Anal Sex from the Bottom Up: Part II
A practical beginner’s guide to anal sex and consent for women
The first thing to understand about anal sex is your anatomy. Most of us think of the anus as a circle of muscle on the outside, but it is actually a tube at least two inches deep, made of two different muscles, which are known to their friends as the external and the internal sphincters. The external sphincter is reasonably yielding, while the internal sphincter is no such thing. On the inner side of the internal sphincter, the bowel begins, which can be seen as a change from the dry, pink outside skin to the more delicate covering of the gut, which is deep red and wet with mucus. The internal sphincter keeps you continent and it is smart enough to be able to tell the difference between gas and air — the big message being that it is a sophisticated and highly necessary item that demands to be looked after. At the boundary there is a toothed, or pitted edge, known as the dentate line, which is visible to the naked eye if the anus is open, or as the medics amongst us like to say, dilated. Above the dentate line is the rectum, which is between four and six inches long — and contrary to folklore — is generally empty, whilst above that is the sigmoid colon, which is not.
What does your man know about anal sex? Let’s cover that first before we get on to how to approach it because many guys gather their entire knowledge of the subject from porn movies where the preparation the girls have to go through is not shown and where lube is notable by its absence. Ask your guy where his ideas of what to do come from, and if the answer is porn movies, wave a red flag and get him to read this as a minimum commitment.
Assuming you are using plenty of lube, then the first part is easy, as his cock eases its way through your external sphincter. So far so good, but success here is misleading because the next barrier he will come up against is your internal sphincter, which is no pushover. A lot depends on how tight you are there, and we all vary, but basically the more anal sex you have, the easier it gets. Even so, you will have days when the internal sphincter is prepared to play and other days when it is not. On a good day, if you are practiced, then all you will need to do is to bear down slightly as if you are trying to empty your bowel, and he will be in, taking your breath away. If you are not practiced, then your mileage will vary from total no go, all the way to several minutes of gentle pushing followed by relaxation and penetration. Relaxation is the key, because having anal sex if you are not relaxed is unpleasant, which is why the stealth approach is such a bad idea.
What does it feel like?
Once he is inside, then the main feeling you will experience is stretching of your anus, which can be very nice, comforting, and occasionally orgasmic. It certainly won’t be like anything you have experienced before, and once your internal sphincter is relaxed, it will stay relaxed, allowing him to slide ever deeper inside as long as you have used enough lube. A downside is that if you have a short rectum, depending on how long his erection is and how much goes in — balls deep is possible with practice — then you can end up experiencing discomfort from your bowel being moved around. This comes across as a deep-seated gnawing sensation like toothache in your gut, and although it is uncommon for women to feel it, if you do, then a rethink is going to be necessary.
Preparation
How do we prepare for anal sex? First, the emphasis is on ‘we’, as it should always be in sex, because there are two of you involved. Some gentle exploration is going be necessary, because for the vast majority of us, some preliminary stretching of the internal sphincter is going to be necessary before there is any chance of being successfully penetrated. Begin by lubing a fingertip and popping it inside yourself — just be careful if you have long nails or extensions! Once you are comfortable with this, then it is his turn to ease a finger inside, once again using plenty of lube. At this point, especially if he has larger hands than you, you may well come up against a certain amount of resistance, and if that happens, just go back to your own finger, keeping it there for fifteen seconds or longer while you learn to relax.
The next stage is to graduate to using toys, in which case a slim vibrator made of smooth plastic is perfect — I would suggest beginning with one with a circumference of 3.25 inches or less (approximately an inch in diameter), and making sure it is long enough to get a grip on the end. Lube it up well and practice inserting it until you have the full width of the toy inside, and then it there for a minute or two. There is no need to insert any more than three inches of the shaft of the toy, and after you are comfortable with that, then you can move up to larger dildos or vibrators, but there is no point using one larger than your lover’s erection. The reason for this is because cocks compress, while toys don’t, and so the effective diameter of his erection will always be less where it is encircled by your internal sphincter, which acts for all the world like a cock ring.
Older couples where the male partner has early erectile dysfunction will see the possibilities immediately — if you can get him in, girls, then maintaining a bit of a squeeze does wonders. Plus, it is astonishing how the opportunity to try something new can revive a tired sex life — make a performance of it and he will love you even more for the goddess that you are already.
The ins and outs of toys
I can imagine you have questions about butt plugs, but if you are a beginner, a slim vibrator is actually more appropriate, because what you are looking for is a constant stretch. The vast majority of butt plugs are built with an ovoid head, that tapers to a slimmer neck, above a wider base. This type of design is essential if the plug isn’t to slip out, but since the necks of most of them are similar in thickness to a finger, they only provide that much stretch once they are inside. So-called ‘training sets’ of plugs are available — which are usually cheap, if not very cheerful — but if you go a little up market, Svakom products are well worth a look. Svakom does good quality, sensible designs, the Primo (which I have never tried) looking particularly ideal. Some of these come with built-in vibrators and remote controls, which can be tremendous fun if you give your other half charge of the remote. Don’t forget that if you can wear a butt plug, then so can he. Fair is fair, after all — just wait until he is watching a crucial moment of sport if the toy is fitted with a remote.
If you aren’t familiar with toys, be aware that if they are skinned with silicone, then you must use a water-based lube with them, or your toy will melt. Silicone toys feel more realistic, but they bring a specific problem as far as anal use is concerned because silicone ‘drags’ on the skin, and lots and lots of lube is needed for comfort (this is a problem that doesn’t usually affect silicone toys for vaginal use, because natural lubrication is generally enough to avoid the drag). The reason I mention this is that water-based lube wears off quickly, and although it makes inserting a plug easier, it won’t be around to help you get it out again, and patience will be needed.
Another problem with silicone toys is that after anal use they acquire a certain smell, but a soak in detergent is usually enough to banish it. This is where glass plugs come into their own, because silicone-based lube can be used with them and they don’t smell, but the problem is finding one that fulfills the diameter requirements above and which has been designed by someone who understands anatomy and has actually tried using one. Don’t laugh! The design criteria for butt plugs should be obvious, but suppliers are dedicated to ignoring them, the most obvious problem being a lack of graduated diameter offerings with small intermediate steps at the beginner end of the scale.
If there is a demand for it I can write a piece about plugs, but suffice it to say that it isn’t necessary to go out and buy one as part of your preparation for anal sex. If you have a vibrator of the correct circumference, then it will do fine — in the next article, we will get down to some real sex.
Catch up with part I and part III here:
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