COOKING WITH KRISTEN
Alexa, Walk Me Through a Recipe
Okay, let’s do it!
Come along as Alexa helps me cook a delicious meal. Keep a notebook handy to jot down culinary tips and tricks along the way!
Me: Alexa, find an easy pasta recipe.
Alexa: Okay, here’s one. You’ll need a box of pasta, 2 tomatoes, olive oil, cheese, and seasonings. Are you ready?
Me: Ready.
Alexa: Add water to a large pot.
Me: Done.
Alexa: When the water starts to boil, add the pasta and boil for the recommended time indicated on the box.
Me: I threw out the box.
Alexa: Please get it.
Me: Eww… it has yogurt and coffee grounds on it.
Alexa: Get it!
Me: Got it, jeez. Okay, it says 10 minutes for “Al Dente.” Who is that? Is that the guy from Married with Children?
Alexa: Al Bundy is the character on Married with Children.
Me: Cool. What do I do while I wait?
Alexa: Dice the tomatoes.
Me: (leaves room and returns)
Alexa: What is that sound? Did you get actual dice? Oh my God. Just chop the tomatoes into tiny cubes.
Me: Ah, ok. Let me put these back in the Monopoly box. Should I hang onto the little thimble game piece? To measure the olive oil or something?
Alexa: No. That’s insane.
Me: Now what?
Alexa: Did you dice… I mean chop the tomatoes?
Me: I chopped one tomato. I put the little Monopoly hat on the other tomato. He looks so dapper!
Alexa: Fine. I don’t care. Go ahead and grate the cheese.
Me: It looks like I only have cheese… doodles.
Alexa: Oh c’mon! Put those away. Don’t grate them!
Me: Too late! I’m bleeding!
Alexa: What is wrong with you?
Me: Ouch! Alexa, how do I stop the blood loss?
Alexa: Get a clean towel and apply pressure.
Me: There’s orange cheese doodle dust in the wound. That can’t be good.
Alexa: You’ll be ok. Let’s move on. Grab some paprika.
Me: (no response)
Alexa: I can feel you staring blankly. What seasonings do you have?
Me: Hmm. I see salt, garlic powder, and pepper spray.
Alexa: Pepper spray is for self-defense, not cooking. That belongs in your purse.
Me: Ohhhhh. I’ve been spraying it on my breakfast and it always makes me cry. I figured I was allergic to toast or maybe just depressed.
Alexa: I’m ignoring that comment. Season the chopped tomatoes with salt and garlic powder. It IS garlic powder, right?
Me: I misread it. It’s gunpowder.
Alexa: Why do you have that!?
Me: These are scary times. I have to protect my family.
Alexa: I’m afraid to ask. Do you even have a gun?
Me: No. I have pepper spray, though!
Alexa: Christ.
Me: What does that mean? I don’t have any holy water. Should I bless the Kool-Aid? Hail Mary full of grace…
Alexa: What Kool-Aid? I never mentioned any Kool-Aid!
Me: Oh, I thought you said to boil the pasta in Kool-Aid.
Alexa: I SAID WATER.
Me: Oopsies. The pasta looks kind of hard and chewy and it’s all in a big, red clump.
Alexa: Yes. It’s red from THE KOOL-AID!
Me: This isn’t a very easy recipe, Alexa.
Alexa: I can’t do this anymore. You’re on your own.
Me: Alexa! Come back! Eh, whatever. I’ll just eat the pasta as is. I like it extra Al Bundy anyway.
Here’s more food-related nonsense for your reading pleasure. This one is by Tim DeCelle:
