Summary

The author, a half Dutch and half Indonesian individual, reflects on personal experiences with bullying and racism, questioning their own potential biases and the impact of these experiences on their understanding and behavior towards others.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's introspective journey as they grapple with the question of whether they harbor racist attitudes. Despite being multiracial, the author acknowledges a lack of understanding of what racism truly means, particularly for black individuals and those facing exclusion. Recounting instances of being bullied for being different, the author ponders whether these experiences have unconsciously influenced their perception of people from other races. The author also recalls a black teacher who stood up for them against bullying, expressing a newfound respect for this teacher amidst a predominantly white environment. The piece concludes with the author's commitment to self-reflection and a desire to engage in conversations about racism, recognizing the need to challenge any racist thoughts that may arise.

Opinions

The author is uncertain about their own understanding of racism and its impact on individuals.
Past experiences with bullying have led the author to question whether they have developed unconscious biases against others who are black or differently colored.
The author believes they have never openly expressed racist sentiments due to their own experience of being bullied.
There is an admission of having generalized certain behaviors to all individuals of a particular race based on the actions of a few.
The author emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and rethinking any racist thoughts that emerge, advocating for open dialogue on the subject of racism.
Despite recognizing past mistakes, the author expresses a firm stance against racism and a willingness to learn and grow in their understanding and actions.

Racism

Am I a Racist?

I am half Dutch and I am half Indonesian.

Am I a racist myself? That is the question I am asking myself.

I don’t know the answer. Yet. Soon I will, I hope.

I don’t understand racism. In what way don’t I understand racism, then? Well, I don't know, either. I really don’t know. I really don’t know what racism means for black people. I really don’t know what racism means if you’re excluded in participating what you want.

Yes, I have been bullied but does that count my bullies are racist towards me because they already knew and they were aware that I was ‘different’ — besides playing the violin?

Photo courtesy of the author. Just me — the author.

I knew then that I am a half Indonesian and half Dutch woman, but as a kid, I wasn’t aware of differences, what it meant. To me, it was just a fact that I was half Dutch and half Indonesian. I knew it and I saw people were not really the same color, but I am not black. I am more white?! But I really don't know how to explain it.

I don’t know why they bullied me. They told me I had lice, which was not true! But maybe there is another explanation? I don’t know. It is guessing for me.

I know one thing is for sure. Since the topic of racism is trending again, I am — again — thinking more about myself as a human being, who I am, who I want to be, and who I am in this world. What kind of person do I want to be? Who am I really? Who is this writer, writing this piece for you?

Also, I am asking, if I was and if I am a racist myself? How was I towards others? Did I say anything harmful? I don’t think I said anything, I believe.

I don’t remember. In primary school I was different. More silence, and when I was comfortable, I was a talker and a doer.

In secondary school, there was a Maroccan boy bullying me, taking my stuff and hide it before the lesson even started. So, maybe, in my unconsciousness, I was thinking badly about those kinds of people, and towards you, in my thoughts.

In one of my classes, where it all happened, my black teacher said something about it. I was glad a teacher said something about it. I didn't dare to say anything about it. I was afraid that he would hit me in my face.

Now, I think about it again (I have because of my therapy session at the moment), I have so much more respect for my black teacher who got so many shits on his plate from my classmates.

Three classmates, one of them from another country and speaking fluently Dutch, bullied me too. All three offered me money to buy new clothes, as mine were not fashionable, according to them. I said no, as I thought ‘you’re not going to buy me friendship with money’. That semi-black girl called me a ‘stupid girl if I don’t take that money’, as she referred ‘you get that free from us’, and at the same time pointing to her two white friends who said nothing.

So, yes, I think I have generalized everyone like them in my mind. I never said things out loud as I knew how it would feel to be bullied. I never want to hurt anyone.

Just because of this experience, I think I have, without being aware of it, a racist towards other races.

Thinking about my experience with my classmates, I think in my mind I have been a racist too. Sometimes things vaguely came back into my mind. How things have happened and what I felt. I only felt the bullying process towards me. And I thought, probably, those people — as I have generalized — all are the same.

That is not good what I did.

Am I a racist if I never said anything about this subject?

Am I a racist if I never tried to understand this topic?

Am I a racist that I had generalized everyone who was black or otherwise colored than me?

I am not saying I did well, I am not saying I was right what I did.

I want also — black people — give an insight into what I had to deal with. That my actions came from what I had experienced. I don’t want to talk right about what I did, but I want to open a conversation about racism.

Even though I was against racism — it must stop, and I am still against racism. Now, I am more aware of this topic. Even if bad racist thoughts are popping into my head. I have to rethink everything that just popped into my head.

Well, I can’t say I am racist, but this experience makes me rethink who I am and who I want to be in the future, starting from now.

Further, I don’t know what to say, so I stop.