relationship by admitting that it nearly always takes two to tango and each accepting responsibility for our part. We also accept each other’s apologies and then move on with no grudge-holding allowed. This does not seem to be the way the larger world operates however, at least not very often. Which is really too bad, because I believe that apologies are the glue that really keeps relationships healthy and strong — and not just love-relationships.
It’s not so much the actual apologizing itself perhaps, but the things that it signals and conveys that I think make being willing to say, “I’m sorry,” such an important aspect of good relationships. People who won’t apologize usually do so for one of two reasons; they either are narcissistic/sociopathic enough to believe that they are never in the wrong, or they are too insecure to admit that they sometimes humanly make mistakes. Neither one is a contributor to lasting, healthy relationships.
I’ve recently had a couple of instances where I told someone that they’d made me really uncomfortable or had really hurt my feelings and they just brushed it off as if that were all mine. It compounded the bad feelings and will make it more difficult to interact with them openly in the future. It doesn’t matter whether that was their intention or not, it’s the way that it came across to me and affected me. Is some of that mine? Sure, but what’s in the best interests of the relationship is to simply say, “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t my intention at all.” Boom! Cleared up, clean slate (or pretty close) — on to the next thing with the sense that the other person cares enough about you to care about how their words or actions affected you.
The world is full of potential misunderstandings. People come from a variety of life experiences and perspectives and even truly good faith interactions can go awry at times. Add in to the mix human foibles and the “me-colored” glasses that we all wear, and it’s not unusual for mismatches in understanding to occur. And, the way for those not to become bigger than they are or unnecessarily destructive is for the participants to be mature enough to take responsibility for their part and move on. “I’m sorry,” doesn’t mean you are abasing yourself as a pathetic person, as my father-in-law clearly believed. It doesn’t mean you are bad, even if you’ve done something you might consider bad. It means you have enough respect and caring for the other person that you want to re-establish that as the foundation for future interactions. It’s basic civility and a fundamental “act like an adult” way to comport yourself.
In a dominance hierarchy, being the first one to say you are sorry probably does come across as some kind of weakness, but it all comes back to that essential question, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be connected?” It’s not often that you can have both, so if your aim is to be the top dog who never shows any vulnerability or admits that they are anything less than perfect and in charge, then sure, keep your mouth shut. But if your aim is to have a well functioning and healthy relationship, “I’m sorry,” will always go a long way towards cultivating that.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.
