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Abstract

alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.</blockquote><blockquote id="b97c">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>I mumbled something about doing more therapy sessions to stay in touch with my baseline feelings, but my new sponsor was having none of it.‘This isn’t an emotional issue!’ he said, cutting in. ‘This is a memory issue that no amount of therapy you chose to throw money at will solve.’He even suggested that the mental blank spot could be similar to a form of amnesia or dementia that science hasn’t picked up on yet.‘But why hasn’t science picked up on it?’ I asked, holding the phone tightly.‘Probably because this blank spot only happens at certain times. Most of the time, it lays dormant.’ he replied before warning,‘And unfortunately, this dormancy feature gives us an illusion of power. We think we’ve got sobriety now because our memory and willpower function normally again. Until, the condition randomly comes back online, and we relapse, leaving us totally baffled as to why it happened.’My new sponsor sighed deeply.‘It’s heartbreaking,’ he said softly. ‘Especially if you’ve relapsed after being multiple years clean. But it is sadly needed to show you that you are genuinely powerless, regardless of how much you desire and want to be sober.’My head was spinning. Every sentence felt like the jolt of an electric cattle prod.Later that day, I looked back at my recent relapses. I found no real conscious memory of consequences before any of them.It appeared relapse was happening to me, not by me.<blockquote id="8aba">As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come — I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.</blockquote><blockquote id="93f7">~ The Big Book, page 41.</blockquote><figure id="7922"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*n4r4HuNFWSnCD_WU"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alicealinari?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Alice Alinari</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="287c">A Belief That It Will All Be Alright.</h2>Sadly, the ‘blank spot’ wasn’t all that was happening.My new sponsor later explained that something else was happening in my mind, a kind of twisting of my thinking that I couldn’t see either.This is the other main feature of the relapse condition.The Big Book explains it as follows:<blockquote id="f067">But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning, there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out.</blockquote><blockquote id="4ad8">~ The Big Book, page 37.</blockquote>Anytime the ‘good idea’ of relapsing suddenly popped into my head, part of me would start to minimise the lunacy of this thought.I would begin to rationalise this catastrophic idea with excuses and reasons why it would be, in fact, okay to relapse despite being in recovery.No matter how insignificant and non-sensical those reasons were, they quickly became plausible and seemingly rational.At the same time, the urge to want to relapse would start to surge.A fear of missing out would relentlessly come crashing in like waves rolling in and out of my consciousness.Thoughts and narratives of why it would be okay this time would dominate my thinking.Finally, a tidal wave of justification would smother me into deep unconsciousness.Convinced of my rationale, I would carry out my plan, only to revert back to type and do everything I said I wouldn’t do, and again, find myself powerless to stop once I started.This twisted thinking was nothing more than a lie, but I believed the lie and didn’t see the flaw in the logic in light of my track record with partying.To any average person, this kind of thinking and decision-making would be termed irrational, unsound, or even insa

