An Easy 3-Step-Formula to Be More Assertive

Without being an inconsiderate jerk.

“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself.”

― Edith Eva Eger

Assertiveness is a keystone to getting what you want from life.

It’s the ability to communicate in a neither passive nor aggressive, but self-assured way. In simple words: the ability to stand up for yourself and your own interests without sounding like a jerk.

However, being assertive is often denounced or frowned upon. Not because it’s something bad per se, but because people struggle with expressing and communicating their needs in an appropriate way.

The last thing you want to do is to come off as aggressive, inconsiderate, selfish, or demanding when you all you tried to say was that you need to finish your own project before you can give someone else a hand.

As so often, this is not an issue of intention, but of communication. As the saying goes

It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

That’s why I have broken down the whole process into an easy 3-step-formula you can use when you want to be assertive, but don’t know how to. It will help you communicate in a polite and respectful, but assertive way, so you can get what you want and be authentic — without feeling bad about it.

Walk Through the Door

Communicating with assertiveness means you need to find a midway between being passive-submissive and aggressive.

Think of what you want as being behind a door.

If you’re passive-submissive, you’re the doormat. Everyone walks all over you and you’ll never get what’s behind the door unless someone decides to carry you in — which is not going to happen anytime soon.

If you’re aggressive, you’re using a sledgehammer. Sure, you’ll get through the door, but not exactly in the most appropriate way. You steamroll everything in your path and people will feel terrified or give you weird looks at least.

Instead, you need to open the door and walk through it — go for what you want in a polite, but assertive way.

To do that, you can use this three-step-formula I tested over many years. It’s straightforward, easy to remember, and will make you a better and more assertive communicator.

• Validate the other person’s point of view People want to feel heard and appreciated. That doesn’t mean you have to be at their beck and call but you have to show some consideration. Make it clear you heard them and considered their opinion so they feel understood. When you show some empathy, you’ll increase your chances of getting what you want by a landslide.
• Explain your own point of view Your view of the situation might differ from the other person’s, which is fine. It’s not about who’s right or wrong but about the fact that you have different opinions and viewpoints. And just as you validated theirs, you have to make sure they understand where you’re coming from.
• State your own needs & suggest a course of action Now that you have both viewpoints laid out, communicate clearly what you want or need. Suggest a course of action that fits your own desires. Use “I”-statements — this is about you and you have to take ownership of your opinion.

The most important thing is to maintain a polite but assertive tone. When you express your interests, you neither have to be apologetic nor a jerk.

The 3-Step-Formula in Action

You can make anything sound fancy if you beat around the bush long enough, so here are a few examples.

Let’s say a friend has troubles with his printer and wants you to come over to help him fix it right away, although you had a tiring week and planned to relax and regenerate for a few hours.

“I understand you need help and this is important but I’ve had an awful week at work and need some downtime. I won’t be of much help today, but have you tried Google? If that doesn’t help, I can give you a hand tomorrow.”

If you struggle with a lack of adventure in the bedroom but your partner doesn’t like to talk about it despite your best efforts, you can try the following.

“Hey, I would really like to have a conversation about our sex life. I don’t want to bug you and I get this is a sensitive topic you don’t like to address. But in my opinion, a fulfilling sex life is part of any healthy relationship. I would like to work on this together, so please share with me what’s on your mind.”

If your boss bombards you with work because your coworkers got sick or fell behind schedule, it can be hard but necessary to draw some boundaries.

“I understand we are understaffed at the moment and you have a hard time keeping all the balls in the air. I want to do my best and take one for the team but I have to be realistic, too. I’m doing as much as I can right now, and if I take on even more, the quality of my work will suffer. I’d love to take a look at how we can improve the situation together.

Validate their problem and show understanding, give them your own view of the situation, and be clear about your own needs. It’s as easy as that.

Maybe you noticed the metaphorical olive branch in these examples, like helping out another time or tackling an issue together.

An olive branch is a great way to increase your chances of cooperation. From a psychological point of view, people are always looking for balance. If you offer them something, they’ll be more willing to give something back in return.

What holds you back from being more assertive is often a fear of other people thinking badly of you. Here’s how to let go of that:

Get The Authentic Man 5–3–1 Newsletter

5 minutes to read. 3 ideas, quotes, and questions to help you become a more Authentic Man. 1 biweekly challenge to get you closer to your dream life. Become the best version of your true self in under 5 minutes!