SPREADING GOOD CHEER
An Open Letter to Racist Assholes
There’s some redundancy in the title. See if you can find it.
You were dropped on your head as a child and serially unloved as an adult.
Your life skills, smarts, emotional intelligence, and attention to metacognition are all subpar, alarmingly so. You are rage-filled and impotent.
Willful ignorance is your religion.
In short, you’re pitiful and we get that.
But really, why do you have to take it all out on us?
In the spirit of truth, reconciliation, and general do-goodedness I’ve got some helpful suggestions for how and where you can direct all your pent-up energies and mind farts.
Or, as is commonly said, “I’m here to help you turn your frown upside down.”
Please pick three (or more, if you need them) of your faves from the list below and get busy.
We know you’ll still be a racist asshole, but at least you’ll be distracted. It seems your affliction is incurable.
Learn to juggle
Start with three objects and work your way up.
I’d recommend a live grenade, a rattlesnake with rabies, and one of MTG’s dingleberries.
Become a Boy Scout leader or a church elder
Oh, you know.
Figure out how many words you can make with the letters in the word “parole.”
Hint — “Repo” is one of them, so you’ll feel right at home.
Bigger hint — “Opera” is a form of music.
Figure out the punchline to this joke.
Q: What do you call a meeting of two or more racist assholes? A: ʇᴉsᴉʌ lɐƃnɾuoɔ ∀
See how helpful I am? I provided the answer so you won’t have to strain yourself thinking.
Read a book (not the “good” one)
Or, better still, have one read to you, you’ll feel better about yourself that way.
Play Scrabble
If you’re lucky you can spell all the nasty words and score lots of points.
#6 is my favorite. Bummer that it’s not nasty.
Become a Grand Dragon
This one might take some extra study time.
Join a church choir
You all sing from the same hymnal so this one will be a snap.
Try to ascertain if I’ve spelled “SCHADENFREUDE” correctly.
Yes, I know that “ascertain” is a big word, but I’ve already used “figure out.” (twice)
Once you’ve got that, attempt to determine if “schadenfreude” is what this little story is all about.
These are all the helpful hints I have for you now. Please put what’s left of your mind to generating others. You may be able to spawn some great ideas of your own.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
