An Unusual but Safe Way To Train Your Assertiveness as a Conflict-Shy Introvert
Spend a few extra bucks on a seat reservation on a bus, plane, in a cinema, or a train
Chances are that someone occupied the seats you reserved at the cinema. How did you react? Did you reluctantly sit down in another row while sweating out negative vibes at the trespassers? Or did you calmly tell these guests that they should budge?
Whether I’d be alone or with a group: if other people occupied my cinema seat, I would not approach the strangers, let alone politely ask people to move over. I’d avoid conflict at all costs, especially as a teen.
The thought of having to correct strangers and convince them to undo something they probably did out of rebellion in the first place made my palms sweat and my heart rate triple. The stupid thing was that I’d allow myself to be chased out of my seat while never asking someone else to do this for me. Until I realized I was being a pushover.
Part of being agreeable had to do with my upbringing. I was not taught the skill of negotiation. If I disagreed with someone on something, I was much more likely to get told to shut up or to be quiet. Over time, I did learn to shut down the snarky comments. I grew indifferent to them. Unimpressed, I’d calmly with a one-liner. The result: surprise that I dared to talk back and a dirty look for doing so.
Long after I left the nest, I repeated the behaviors I was modeled at home in the outside world: I kept myself small to not cause any commotion. This made me a pushover, sensitive to peer pressure, likely to give in to what others wanted of me.
At “home”, I knew what to expect. In the outside world, I did not. Combine that with a Mediator personality on to the Myer Briggs Personality Type Indicator, and the outlooks are grim.
People with Mediator personalities hate conflict. It stresses them out. They’d much rather live in peace and harmony with their peers. It took me years to learn that, in the real world, peace and harmony cannot always be sustained. Sometimes you need to bark back. You must stand up for yourself, vocally or even physically. Otherwise, you’re trampled upon. Some people think they can get away with it.
“Excuse me, I reserved this seat”
I was at the gate, waiting to board the plane. To kill time, I had my laptop out and was finishing a blog post. My blonde bowl cut framed my face. I was wearing comfortable clothing. As I typed away, two men in suits walked by, speaking in a foreign language. One looked at me and grinned. I raised my eyebrow but ignored the odd look and continued pressing down letters on my keyboard.
Once I boarded the plane, I came to discover this man who grinned at me was occupying my airplane seat. “Oh no,” I thought. Conflict.
“Excuse me, sir, I reserved this seat”, I called to him from the aisle.
He looked back once, grinned again, turned his head back to the front, and ignored me. It was as if his face said, “As if I am moving an inch for you.” I repeated my request while he continued to ignore me. I could feel my heart rate increasing and I started to get angrier by the second.
Writing about this part pisses me off because I should have stood my ground.
Choosing the correct reaction
In my mind, I went through the possible scenarios:
- I could initiate a shouting scene, but that would leave me duped and looking like a crazy person. What’s worse, I could be the one who gets kicked off the plane.
- I could accept this stranger stealing my assigned seat and pick another one to sit in, with the risk of being kicked out of thát one if someone else who had reserved it came onto the plane.
- I could walk over to the front of this mister, so he could see clearly that I was addressing him, and make sure everyone around him also saw. Then, repeat or paraphrase my request until he moves over. In case he still ignored my request, I could request the support of the flight attendants and get them to request this mister to move.
I opted for number two.
I felt uncomfortable and defeated, so I instantly knew I made the wrong decision. The man sat there, comfortably, knowing that I withdrew from the fight. Meanwhile, people were still boarding. I could be asked to move to another chair at any time now.
I told myself, “If someone comes on the plane now and asks me to move, then the mister is in trouble!” But why wait for someone external to trigger you into taking action? This was not what I should be doing in that situation.
For the rest of the flight, I felt disappointed and angry. Not at the man. No, at myself, for allowing myself to be walked over by a stranger in a suit who thought he stood above the rules.
I pledged to never let this happen again. Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I took this pledge. I wonder if the man’s response would have been derogatory, were I a male, or a male in a suit, or if I were wearing my formal attire, or if I didn’t have an experimental haircut, or if I were not a slim, 5’6 woman.
Similar situations have occurred. None escalated. They were just uncomfortable.
- The time I got onto a FlixBus, and I asked a girl to move one seat because I had reserved the one she was sitting on. As soon as we locked eyes, her face turned sour. She then let out an “Oh no…” Yeah, nice to meet you too, I thought.
- The lady in a crowded Deutsche Bahn train who I politely told “Excuse me, I reserved this seat, please”. She got up, but frowned, whined, and grunted while doing so.
I remember these encounters because the response to my presence was so negative. There were other times I asked people to move, and they just did. Just like I would if I were in the chair they reserved. You paid for it, so you own it, at least for the duration of the train or bus ride written on your ticket. I might politely ask you to show you your ticket, and we can part ways as friends.
Now, I see “chasing” a stranger out of the seat I spent a $5 reservation on as training in assertiveness. These are rare moments I get a chance to callous the soul in a “safe” environment, with “safe” here meaning:
- In theory, there will be strangers around to jump in in the case of an escalation
- I have proof I reserved the seat, so the request I’m making is considerate and within my rights
Each time I need to reserve a seat, I know the time has come to face my fears. After each practice round, I feel my confidence increase, although just a little. When a new stranger finds him- or herself in the seat I reserved, I will be ready to battle them, with nothing but my words and a calm demeanour.
Final thoughts
Shy introvert or not, don’t allow entitled people to walk all over you. Use uncomfortable situations, such as calling strangers out on their wrong seating, as opportunities to improve your assertiveness.
With each practice round, you can improve your confidence, learn to stand your ground, and address the issue with a calm, grounded demeanour until it becomes second nature.
Thank you for reading. Join us as Meld of Minds; a community sharing a mental group hug with words. Can your mind help pay it forward?
