An Unexpected Explanation to Why We Seek Validation

If we can’t prove that we are enough, what will happen?

This article mentioned suicide briefly. Please seek help from organisations if you believe you have such thoughts. You are not alone and there are people keen to help you. List of organisations at the bottom of this article.

I just finished writing a book and I didn’t dare to publish it.

Why? This is my revelation:

Most successful businesses do not put onto the market the “perfect product”.

Including Apple iPhones and Dyson vacuum cleaners, they put onto the market the product they believe is the best out there. They believe it’s the best at that particular time.

Then, based on the feedback and further breakthroughs, they improve and produce even better products. Since the first iPhone was produced in 2007, there are now over 12 versions of it (I wish they can stop naming iPhones other ways, it’s hard to keep track).

Then I asked myself, why do I keep revising my draft and don’t feel that it was a good enough story? (I am not arguing that one should perfect it to the best they can at any given time, but when enough is enough?)

I realised the reason behind my hesitation, is because of my intention to bring this book to the market: I was seeking validation.

During the time when everyone can “like” and “follow” others on social media, the problem with validation has surfaced more obviously than ever. I am looking at how can we solve the problem of validation-seeking, through the lenses of connectivity and loneliness.

Let’s see if I can kill two birds with one stone.

Culture of fake vulnerability and lies

Our connection with others, despite the availability of modern technology, has become weaker than ever.

We are hyper-connected in the virtual world but in reality, we are hiding our true selves more than ever. This is how we end up with a lying culture:

• Curated life: although people can know what’s happening to others instantly via social media, most lives online are heavily photoshopped and curated. This is not news. Even offline, the culture of hanging out with people who are rich and prestigious are real, which in turn, feeds back to the online culture. It’s a mental loop.
• Standards that have nothing to do with ourselves: The idea of checking into a place when travelling, for example, created standards that are not relevant at all. My friend felt that every time she visits Paris, a picture of her and the Eiffel Tower is necessary. Is that necessary? Are there more than that boring tower to see in Paris? I believe so. But it seems like we have to do certain things on certain occasions nowadays because, without that evidence, our virtual social life is not as expected.
• Haters and police: In a world where everything is so politically correct (including discussions of race, vulnerability and even mental health), we become more fearful and careful than ever when posting stuff online.

Ultimately, this shapes a particular way of talking about something, and the best storyteller that has understood the unspoken rules the best stands out.

This is not just a problem for influencers (and wannabes), but the culture of curated life has become the norm for most, private or public accounts.

I was reading the book Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner. It’s a story about a plus-size influencer. She knows the game well, and here’s a great quote that summarises the irony:

“The trick of the internet, I had learned, was not being unapologetically yourself or completely unfiltered; it was mastering the trick of appearing that way. It was spiking your posts with just the right amount of real… which meant, of course, that you were never being real at all.” ― Jennifer Weiner, Big Summer

Segregation and loneliness

I started to see how validation seeking ties so closely to the insufferable pain of loneliness.

Because of the curated culture, we feel even more lonely than ever. Not only do we have a duo-life of Instagram and reality, but we also have friends that we aren’t connected to at all, and some are even purely for curating this life online and offline.

Even if we meet these friends in real life, there aren’t always real heart-to-heart conversation, certain vulnerability has to be hidden. Our true selves remain in closed doors.

Actor Haruma Miura committed suicide in the closet of his mansion in Tokyo. Before his death, he had repeatedly trying to connect with the outside world inside this closet. It seemed like that was the only place he felt safe.

During the pandemic, not only Haruma, but many of us have hidden deeper and deeper within our own closet. The segregation and loneliness fed off each other and became a disastrous vicious cycle.

Here’s the sad truth: we have created an outward, bigger-than-life personality for the sake of seeking validation, whilst the shadow of loneliness is looming bigger and bigger each day.

Shout out today: I feel lonely!

The reason we seek validation might be because we are lonely in the first place. The two are heavily linked.

There are two cunning characteristics about loneliness: first, it’s a subjective feeling; and second, it’s easy to brush away a subjective feeling.

In a culture that embraces strengths over vulnerabilities, showing our pain is deemed to be weak and useless. Without consciousness and knowledge, our inclination to deal with the feeling of loneliness is to “find things to do”.

We go out, make friends, join clubs, work hard, curate a life online and offline. We hope that validation of us actually having a good life will get rid of the emptiness inside of ourselves. This thus motivates the entire culture of lies I mentioned above.

Some of us still feel the emptiness acutely. In the midst of a big party, even if we are under the spotlight (or especially), we feel more lonely than ever.

So the only way to cure our loneliness is not by doing more, but by facing the feeling forthright with courage. Admit we are feeling lonely, isolated and disconnected. Admit that we don’t give a shxt about these curated standards and lies.

I invite you to shout out today if you feel lonely — you can do it to your friends, online, or even just comment in this article. You need to say it, someone is here to hear it (me).

Then we cultivate a connection based on authenticity

The second reasons loneliness won’t go away just by doing more is that the communities we have aren’t always the ones that are nourishing. I am not pointing fingers, but genuine and meaningful relationships are hard to come by.

Most of us settle with people sharing similar interest, from eating to scuba diving. This is great and I have repeatedly advocated for the importance of having a hobby.

However, if you feel lonely with your current social life, there’s a chance you are just a soul that craves a deeper level of connection with certain people. Not everyone needs it, my mum doesn’t, but I definitely do. Those are just various stages of life we have.

So in this regard, what you really want is to have ‘soul friends’. There might be an odd occasion you have met someone out of nowhere (like at a party) but you end up feeling deeply connected with each other. Many people might accidentally treat this kind of connection as romantic love, unfortunately, that’s not always going to end up well.

Soul friends are connections that transcend hobbies, backgrounds, races, cultures and even frequency of meeting up. You might not speak to this friend for 5 years and the reunion feels like you’ve just met yesterday. It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly was talked about, but you feel deeply nourished afterwards.

Where can we find soul friends?

Now that you have read this article and become aware of the idea of soul friends, this could mean that perhaps your soul friends are going to appear soon. Without being aware of this concept, you might not able to recognise one; now, you might be able to.

If you find this article touching your soul, this might mean we are also soul friends! I am cultivating a circle of soul friends — I am not selling anything, just connections. If you want you can follow me and interact with me in the comment section, or even email me. I have made some really great soul friends via this platform, such as Kembang Langit.

More articles from me that nourish the soul: