The Etiquette of Anal Sex
The Gentleman’s Guide to Anal Sex
Anal sex is quite a popular hot topic in today’s world. Even non-penetrative and quasi-penetrative practices like analingus are surging in popularity, both in practice and discussion, as our culture becomes more and more obsessed with the rear end.
Simply speaking, many people in the world today simply love butts. But it’s not enough to say that we love butts, we have to actually love butts, and when I say love butts, I mean love them properly.
Though historically speaking it’s lost a lot of its former glory and popularity, it’s starting to make a comeback over the last 100 years or so, and becoming a staple in the diets of couples all over the globe. Part of this resurgence in popularity is due to pornography, part of it is due to more socially relaxed attitudes and a lessening of the sexual stigmas, and part of it due to the decline of an oppressive church.
When we begin our voyage into experimentation with anal sex, the rewards can be extremely fulfilling and rewarding for both parties — if we do it right. If we do it wrong, we can scar our partners for life, emotionally and sometimes physically too. Someone’s butt is definitely not a part of the body that we want to injure, so I strongly advise that guys out there adhere to proper procedure and take care of there partners — seriously, it matters.
And, a quick glance at the comments section of my hugely popular Medium story, The Psychology of Anal Sex can show you exactly why it matters.
When it comes to anal sex we need to not only practice it with willing partners, but we need to in fact be “gentle men” and this starts with treating our partner well, not physically, but emotionally.
Sex is so much more than a physical process, it’s a process of the mind too, and the physiological interplay between the mind and body affect the outcome of our sexual interactions majorly. I want to take this time to speak about the mentality that us guys have and the dispositions we should have to go into anal sex with our partners, so that we may not only be respectful and accommodating, but also that our partners have, at the very least, the opportunity to enjoy anal sex as we do.
I wanted to write this from an experienced guy’s perspective, what works and what doesn’t work, and how we can better adapt the mind frame necessary to care about our partners as we engage in this (for some) wonderful activity.
Anal sex should be about respect, not degradation unless explicitly requested.; that's someone's body, not just our conquests...
Understand When They Don’t Want To Do It
This isn’t just the consent disclaimer, this is the absolute most powerful part of the etiquette of anal sex for us guys, the part where we build trust in our partners. Without trust, you’ll never have quality anal sex, or quality sex for that matter, in the first place. A partner who distrusts you is uncomfortable, sometimes concerned, tense, and definitely not in the right state of mind that we want them to be.
It first must be said at the outset, that no means no — this has multiple implications, in the one sense we commonly use the phrase, “no means no,” it means that you don’t take advantage of people and touch them in ways that they did not consent to. This one is, or at least should be, obvious. Never touch anyone in a way they did not consent to sexually. It’s just not a gentlemanly thing to do, guys.
The other point I mean is that when we’re dating a woman and she tells us she has absolutely zero interest in anal sex, we take that information, we digest it, and we move on like the mature men we are with a partner who has no interest in an activity that we have an interest in. We accept them for their difference of opinion and love them for who they are. If you can’t do this, I’d suggest you ask yourself why. Are you really with your partner because you love them, or is it just sex?
I’ll allow you to answer that question for yourselves, and also suggest that you be upfront with your partner about your intentions.
Often times guys berate their partners, they pressure them, they complain and they beg them — this is wrong and it needs to stop 100%. Don’t ever do this.
Accept no for what it is, and just so I can get some skin in the game here, I’ll come out and say it, that I don’t personally practice anal sex. Why? Because I love my girlfriend too much to care about it, frankly, and that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in.
When we first got together, she explained that it was a hard limit of hers, that she’d never been fond of the idea, and, being the strong woman that she is, refused men’s advances and called them out when they complained about it. She was uncomfortable with the idea — actually, she’s always abhorred the idea of having something rammed up there and it’s pretty easy for most of us guys to see why.
My acceptance and acknowledgement of her concern actually did something magical to her in her mind — one day, she came to me and told me that someday in the future, she’d like to try anal sex.
I hadn’t mentioned it, I hadn’t asked for it, I hadn’t berated her for it, or even brought it up recently, at that point. The fact is, she feels comfortable with me — she understands that when the time comes, I’m not going to force anything, not going to be rough, not going to put my thoughts and feelings over hers. It’s amazing what can happen when we don’t try to control the situation.
However, don’t expect this to happen. If she changed her mind, I would respect that and accept it for what it is. If you’re going to sit in quiet contempt about your partner’s dislike of sexual activity, it’s time to grow up — there’s way more to life than anal sex, and that’s just how it is.
This, of course, extends to beyond the first time, or beyond marriage or any milestone you may dream up in your head — if your partner revokes consent, back to, “No means no.”
Respect the Booty
Pornography today would have you believe some strange things if you were brand new to sex, as you’d lived in a void your entire life and were suddenly thrust into the world of human sexuality with only pornography as your guide.
What happens in the movies isn’t real — it’s just that, the movies, and while the actors and actresses involved may be having real, actual sex, there’s so much more going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about, both in the way of lubrication and incentivization.