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ne.The Big Book calls this thinking an ‘obsession to beat the game’.Whether it’s a vague idea that this time it would be different, that I would do it differently and party like a gentleman.Or the well-loved excuse that this will be my last relapse. After this final time, I’ll be done for good. I’ll get on with my life.But, it never was different and that last time never did happen.My new sponsor would remind me often,‘You aren’t changing your mind when you’ve decided to give in and party; your mind has been changed for you.’<h2 id="4c19">It Centers In Our Minds</h2>Of course, there is a body element for the addict.Naturally, as a consequence of the constant extreme usage of powerfully addictive substances and processes that are designed by their very nature to make you want more and more, addicts have developed a sky-high tolerance.But there’s this annihilation approach to our acting out and using once we start, which the Big Book describes as the ‘phenomenon of craving’.In the Doctor’s opinion in the Big Book, Dr. Silkworth calls the phenomenon of craving an ‘allergy’, but my new sponsor wasn’t too keen on that idea.‘If it’s an allergy, then why doesn’t the phenomenon of craving happen every time?’Regardless of whether it is an allergy, the body part becomes irrelevant, as most people with a severe peanut allergy don’t tend to keep repeating the total lost cause of trying to have another peanut to see if they will react differently.They don’t touch or go anywhere near peanuts because they remember how terrible it was last time.Once or twice is enough.Not so with the real addict because of the first two features of the disease; they will not only be back gorging on peanuts, but they will eventually take up residence in a peanut factory.<blockquote id="e3f6">There is a complete failure of the kind of defence that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, “It won’t burn me this time, so here’s how!” Or perhaps he doesn’t think at all.</blockquote><blockquote id="d5e6">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>That’s why the Big Book says the real problem ‘centers in our mind’, not our bodies.‘What will happen now,’ my new sponsor forewarned, ‘as the relapses get worse, the time between them will get shorter and shorter.’This condition is progressive.Therefore, the blanking and twisting will naturally grow in scope and reach until you can no longer differentiate the true from the false.<h2 id="869b">Turning To Something Else</h2>If you believe in the disease concept of addiction, that this is a disease, a fatal illness precisely like any other life-threatening condition, then you have it for life.There is nothing you can do to change that.If you constantly can’t remember why or how you relapsed despite your honest desire not to.Or if you continually relapse, believing some trivial reason or silly excuse to relapse while dismissing the genuine consequences, then you are a real addict.You have this relapse condition.You crossed a threshold where, at certain times, your inability to use reasoning and rational thinking won’t even register for you.The tragic truth is that once that threshold has been crossed, you have no choice but to relapse.A compromised part of your brain will always fire the thought of using or acting out. That will never change. It’s wired like that for life.There is no cure.Even this information won’t save you, as at certain times, you won’t be able to recall any of it when it matters.So, let go of trying to change that.Let go of any old ideas around fighting it and instead get out of the way and trust in something else.After all, that’s all you’ve got.There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop this relapse condition.But there’s everything you can do about everything else.There’s everything you can do about building a spiritual dimension to your life, by giving back, helping others, living in genuine faith and trusting in something greater than you.There’s everything you can do to improve your awareness and intuition, raise your consciousness and develop another part of your brain.And let this part of your brain grow bigger and stronger than that addictive part so that it can embrace and look after that compromised part.Just like a bigger and wiser older sibling can care for and comfort a much younger upset sibling by giving that stressed child a big hug.There’s everything you can do about deciding to take on a new attitude, direction, and way of life that will keep this condition dormant one day at a time.If this article speaks to you, please follow, share and subscribe to me for more.Click <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">here</a> to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">X</a>.</article></body>

WOMEN IN BUSINESS

An Interview With a Female Entrepreneur

What I discovered from the four questions I posed to a female founder of an eCommerce startup

I was fortunate to interview a number of female entrepreneurs for a piece of research over the last couple of years.

“Knowing that things could be worse should not stop us from trying to make them better.”

— Sheryl Sandberg, ex-Facebook CEO, Author

This article is one such interview that I’d like to share with you.

Question 1 — Female Entrepreneur

The first question was designed to gain insight into the mind behind the entrepreneur, in terms of motivations, traits, and/or behaviors.

What drives you? Why do you do what you do?

I actually can’t be specific as to where my drive, energy, and focus comes from, to want to start a business, or be involved in a startup business.

All I know is it’s always been there and it’s something I’m completely certain about, which is interesting as I’m not certain about a lot of things in my life but I am certain that this is what I want to do.

It feels very visceral, like an internal source of energy and if I'm not being involved in something exciting, interesting, or challenging I feel restless and very unhappy.

I feel it’s very related to why I loved swimming and what it gave me and in some ways, I have been searching for something in my life to replace swimming.

It could also be described as tenaciousness.

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

I’ve sometimes joked to people that if I was handed an in-depth car manual told to go out and fix a car, I would. That there is something inside me that will take on nearly any task with gusto.

I also know it has nothing to do with money and more about creativity and being involved with people. For instance, if I was given the option to win the lottery or build a successful business I would choose the latter.

I’m also highly driven to collaborate with other people and I’m fascinated and amazed at what teams can create and deliver, how ideas nurtured in a group can develop and become great with the input of diverse individuals.

“Life-fulfilling work is never about the money- when you feel true passion for something you instinctively find ways to nurture it.”

— Eileen Fisher, founder of Eileen Fisher Inc.

Question 2 — Female Entrepreneur

The second question was proposed to understand the sector-specific challenges facing a female founder.

What are the biggest challenges that you face as an eCommerce leader?

I don’t have a background in eCommerce and I have found the learning curve steep. There are so many aspects to an online business and it’s challenging to get first-rate advice.

There is a lot of point of views but it’s difficult to find the advice that will make the difference to your business; what to prioritize, why your customers are behaving the way they are.

In Ireland, I think there is a real deficit when it comes to expert digital marketing skills (eCommerce).

I’m at the very early stages of launching my business so I’m not recruiting at the moment but I anticipate that finding the right people will be a challenge.

“I have never worked a day in my life without selling. If I believe in something, I sell it and I sell it hard.”

— Estee Lauder, Co-Founder of Estee Lauder Corp.

I’m certainly finding it difficult to get good ‘freelance’ advice. The reality is people do not seem to have a clear understanding of the eCommerce marketing landscape (in Ireland) and this is very challenging.

Question 3 — Female Entrepreneur

The third question was designed to identify industry-specific (eCommerce) opportunities.

What are the biggest opportunities you see as an eCommerce leader?

I see two growing spaces:

Digital consulting agencies (Marketing and content)
Order fulfillment

Ireland lagged behind mature eCommerce markets like the UK and the USA, but we’re making great progress lately. Digital consulting agencies and fulfillment companies are two areas ripe for growth.

“On my own I will just create, and if it works, it works, and if it doesn’t, I’ll create something else. I don’t have any limitations on what I think I could do or be.”

— Oprah Winfrey, Host, Producer and Philanthropist

Question 4 — Female Entrepreneur

The fourth question explored leadership to better understand the views, from a female founders' perspective.

What leadership traits and characteristics or indeed strengths and weaknesses do you feel are required or hinder you in your pursuit of excellence in your field of expertise?

I think it’s vitally important to listen to your market/audience and the data produced from eCommerce endeavors is unique compared to more traditional businesses.

This needs to be mined, to shape strategy and pivot the business as quickly as possible especially at the start.

Executing as quickly as possible is also key.

I did a lot of research and preparation prior to starting a business for years, reading all the books, etc. but nothing prepares you for actually doing it.

All the lessons you may have read about such as cash flow, feeling the fear and doing it anyway take on a whole new perspective when you’re in it.

If I was to give any advice to anyone it’s about holding your nerve, taking the emotion out of decisions, and always remembering why you decided to do it in the first place.

Final Thoughts

Thanks to Gina, the lady who kindly gave up her time for this interview, a number of responses stood out.

So to recap, allow me to borrow Gina’s words:

№1 — What drives you? “I am certain that this is what I want to do.”

№2 — Challenges? To find “good ‘freelance’ advice.”

№3 — Opportunities? “Digital consulting agencies and fulfillment companies are two areas ripe for growth (in Ireland).”

№4 — Leadership? “It’s vitally important to listen to your market” your audience. Also, “if I was to give any advice to anyone it’s about holding your nerve, taking the emotion out of decisions, and always remembering why you decided to do it in the first place.”

To those female founders out there reading this article, I’d very much welcome to read your feedback, your experience in the responses below.

Any thoughts on this — Sinem, Nicole, Jessica, Karen, Kathryn, Julia, Aurora, Livia, Lori, and Michele?

Is Positive Discrimination Good for Female Entrepreneurs?

A discussion about gender-typical products and Services for Female Entrepreneurs

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“Why Do You Do What You Do?”

A 3-question interview with a serial entrepreneur

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