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Abstract

t thing,” I’ll say, before demonstrating the 5 speed cyclone twist rotation.</p><figure id="058a"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*r4LzgP9LEocgOkoNXCnqtQ.png"><figcaption>Mouth bring soft feeling indeed. (Photo from <a href="https://thesecretaffaire.ca/products/cyclone-blowjob-simulator?fbclid=IwAR0obOVy5fbof93ZACh0yEKiQQyE6G0MhrHLccExsizZy5PelqX6diJfeoI">thesecretaffair.ca</a>)</figcaption></figure><p id="5c8c" type="7">2.36 inches??? How did they know!</p><p id="1d33">Maybe I’m being too harsh on the old Cyclone Blowjob Simulator. I mean, just look at these reviews:</p><blockquote id="f1bf"><p>“It can be a little much at time. It’s not very gentle, the vibrations and twisting could use some tweaking. Doesn’t feel much like a blowjob but it does the job. Need to play with the modes more.” Robert L.</p></blockquote><blockquote id="ea30"><p>“Just didn’t give satisfaction” Matthew K.</p></blockquote><blockquote id="c99c"><p>“God damn, this Cyclone is like having a pair of eager lips 24/7 desperate to suck the living soul and cum out of you! The different speed levels and rotating vibrations perfectly compliment the whole sexual encounter every single time. AND THAT makes me think who even needs a girlfriend. This thing truly had me thinking as if I was getting head from a real life prnstar. Honestly, having the freedom to have the best head any time of the day and release some stress is what this BJ specialist has me feeling.” Jay L.</p></blockquote><p id="9f91"><i>*All actual reviews from the website</i></p><p id="bfa6">Well, if it’s good enough for Jay Leno, it’s good enough for me. I’m going to be the envy of all my friends. “Hey Oscar!” they’ll say. “Can I borrow that fa

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ncy masturbation device sometime?”</p><p id="78f3">“Absolutely not you disgusting pig,” I’ll say. “But you can get your very own for the low low price of $110.77 at <a href="https://thesecretaffaire.ca/products/cyclone-blowjob-simulator?fbclid=IwAR0obOVy5fbof93ZACh0yEKiQQyE6G0MhrHLccExsizZy5PelqX6diJfeoI">thesecretaffair.ca!</a>”</p><p id="5c78">Merry Christmas you filthy animals!</p><p id="bb7b">Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:</p><div id="0710" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/canada-declares-war-on-little-debbie-244154d99e23"> <div> <div> <h2>Canada Declares War on Little Debbie</h2> <div><h3>Nutty Buddys have been discontinued</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*2Pt8TOU5E6ydMWwM)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="6c16">Also hilarious is <a href="undefined">Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.</a>’s piece:</p><div id="a1d6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/christmas-morning-wardrobe-tips-for-men-a60a5d89af72"> <div> <div> <h2>Christmas Morning Wardrobe Tips— For Men</h2> <div><h3>For all dads that wonder if pants are optional</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*V77mfnP0uGcjefHUToRBwQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Christmas Presents

All I Want for Christmas is a Blow Job

My girlfriend got me this instead . . .

Sure it mimics oral sex, but it’ll never be able to mimic the moment when I think I’ve spotted dandruff in my girlfriend’s hair and then I spend the next five minutes wondering if she’s always had dandruff, or is this new, or is it even dandruff or maybe she just wore a fuzzy white hat or something and oh are you still down there? Okay, I’ll focus. (Photo from thesecretaffair.ca)

“It’s the next best thing!”

No Claire. No it isn’t.

The next best thing is a massage, or a butt plug, or a book about stamps. Hell, I’ll even let you dump hot Alphaghetti down the front of my jam-jams before I’ll let that terrifying fish face wrap its silicone lips around my manhood.

‘But Oscar, the Cyclone Blowjob Simulator has revolutionized men’s pleasure.’

It offers ‘an unlimited number of sensations’, which is strange, because the only two sensations I feel when I use this device are mild amusement followed by crippling sadness.

It is even USB rechargeable. Perfect! The next time my girlfriend’s family comes over and sees these outrageous flounder lips plugged into the USB port on the side of my laptop, I can simply explain that their daughter finds oral sex cumbersome. “It’s the next best thing,” I’ll say, before demonstrating the 5 speed cyclone twist rotation.

Mouth bring soft feeling indeed. (Photo from thesecretaffair.ca)

2.36 inches??? How did they know!

Maybe I’m being too harsh on the old Cyclone Blowjob Simulator. I mean, just look at these reviews:

“It can be a little much at time. It’s not very gentle, the vibrations and twisting could use some tweaking. Doesn’t feel much like a blowjob but it does the job. Need to play with the modes more.” Robert L.*

“Just didn’t give satisfaction” Matthew K.*

“God damn, this Cyclone is like having a pair of eager lips 24/7 desperate to suck the living soul and cum out of you! The different speed levels and rotating vibrations perfectly compliment the whole sexual encounter every single time. AND THAT makes me think who even needs a girlfriend. This thing truly had me thinking as if I was getting head from a real life p*rnstar. Honestly, having the freedom to have the best head any time of the day and release some stress is what this BJ specialist has me feeling.” Jay L.*

*All actual reviews from the website

Well, if it’s good enough for Jay Leno, it’s good enough for me. I’m going to be the envy of all my friends. “Hey Oscar!” they’ll say. “Can I borrow that fancy masturbation device sometime?”

“Absolutely not you disgusting pig,” I’ll say. “But you can get your very own for the low low price of $110.77 at thesecretaffair.ca!”

Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

Canada Declares War on Little Debbie

Nutty Buddys have been discontinued

medium.com

Also hilarious is Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.’s piece:

Christmas Morning Wardrobe Tips— For Men

For all dads that wonder if pants are optional

medium.com