An Open Letter To My Wife, Who Never Gets My Writing
If You Never Read Anything By Me, Don’t Start With This
My Dear Wife,
It started after I read you my most recent article. You know, the one that everyone has been commenting on.
Sure, 68 views and a 47% read ratio aren’t exactly burning it up, but this was JUST released. I have high hopes. The article has high praise. Just, not from you.
Your response? “It’s okay.” High praise from you.
Then, you said something that made sense.
Your next article should be An Open Letter To My Wife Who Never Gets My Writing.
I’m not sure if you were joking, but it was a fantastic idea. Thank you for contributing, in this small way, to my writing.
Let’s review.
I’ve written short stories that you don’t touch. You read novels, you say. I’ve written novels. At least one of them is actually good.
You don’t read them. I read my best passages to you. To paraphrase another writer you don’t get, you just look at me like I’ve grown a third head. (Thanks for the analogy, Douglas Adams. I still miss you.)
What’s a writing husband to do?
Non-fiction! That’s what you tell me you like these days. Not counting online articles, I’ve authored five separate non-fiction books. That’s five more than you’ve read.
They say a writer needs to write with their target audience in mind. Stephen King calls it the ideal reader.
I have chosen to accept that you are not my ideal reader. Someone who doesn’t get Douglas Adams could never be.
Face the facts. Let’s look at some online writing by me.
In my Is Subway Gaslighting Us article about Subway not using real tuna, I pose the following question about Imitation Crab Meat Subs.
What if there’s real crab meat in there?
You don’t even grin.
Fine, fine.
In my I Ate Dinner With A Murderer article, I tell the story of when I traveled and ran into a man who’d killed his friend a few hours ago.
“Well,” he answered calmly. “ I just killed a man a few hours ago, and I can’t get the image out of my head.”
Your response?
Does it ever make you feel embarrassed that you didn’t try to subdue him?
Great. You don’t read me. You don’t like it when I read my work to you. And now it appears you don’t like my story endings. Not even when they’re drawn from real life.
Look at something more recent. In one of my funniest stories, I told the true-crime incident of a Woman Fighting Crime Using Oral Sex.
It contains Laugh-Out-Loud lines such as:
The best part about the story? It’s 100% true if you can swallow that.
Your reaction?
Actually…. you didn’t react at all. Because I didn’t tell you about that one. I don’t think you’d appreciate it. You frowned pretty loudly when you saw my headline, Your Pictures Suck But They Don’t Have To. You think the word suck is rude. I doubt you’d appreciate my take on the crime-fighting technique.
My point? I’ve come to accept that you don’t get my writing. So, I’ll make you a deal.
I’ll keep writing things like:
We don’t know the woman’s name or even her phone number…she is believed to be 36, of Czech nationality, and a heck of a first date.
And you continue not reading it. I think we’ll both be happier that way.
Thank you for not getting, or reading, my writing.
Yours in love and matrimony,
TheWriteScott
Scott Hughey is sending this letter to his wife. If she ever becomes a paying member on this site and reads it, he may be in big trouble. After all, she’ll be sure to find The 3 Prostitutes That Surprised Me.
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