Open Letter
An Open Letter to The Fireside Restaurant
Do not treat coupon habitué as third-class purveyors of conventional fare
Dear Proprietor(s) of The Fireside:
Rather than complaining to the waitress, I am writing to voice my displeasure about our experience on Thursday last, April 1, 2021.
First of all, I want to offer my empathy for struggling to maintain a restaurant during such trying times. It was the first time we sallied forth into a culinary establishment in well nigh over a year — and we wanted the experience to satisfy not only our palette — but our need to be surrounded by strangers — looking for some light at the end of this dark, COVID-19 Nightmare of Isolation.
Confident with our two shots of vaccine, my wife and I dressed — and I even shaved — and we ventured to the Fireside for an easy Thursday night meal.
I could bore you with the effects of the second shot of mine, a shot that I was convinced contained the real virus — as I sweated and moaned in fever and had every type of symptom — even acid reflux and irritable bowels and muscle aches — but I will not go further than my severe diarrhea.
My wife, God bless her patient soul, prays not to experience my pain and my complaints again.
In short, it passed. We were rather — peckish — and we wondered if the Fireside comestibles were still moderately satisfying. The weather was fine, too — and cabin fever — having reached an unhealthy degree in our abode of humbleness — was well worth the antidote of a fine early evening out.
We felt young — and almost ourselves again — with just some minor complaints of mine about hemorrhoids. Creams work, let me just offer.
For many years, we have sufficiently enjoyed breakfast and lunch at the Fireside — you are close — and your prices — within the margins of reason. We have yet to sit “Fireside.” Alas, only one table wins that noble distinction — but your establishment is cozy in the typical “we are trying to be cozy” manner — with country charms that seem stolen from a “Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Going Out of Business Liquidation Sale.”
Usually, such country charms remind me of reruns of Hee-Haw — and subtle reminders of that show — and my mom playing John Denver and Dolly Parton — usually brings forth subtle PTSD — but that night — I was just too happy to “date” again with my beautiful wife — Mary Jane.
And no — I can’t roll her up and smoke her. But dare I say it — she is smokin’ hot — even in our Middle Ages. And she looked exquisite that Thursday night. We even “pre-gamed” in the park by your restaurant with red wine in a coffee thermos. The Po-Po would never suspect — am I right?
Please pardon my over-use of the em dash — it just helps — make my pronouncements — more emphatic — Will the simple comma even dare make a return?
If I could — I would roll my Mary Jane up and toke — as it would, perhaps, alleviate my anxiety and stress and mild depression — all due to this contagion of corrupted conservatism — but why get political now? I did, however, spy a small picture of someone with Reagan behind the cash register upon paying the bill. You may want to consider removing that — just saying.
On the walls of The Fireside, the “old-timey photos” in Western garb in sepia are cute, but the piercing eyes of that old woman — I pray not a relation to the family — made me feel as if the Eye of God was judging me as my wife and I perused the menu — which, sadly, was rather sticky and smelled of mildew. Immediately, I sanitized the menu with Covid-wipes from Wegman’s my wife keeps in her purse for just such an emergency! I sneezed. I am highly susceptible to mildew and mold.
We are local customers. We have brought the family in for breakfast on occasion — and the Buy One Get One coupon is always a boon — and helps alleviate the pain of the generous tip of 14.2% we leave for the waitress — before taxes. I use my phone calculator to calculate the tip. If the service is exceptional — I round up to 15%.
We wanted to try your dinners. So we gambled on the Fireside. We had many options, as well as many offers and coupons from which to choose — other restaurants begging for our patronage.
We came to the Fireside with a Save Around Coupon and asked the waitress if this was okay to use. Recently, I have been having difficulty with the Coupon Book because restaurants do not seem to want to honor them. She said we could — but there was a “misprint” and the 2nd meal was only half off.
There was no one in the restaurant — manager-wise. Already my stomach turned at hearing that “misprint” claim again. I have heard this from several restaurants. It’s either a lie or Save Around has one horrific proofreader who should be sacked immediately!
But we were peckish, as I have said. And we stayed — and endured. Why allow such a misprint to poison a delicious evening out with the wife? Another couple arrived and had a coupon, too, and another waitress, bless her wearied soul, gave them the same routine.
Now realize: we do enjoy seeing the fire — when operating from a flick of a switch — from across the room — and the food is palatable and filling — but the only reason come to The Fireside is, well, because of the coupon.
These are trying times, too, for customers — even flush with new funds from the federal government.
I did not order off the $9.99 menu because of the disclaimer. That much was clear, but I did order the Thursday Seafood off the waitress’s lined paper. Knowing I had a coupon, she should have told me that my meal would not be discounted, but she seemed new and young. And she may have been dizzy because of the mask — I did see her once or twice with an inhaler — and her glasses kept fogging due to the mask. I suggested she place her glasses over the mask — or polish the glasses with some liquid Dawn — or whatever can be acquired at the Dollar Tree.
When she brought out my meal, she apologized and said the meal was not discounted because it was a nightly special, meaning I get a drink and dessert (the meager dessert offerings are another issue). The tea — the drink I ordered — was tepid, at best — and I like a rolling boil. Was the teabag Lipton, perchance — that had been recycled as a cost-cutting measure — I wonder?
I know the margins of profit are razor-thin in the industry — but tea is one thing not to cut back on. If you need quality blends, I have many options. I only use quality leaves.
I considered sending the meal back, but I was very peckish and decided to write instead of making “a huge fuss and storming out in a huff.” I simply wanted to take my wife out on a Thursday night without breaking the bank. It was just too hot for her to cook.
We mostly enjoyed our meals, except the pea soup — small bits of green things swimming in the lagoon is not what I consider pea soup. Was the soup flavored with powdered “pea” flavor? And the seafood contained more sand than the sea — too much batter, I mean.
I could name twenty restaurants in the vicinity that I would rather have paid full price than pay full price for mediocre at The Fireside. The experience left me with a — excuse the bad pun — a bad taste in my mouth.
Coupons in such trying times as these bring people in the door — especially those hesitant about catching or spreading the contagion. But then once we get in the door, we are treated poorly. If you don’t want to turn people off, no longer use coupons. Then again, will they come if there are no coupons? In this economy, I will save whenever I can; I thought of giving Fireside a chance.
There are just too many other options — places where we don’t feel like Third-Class Coupon Citizens.
And because we’re local, we like to share our dining experiences with our neighbors — most of whom frequent those dining chains that really turn off me and my darling wife. Much too pedestrian, right? After all, isn’t Olive Garden the McDonald’s of Italian food?
Thank you for reading. Perhaps I have convinced you of a few ways to change The Fireside for the better. I worked in the industry when I was young and in college — and I know my way around the back of the house and the front of the house.
I hope that my letter will bring forth an apology with a guarantee of a fireside sitting — and a coupon my wife and I could use to enjoy your fare.
Best regards,
Walter Bowne Connoisseur of Tea Retired Importer of Tea Full-time Medium Scribbler Follow me at Walter Bowne.
PS: Claps for my articles may alleviate the need for an apology letter. But both may prompt us to visit The Fireside again — as long as a coupon is honored.
Read my other satires in Open Letters!
Open Letter to Readers of Ayn Rand
Open Letter to Bigelow Tea Company