Anal Sex Advice From Someone Who Has Never Done It

Because THAT one time doesn’t count…

Anal sex sounds like a lot of fun.

I have read quite a few posts about it, both from male and female authors, and everyone seems to agree it can be quite pleasurable.

But I wouldn’t know.

You see, I have never done it…except, of course, if you count that one time when I did it…or was it done to me?

It happened one night

Here I was with a guy. We had decided we were going to spend all night eating, drinking wine and having sex, with intermissions here and there to rest.

We were in our second round of the evening. We were a bit tipsy, but things were going ok. We had played a bit, he on top of me, and I could tell he was ready for penetration. He grabbed me by the hips and lifted me a bit.

At first, I thought he wanted to engage in some airborne sex.

I was wrong.

What he did, without asking for permission, without at least giving me a warning, without lube, was to insert his penis in my anus.

It. Hurt.

It hurt a lot.

I screamed in agony. It was a painful, burning feeling.

Worse of all, I was in complete disadvantage, my body’s position making it nearly impossible for me to shove him off me.

But I did push with my arms. Oh, and did I mention I was howling in pain?

He got scared and moved off me. In a way, I was grateful I was a bit drunk. I’m sure that helped me manage the pain.

“What was that?” I asked him.

“I just wanted to see if you would like it,” he replied.

“What?” I said, tears all over my face.

In the end, we went to sleep.

Ruined forever?

Now I know I should have immediately gotten out of there. But at that point in my life, I was attached to that man, certain he was the only one who could ever love me. If I left, I would be alone forever.

Yeah, I’m facepalming myself right now. I have managed to forgive myself because I was young and stupid. It took me some time to break free from all that crap.

But let’s go back to that guy…

I stuck to him for too long.

We kept having sex. From time to time, he would ask me to let him have some anal. I said no.

Here’s the thing: had he asked beforehand, had we talked about it…had we prepared, then I might have been interested.

But now?

It was a full-on NO.

Apparently, to him, “no” meant “maybe.” When we had sex, he would sometimes rub my anus with his fingers or the tip of his penis.

This completely ruined vaginal sex too: whenever his hands were anywhere near my glutes, I would immediately get anxious. I learned it is challenging to orgasm when you think you have to get ready to fight a dude off your ass.

That guy and I had many other issues…in the end, they were all too much.

Ok, where’s the advice?

One could argue I had anal sex. After all, a guy’s penis was inside my anus. That’s pretty much it, right?

Not quite.

The way I see it, what happened that night…it wasn’t sex.

It was assault.

At that time, I didn’t have the knowledge I have now. In my mind, since I had already agreed to have sex with this person, I had given him access to all of my body.

Now I know better.

So, here’s my advice:

• Ask for consent. This is step 1, the most important of all. It’s non-negotiable. You have to ask; there’s no going around this.
• The conversation must happen before you start having sex. If you have an erection in your hand, don’t ask for permission while you rub your penis around her anus.
• If she says no, don’t whine. She doesn’t want to have anal sex: conversation over. She doesn’t owe you a “yes” just because you played nice. By the way, guys, you look bad when you whine.
• Don’t try to “play” with her anus using your fingers or the tip of your penis to see if she changes her mind. This means you don’t think her consent is that important. She said no, dude!

If you wish to know more, I strongly suggest you read this post by Joe Duncan. In it, he explains how anal sex can bring lots of pleasure for everybody involved. However, he writes, “if we do it wrong, we can scar our partners for life, emotionally and sometimes physically too.”

That’s what angered me more about the whole ordeal. Anal sex is something I could be willing to experiment with, but now it would require extraordinary effort. First of all, I could only do it with someone I fully trust. I’m talking, “I trust him with my life” levels of esteem. Second, it would most likely take up lots of time for me to get comfortable. And third, even then, it might just be that I never manage to get past the trauma of that night.

In the end, sex is about communication. If you decide that you get to do with my body as you please, without even bothering to ask what I want, then you are telling me everything I need to know about you. Heck, most likely, I won’t even want to find out more.

Hopefully, it might not be too late for me. And I’m not talking just about anal sex. Rather, I mean the opportunity to get to trust someone. To feel safe enough that I can allow myself to be vulnerable. That would definitively get me in an experimental mood.

If you wish to know more, check out this 3-part guide by Tabitha Lowndes. I wish it had existed all those years ago.