A LOT of lube is used in porn when the camera isn’t looking. There is simply no such thing as too much lubrication, considering that the anus doesn’t supply its own lubricant, and is an extremely sensitive erogenous zone, with a lot of nerve endings which could really hurt someone if we aren’t careful. The rule of thumb is, if you’re using too much lube you’re probably not using enough.
Also, while the variety of sexual preferences likely spans the vast, infinity of the known universe, very few people like to “get pounded,” like the movies would have you believe. Anal sex takes time — a lot of time, in fact, and here’s where my other rule of thumb comes in — it’s absolutely going to take multiple sessions, otherwise, you could be doing it better.
Some people might like, “getting pounded,” I’ve met them — but the fact is, most people don’t — and if they do, they’ll likely let you know that going into the situation voluntarily, by their own initiated verbal admission, but let’s just assume that the chances are much greater that your partner wants a caring, gentle, understanding partner who listens to them through the process. And it will be a process.
While I don’t have anal sex now, I’ve had a lot of it in my life, and I’ve always been more than willing to stop if my partners ever reached a point of discomfort — that said, reaching a point of comfort often takes time.
I’d really like to dispel this notion that, for recipients who aren’t well-experienced in the act, anal sex is something that you just do one day — it’s not. Set a date and work your way up to it, try other forms of insertion and play, whatever you may be comfortable with, fingers, toys, etc., so that your partner may get used to having something there.
How long should you wait? While this may be a little extreme, my partner and I set our date for one year after we had the aforementioned discussion. I can wait, she can wait, it’ll give us time to explore that part of her body, and that’s how it should be. Don’t rush anything — gentlemen don’t rush.
Give your partner at least a month, or more, if you play infrequently, so that they may become better acclimated to all the sensations and events transpiring back there.
The Magic Moment
Even after your partner is used to having anal play, a penis is very different — both in density and in size — from a toy or a finger, and this needs to be taken into account.
So guess what..when that magic moment finally comes when you try penile-insertion…you’ll likely still have several more sessions to go. This is the reality if you want to make your partner absolutely comfortable.
They’re going to need to adjust to the size of the penis, and this means that you may get an inch in before they become uncomfortable. If they say they aren’t comfortable and don’t expressly state without prompting that they want to keep going, it’s time to shelf the idea for another day.
Sometimes I’ve had partners require up to 4 or 5 attempts at this before they were fully comfortable. This is not their fault, this is not a “problem,” nor are they doing it because they don’t love you or anything along those lines, this is because if it’s done incorrectly, this can really, REALLY hurt someone.
Be kind, respectful, caring, understanding, and ultimately patient every step of the way.
Closing Thoughts
Lastly, when your partner gets to a point where they enjoy it, have learned — and yes, you absolutely can learn — to control that part of their body, often times people say that they absolutely love being the recipient of anal sex; if they did not, it wouldn’t happen likely at all outside of abusive relationships.
But the fact is, it does, and it can be an amazing experience for both practitioners to enjoy, it just needs to be done with a gentlemanly etiquette and the utmost respect for your partner’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
I’ll summarize with a list and then bid you all ado:
- Your partner’s body and sex lives is their own — you don’t own them and you should never coerce them into anal sex, through guilt, through bad moods, through complaints, or anything else — if you don’t feel perfectly content in the fact that your partner doesn’t want to do anal, you need to get to a place where you are perfectly contented. No means no, and no also means it’s not up for debate unless they bring it up themselves.
- Don’t pound. I know porn tells you to pound, but please don’t pound — at least not at first and never pound unless you gain verbal consent from your partner. This is 2019, you’re not Bill Cosby, you don’t want to be arrested 10 years down the road for a sex tape that your phone sent to Alexa or something.
- Anal sex is like a tattoo, it’ll take multiple sessions, and you’re going to have to stop midway through a lot and come back to it. If you think you’re going to ejaculate the first time you do it, AND have a comfortable, happy partner who enjoys it, think again. The chances are astronomically slim.
- If you follow these steps, you respect their wishes and boundaries, as well as their conscious experience, you have a much greater likelihood of them enjoying the anal sex as well. I’m sure you don’t want your partner to be begrudgingly sucking it up, miserably just doing it for you, you want to see your partners alive with joy, ecstasy, and passion — as it should be. By respecting the etiquette of anal sex, you’re likely to do this, and guess what that means when you have a partner who loves it — more anal sex.
Keep all of these concepts in mind. Feel free to bookmark this and reference it multiple times if need be until you’ve digested the ideas contained herein. The fact is, the etiquette of anal sex is a mentality, not a series of motions, mechanical and robotic, that you need to do in order to obtain something. Etiquette flows, it belongs, it’s a tremendous effort which looks effortless on the behalf of the gentleman practicing it. So be a gentleman and good luck.
Footnote: This is a crash course in etiquette which is by no means exhaustive—follow Moments of Passion for more, and read The Psychology of Anal Sex here.
© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved
