An Open Letter To The Express Lane Cashier

Rules Are Rules. That’s All.

An open letter to the express lane cashier:

Your light was off. Everyone knows what that means.

There was only one customer in your lane, and I was in a hurry. Plus, your lane was for people with twelve items or less. It was a match made, if not in heaven, at least in a supermarket.

But, as I’ve mentioned, the light indicating your lane was open, was in fact, turned off.

I know the rules. I assumed you did too. But maybe you’d just forgotten to turn it on?

I tried to make eye contact. You looked away. So, I slid into the next shortest line, right next to yours. Only two people were ahead of me, one checking out and the other with tons of groceries.

I’d clearly chosen the wrong lane because the cashier in my line took over a minute to count out the $40.79 change.

With enough active passivity to make my British friends across the pond proud, I watched your lane for any sign you might be open for more customers.

You gave your customer a receipt and turned like you were going to walk away. The light remained in its perpetual non-lit state.

A customer entered your line, oblivious to your light being off. You greeted her. With a smile.

A SMILE!

Meanwhile, my cashier seemed to be having trouble with the change. $40.79. Two twenties. Three quarters. One nickel. Four pennies. This is why Australia no longer uses pennies. I think maybe Sweden doesn’t either. I’m no longer neutral on the issue. It’s looking like a good idea.

I glanced at you again, wondering if I should put my eleven items on the conveyor belt. You looked to me with no recognition and back to your customer. As soon as she finished, another customer walked up.

The light remained off.

It didn’t matter to your next customer. He had twenty-seven items. Okay. I didn’t count them, but there’s no way it was twelve or less. Also, he didn’t have a mask on. 😷 Just saying.

At last, I would get relief.

At worst, you’d turn him away. You had to at this point. But just maybe, if I was lucky, you’d call for security. I’m not sure the store has security guards, but they should for customers that need to be flogged.

No flogging occurred. Neither did you turn him away.

No.

You smiled. Again.

This left me aghast. It also made me look up how to spell aghast just now. The day gets better and better.

This was no longer about me not getting the quick service I needed and desired. Now my soul demanded justice. How dare everyone be rewarded for breaking the rules while I was condemned to wait on a cashier who couldn’t count?

I’d say that’s why she wasn’t working the express lane, but we’ve already covered your not counting to twelve.

And then, yet another customer, this one with only a handful of items, got in behind the man with all the items. He threw a candy-bar onto the counter, making his item count Much-More-Than-Twelve-Plus-One.

Resigned to waiting, and having left my flogging stick at home under the bed, I placed my items on my own conveyor belt.

Three hours (give or take) later, my cashier started checking me out. A few seconds after that, she started ringing up my items. 😜

I risked one last glance your way.

You.

Had.

Turned.

Your.

$%^&ing

Light

On.

Years and years ago, I worked in a grocery store. One of the very easiest things to do is turn on the light indicating your lane is open.

Had you mastered this technique, I’d have gotten home much sooner.

I’d also be writing about someone else. Maybe the drive-thru worker that makes you repeat every part of your order three times, reads it back to you and still manages to get it wrong. That, or the existential crisis brought about by never getting what you ordered at a drive-thru.

But no. This letter is for you.

Learn how to turn your light on. It’s easy. You flip the switch up, and it’s on.

I’d tell you how to turn it off, but I’m pretty sure you already know how to do it.

And if that’s too complicated a skill to master, I know a few drive-thrus you’d be perfect for.

Scott Hughey forgot the bottled water he meant to get. No way is he going back tonight for it.

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