OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to Straight Men Who Are Paranoid About Gay Men Seeing Them Naked

Most of us aren’t going to grope you or make a move on you…so please drop the bravado!

Dear Heterosexual Dudes/Bros,

This is a serious, heartfelt letter. (I know…it’s ridiculous that I feel the need to preface it with such specificity).

After my previous “Open Letter to Heterosexual People Who ‘Don’t Understand’ Homosexuality,” I felt I owed you guys one that was more authentic and contained minimal snark.

I speak for my individual perspective, as a gay dude, when I write this. All of my life, I’ve craved brotherhood and camaraderie from other guys — regardless of sexual orientation. I was closeted in K-12 school. Many people view me as effeminate. And I fall on the autism spectrum. So my mindset won’t necessarily be universal to all gay or bisexual men.

But, I can safely say that I speak for many of us. Even the ones who are neurotypical (non-autistic).

So, hetero dudes: this may or may not apply to you, whether you’re a conservative Kyle or a liberal Paul (or somewhere in-between). If you see any of your past or present behavior reflected in my critique, please know that I say it with fraternal love. If you *don’t* see yourself described in it, then maybe share my words with any of your fellow straight guys who ARE the problematic ones.

For any of you who (when in a situation that you fear could be interpreted by others as homoerotic) have a tendency to utter the phrase #NoHomo…

I realize most of you are saying it because you either…

A.) Want others to know you’re single and only attracted to women

B.) Want any men who are attracted to other men to know upfront that you aren’t part of our prospective dating pool

Totally fair and reasonable.

I also realize that there are typically three main reasons why some heterosexual guys might be reluctant to shed their clothes when around other dudes:

1.) General modesty issues / reluctance for ANYONE to see you shirtless or naked, unless it’s a doctor or a female lover

2.) Based on your negative experiences around gay or bisexual men who, in the past, may have hit on you or violated your bodily sovereignty in ways that were inappropriate/predatory

3.) Because of trauma from earlier in your lives, such as same-sex molestation/abuse/rape or negative body image (dermatological problems, cellulite, etc.)

Trust me, I’ve endured my share of Points 2 and 3. None of it “turned me gay” (seeing how I already was gay), but it definitely conditioned me to be more cautious.

I don’t excuse the actions of any of my gay/bi brothers who’d try to force themselves on you. Whether it’s groping, kissing, or other inappropriate touching — if I’m there when it happens, I’ll be the first one to back you up and tell them to knock it off. Because they make all of us Queer men look bad.

But, if you’re open to getting to know me and my intentions…please be assured that I won’t misconstrue any platonic overtures of affection from you. I won’t assume that you play for my team just because you’re willing to share fraternal intimacy.

I was the kid who watched, shyly, as other boys engaged in middle school locker room horseplay…and wished I’d been brave and popular and accepted enough to join in.

I was the kid who was bullied by other boys so badly that I was terrified to use the public restroom during the day at school. I usually held my bladder until I got home, because I was paranoid about the possibility of getting harassed inside an unsupervised bathroom.

(I consider it a small miracle that my kidneys are currently healthy!)

I was the kid who grew up to be an adult who’d sometimes have moments where I refrained from stripping down to use the showers at the gym, because I was worried about other men (even hetero dudes) judging my body fat or stretch marks.

I wish I could feel more confident around my fellow gentlemen. So, if we ever get to hang out in person, a bro-hug or a pound-hug or a chest-bump would go a long way toward reminding myself that I’m “one of you” (even if our sexual orientations are different).

By putting up so many artificial walls around one another, we’re often depriving ourselves of shared affinity.

When I hear #NoHomo spilling out of your mouth — what I’m hearing is that I’m not good enough to be your bro. That we’re never going to be able to have a genuine friendship…because there’s always going to be this bubble separating us, related to sexuality, whereupon I can’t truly be myself around you…and you can’t be yourself around me.

If you’re open to hearing additional context for these sentiments of mine…

Read my recent Medium piece on the concept of “nutric masculinity” (as a contrast to what’s often referred to as “toxic masculinity”).

Check out psychotherapist Joe Kort’s Huffington Post piece on how most gay men will view the privilege of communal nudity, while amongst heterosexual men, as serious and sacred.

Witness Patch.com columnist Frank McCabe narrate his outlandish insecurities — as a heterosexual guy — trying to navigate the dynamics of male-only public showers at his local YMCA.

Peruse Cyd Zeigler’s OutSports editorial on how many straight male athletes will regularly exhibit more “gay” behavior than their actual gay male teammates do.

So, please give me a chance.

Don’t let my homosexuality or my autism or my personal trauma or my lack of “masculine” mannerisms stop you from offering to let me be “one of the guys.”

I’m searching for my special someone…just like you are (or just like you once did, if you’re already in a committed heterosexual relationship).

I love to blow my load…just like you do.

I want to find excuses to be crazy or goofy or uninhibited by enjoying nonsexual “guy time” in all-male spaces…just like you may have.

I don’t wish to end up alone in life…just like you don’t.

In other words…

If you’re willing to go naked (casually and platonically) in front of your fellow straight bros…you should also be willing to do the same in front of your gay bros.

We all have the same equipment “down there” or “around the back.”

I don’t expect you to be a part of my romantic life. I will, however, be elated if we happen to end up forming a connection where we’d sacrifice our comfort or embrace our humility in order to protect one another.

I want to connect — socially, psychologically, spiritually, cerebrally — with someone who is just like me.

Who understands what it’s like to BE A GUY.

But the difference is whether I might have sex with him (if he shares my ability for same-sex attraction)…or, alternately, whether I can bond with him on a more primal level that’s based on our common brotherhood rather than being based on a common sexuality.

in solidarity and fraternity,

– Eichy