TEXAS POLITICS
All Right, All Right, All Right!
If McConaughey makes Texas his political stage, he’ll have to figure out how to translate screen-time into votes
Matthew McConaughey, meet fellow actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And pro wrestler Jesse Ventura. Singer and Cher’s ride-or-die, Sonny Bono. Yeah, “I Got You, Babe”, til I don’t anymore.
Don’t forget “B” List actor and piss-poor president Ronald Reagan. And that guy who played Gopher on “The Love Boat” — what’s his name? Oh, yeah, Fred Grandy. A complete doofus, if you ask me. Of course, in the world where down is up and up is down, Grandy became a congressperson. Makes sense to me.
Others you may want to familiarize yourself with: Shirley Temple; Clint Eastwood; Fred Thompson.
Not Republicans, all. But to a certain degree, successful — until they weren’t.
And then there was Senator Al Franken (D-MN). The jury’s still out on this “SNL” funny man-turned politician-turned comic again. But it looks like the laughs are winning.
All of these characters entered state and national politics after a turn as performers, and in the case of the 38th Governor of Minnesota, a WWE star called Jesse “The Body” Ventura.
All right, all right, all right.
I understand, Matt — you’re a Texan through and through — born in Uvalde, southwest of San Antonio, attended Longview High School in the eastern reaches of the state and graduated from the University of Texas. And you have a hankering for life of a political stripe. But I think you need to figure out what side of the cactus is sharpest, as my Nana would say, before you launch anything that guarantees less than a comfortable landing.
As a native Texan myself, I’ve got a few bits of advice for you — a Hollywood hunk who says he may or may not be interested in taking a bow down at the Governor’s Mansion in Austin.
Hear me out, Matt. Want to run for Governor of the Great State of Texas against that sorry SOB Greg Abbott?
Good for you, pardner. The polls right now — I know it’s early, but still — are looking decent. A positive standing could bode well for a McConaughey run.
But you have to face the facts — the Lone Star State has been bullied by its so-called “leaders” for decades. And we need someone who cares about Texas to step up and take charge. A pretty face can only take you so far in this life.
The people of the Great State of Texas are ready and willing. It’s their politicians who are pitiful and unprepared.
You might be ahead in the polls, Matt, but I’ve taken a look at your body of work.
The totality of it all doesn’t necessarily bode well for a gubernatorial run.
Hey, you might be playacting in pictures, but does all that pretty boy prancing around add up to a will to cure our state of the uglies?
Let’s take a look at some of what you’ve accomplished on the Silver Screen, shall we?
- Dazed and Confused: Small-town Texas, last day of high school, weed in wacky abundance. Welp, some of us have been there before. But is it enough of a constituency to put you into the Governor’s Mansion?
- Angels in the Outfield: Were you even in this one, Matt? I remember Danny Glover, Tony Danza and even Christopher Lloyd, but guess there’s a reason you’re ranked 15th on the cast list. Weak showing, bruh.
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre — The Next Generation: And you followed up the feel-good baseball movie with a member of the scary AF Chainsaw family. Top billing, and co-starring Renée Zellweger. Nice touch. And you might run into some pretty scary situations as the Guv, so put this flick in the “win” column.
- Boys on the Side: Assuming someone called you a “pretty boy”, so you decided to dip your toe in the rom-com river that flowed through the ’90s and early aughts. I think your rep as a dude who’s into romance could work both ways for you. So I understand why you tried to balance your career with offerings such as…
- Lone Star: Billed as a western drama. Pretty cliché, my man. But the one and only John Sayles received an Oscar nomination for this screenplay, so it’s more or less a draw here. You’ll be criticized for playing to type (macho man) but those still mired in the glorious history of the Republic of Texas will give you props for stepping up. Law enforcement, Sheriff Matt? I can get into this.
- A Time to Kill: Based on the John Grisham novel, screenplay by Grisham, too. Co-starring Sandra Bullock and Samuel L. Jackson. Crusading lawyer-type. What’s not to love?
- The Wedding Planner: Was this rom-com really 20 years ago? I thought you were totes adorbs opposite J-Lo, and I’ll bet a lot of women like me agree. You have my vote, Steve Edison.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: I never really clicked with this sappy, treacly treasure, but that’s probably not because of you. I’m just more of a Goldie Hawn fan than one of her daughter, Kate Hudson. Kate’s quirky, but not near as funny or cute as her mom. You’ve been accused of just going along to get along on this one — which, come to think of it, could do wonders for your new political career.
- Failure to Launch: This one might not work in your favor. The premise: a 30-year-old man who still lives with his parents — who needs an intervention — from one Sarah Jessica Parker — with whom he then falls in love? Lame-o in the extreme!
- We Are Marshall: Heartfelt, touching, real. So great. I’m sure it will garner you a vote or two.
Oh, there are more titles we could touch on here. I thought of and rejected Magic Mike for this list — hey, you weren’t even the stripper! Or what about Dallas Buyers Club? I’d love to include my hometown in this rundown — and you even snagged an Oscar for Best Actor — but I couldn’t figure out how your on-screen altruism would translate to popularity in the electorate.
One thing’s for certain, Matt. If you don’t run, my favorite, Beto O’Rourke, sure might. And either of you would be preferable to that Grim Reaper, Greg Abbott. What a stiff that guy is.