All The Shit That Hits The Fan

When it rains, it pours...but maybe that's okay.

Anytime I’ve heard the expression, “Bad things come in threes,” I’ve always imagined some stern Auditor going through his recordbooks to ensure there aren’t too many good things happening to me at any given moment.

When I think of my life as a book or a movie it’s one where I’ve been stuck with this super serious stickler to the rules for a lifetime too many.

I suppose that’s one way to deal with the feeling that I’ve had a somewhat difficult life. There’s been a great deal of sadness in it. I tend to get the feeling that good things aren’t meant for me.

My big wins are followed up by devastating losses. Or that’s the story I tell myself. That’s the easy way to deal with disappointments.

This spring, my fulltime freelancing position suddenly dwindled and reduced my monthly income by about 40 percent. I was freaking out. Thinking I’d have to get on welfare and lose my apartment. I even worried about my daughter’s dad using my new financial situation to try to take our daughter.

I think he’s too lazy for that, but still, that fear’s been there.

That’s why I started up on Medium. I really didn’t know what else to do. I was so afraid of complete failure that I decided my only reasonable choice was to use all of the bad for something good.

I decided to take a huge risk in the name of my personal growth and future. I began on April 25 and never could have imagined what would happen next.

Because I suspected I would quit.

Now, I’m not exactly what you would call a winner. I haven’t been one of those for a really long time… not since high school.

In those days, I was in the Minnesota All-State Band. My senior art portfolio won a few different awards. My classmates voted me “Most Artistic” and “Most Unpredictable” for the yearbook three out of four years.

I had a semblance of a life, even though I had my share of struggles. I wasn’t popular, and hardly influential--but I didn’t need to be either of those things. Everyone knew me and I moved pretty easily among my school’s various social circles without the feeling I couldn't belong.

Things have been very different for me as a grownup. I typically feel like a pseudo adult. I’ve struggled with an external locus of control to the point where I’ve mostly given up (on anything and everything) and grown discouraged rather than growing up.

I don’t want to say I’m a loser, but let’s just say that many years have gone by where I’ve had nothing to be truly proud of. Literally nothing.

It wasn’t until I became a mom in 2014 that I began to find my self-worth again. But every parent needs more than that one role, of course.

Writing on Medium is in fact the first time I’ve ever really invested in myself as an adult. It’s the only healthy risk I’ve taken aside from telling myself I’d be the best parent I could be.

I’m in an entirely new territory. Doing work I want to do and enjoying my small wins. Hold the phone--Where’s my Auditor? Things are going too well, isn’t that right?

I got a little lucky.

Early on I received a top writer status in mental health and parenting. Then the editors featured one of my stories. I actually made real cash last month to pay real bills.

People started to follow me. Granted it’s only a fraction of those folks who will even read my work going forward. But I’ll take it. Hey, it was cool to reach 500 followers this week--even knowing it’s essentially a vanity metric.

But sometimes you’ve just got to appreciate the small wins. It’s good for your mental health.

I’ve had a couple of pieces hit 1.1k claps lately without needing to be shared by the editors. Several of my stories have now gotten 60 or so fans. For a girl who struggles to fit in anywhere, I feel surprisingly at home here.

That’s not to say it’s been easy. Or that I’m making up my lost income. Not yet. But I work hard to write daily and publish nearly everyday, and I make Medium a real priority. I treat it like a job. And an investment.

So, there’s a ton to juggle in my life as a single mom working from home, but I have to say this is the first time I’ve put my mind to something in ages. It feels right. Like the wins come somewhat naturally.

The other day I got emails that I’m now a top writer in writing and relationships as well. I was incredibly surprised--but honestly, it felt really good.

And then maybe about twenty minutes later, I broke a tooth. A whole corner of a back molar came off when I took a bite of bread. SOFT BREAD. The same thing happened to the neighboring tooth four years ago after I gave birth to my daughter. Damn bread. That tooth’s been gone for three years. God dammit, I thought. Mr. Curmudgeon--aka my Auditor--must be back from a freaking sabbatical.

The truth is I’m still hanging on without using assistance like food stamps, WIC, or welfare. My apartment’s paid through July. But I don’t exactly have money for dental work. This sharp tooth edge that’s irritating my tongue and making it tough to simply talk is just one more reminder that shit can hit the fan at any time.

Frankly, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because that’s what I’m used to--the idea that when it rains it pours.

Do I know what I’m going to do? No. But I know what I can’t do. Give up.

Typically?

I would give up. Down my sorrows in more misery. Tell myself that life is out of my control. That things are hopeless.

My perspective is shifted today, largely because I’ve been writing everyday. Writing daily allows me to think more constructively about what I need and what I want and why I’ve given up in the past. It gives distance, so even though I'm emotional, I can take a step back and better choose my attitude.

These days, I spend my time feeling much more hopeful and worrying less--because I know I'm taking positive action everyday to improve my situation. Yes, bad things seem to come in waves. Shit has been hitting the fan in intervals my whole life. But now I finally understand the power of choosing your response to any given situation.

So what now?

Bring it on, Mr. Auditor.

I've got my umbrella.

Oh, and just as I was about to submit this story, I got an email that I’m also a top writer in love. See? I told you you've got to take those wins.