Anatomy of a Three-Way, Part 2
All About Menage-a-troi, Focusing on FMF
If you want to start at the beginning of this series, which is primarily about MFM, go here.
I’d had a couple of toe-in-the-water experiences with women before my first FMF, but never gone beyond a little kissing and groping. And after some dalliances with couples that were fun, but still not really what I was looking for, which was an MFM experience, we’d found a guy to play with on a regular basis. Now it was time to find a woman and to live up to my end of the bargain I’d made when my partner James enthusiastically agreed to let other people into our bed.
Elena, our first female partner had long, curly dark hair and a lot of tattoos that were spiritually significant to her, like quotes and flying birds. I liked the juxtaposition of them with her Southern belle demeanor and her Gibson girl face. We got along well, and since James had taught me how to eat pussy using an accurately carved mango half, I wasn’t even all that nervous. Elena had also put me at ease, when I’d confessed to her that I’d never been with a woman before, by suggesting that I would just intuitively know what to do based on what I liked. Very good advice indeed!
She was sweet and lovely but ultimately a little bit too soft for me, although we did have some enjoyable times together. I’ve come to realize that I like more masculine energy in the bedroom, meaning not someone who is butch or mannish, but someone who is a go-getter. It’s not that Elena wasn’t confident or didn’t initiate, but there was just something about her that was simply not edgy enough. To do polyamory (well, sex actually) in any form, you need to figure out what you are actually looking for and as much as I liked Elena, as a person and a sex partner, I actually wanted someone a bit different. Time together was still a workout, but ultimately it had a much more languid feel. James did not feel the need to go eat a steak afterward as he had with our MFM encounters. It was nothing at all to complain about, but when we moved away, it gave us the opportunity to find someone else who suited us, and particularly me, better.
Our current play partner, Tamara, is just the perfect fit for us both, and we knew from the moment that we first saw her that she would be. She too has long dark hair and a lot of tattoos — apparently, we have a type and it’s fortunate that James and I seem to have the same taste in women (confident, nice tits of any size, no Barbie dolls). But Tamara’s vibe is just a lot more masculine, even though she is an extraordinarily beautiful woman. (See here for a picture and a story about one of our dates with her). Her tattoos also mean something to her, but they are less overtly feminine and she just has kind of a sexy gladiator vibe that really, really works for us both!
One of the ways that FMF tends to be different than MFM is that typically the women also engage with each other and this changes the feel quite a bit. Some women we’ve been with really do prefer men, but are just sort of fine with women; they are bi-lite. They are happy to have you there, but it’s really not their main interest and it shows. They play with the wife (or another woman present) to keep her from getting upset about what she’s doing with the man or to turn him on with the show. Sometimes they are just too worried about the other woman to relax, and that detracts from the pleasure as well.
I’ve always tried to reassure any female partners we’ve had that I am not the jealous type and that if James is having fun, that works for me, but not everybody really believes this (perhaps from past experiences), even if they pretend to and having the other woman constantly checking in to see if I’m about to slap her is truly a buzz kill. Also, having a woman be really into me and not just sort of fine with me there, means my enjoyment quotient goes way up in FMF as well. I’ve never wanted any other woman in the way I want Tamara and I feel that reciprocated from her. We both adore James and each other, which is a big part of why it works so well for the three of us.
We’ve talked with several women who routinely play with couples who say they run into problems with this a lot of the time. Typically it’s that the woman has agreed to the three-way because her man wants it and she wants to keep him happy, or she’s a little curious but really not sure. Neither of them has talked about boundaries or what they really want out of the interaction and so a couple of drinks in the insecurities take over and the woman whigs out. The whole thing ends in tears. This is just one of the reasons why we no longer play with newbies. If you want to be with us, you need to already know that this is your jam, and not figure it out for yourself in the middle of our date — and that goes for both men and women.
The upside of playing with another woman who is enthusiastically into both of you, like Tamara is, is that you get to play Hot Tetris. There are just a huge number of possible sex positions when all three are interested in fucking each other. This makes everything a bit more athletic but also a lot more spicy and enjoyable. James is an A-one multi-tasker and that helps also.
Hot Tetris means that no-one ever feels left out, which can be a factor sometimes in a three-way. In fact, it’s the main reason I’ve seen for people to characterize them as “over-rated.” When jealousy and insecurity enter into the equation, it takes a lot of the potential for hotness away. But really, that’s something that can typically be easily overcome.
If you don’t want to feel left out in a menage-a-troi:
- Talk to the other people you are going to be playing with beforehand about expectations and fears. Be honest about your boundaries and your triggers and work with those separately and together. This doesn’t detract from spontaneity — it encourages it because you don’t have to wonder if you are about to cross somebody’s line accidentally.
- Don’t take it personally. If the other two are momentarily engaged with each other and not focused on you, put a hand or a mouth on someone, and get yourself engaged.
- Be present and in the moment as much as possible. That’s one of the reasons that we love 3-ways — they take us out of our usual roles and lives and put us squarely in the present. It’s like a mini-vacation from everyday existence. For us, time goes away for the duration of the date and we just get to be exuberantly alive, sharing good feelings of both the physical and the emotional kind.
As with anything sexual, whatever your personal proclivities or boundaries are are just fine, as long as they are consensual. But I’ve also come to believe that much of what we think we want (and don’t) has to do with programming and opportunity, and very often people end up enjoying things they wouldn’t expect to if they think too much about it (anal for example). So, it’s not a bad idea, if you are interested in expanding your horizons, to try something new and just see what you think. If it’s not for you, then don’t do it anymore. I’m not really into the big group sex thing, but I’m glad I tried it once because now I know that. It’s not an experience I regret, but it’s not one I’ll likely repeat either.
More guys, straight guys, in particular, should give MFM a try and there are probably a lot of women who would really enjoy FMF too, even if they weren’t fully bi-sexual. The secret to a really great menage-a-troi experience is to think about it and talk about it first and then go into it with open eyes. My first inadvertent MFM was hot (read Part 1 for more on that), but it also ended up in frustration because although it was spontaneous, that meant that it wasn’t what everyone present was up for. Feelings got hurt and pride got injured and nobody got off or had a good time after the first 2 minutes. If you really want to have grown-up sex, you need to go about it in a grow-up manner.
© Copyright, Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love.
