I’m Not a Fascist, I Just Want a Sandwich

As I was standing in line at my local Subway recently, gently reminding the attendant sandwich artist that I preferred no mayo, a sharp yet subtle thought struck me. I had now been waiting for over 10 minutes, perhaps a bit too long for a supposed “fast” food restaurant. However, this Subway, like so many today, was severely understaffed, and the employees were doing their very best to serve each sandwich seeker. As I patiently waited, I wondered if there was a way to shorten the line and make the experience far more efficient.

But then my thoughts shifted. I had grander ideas. I was not just going to fix the lines at this Subway but those all across the country.

But why just stop at Subway?

I boldly wondered:

What if I could fix all lines across America?

You see, I only occasionally style myself as a big-picture kind of thinker. Big solutions for big problems isn’t something I normally go for. But when a great idea hits you, you just have to throw your hands in the air and go for it.

My idea is rudimentary, really. The easiest way to cut congested queues across this beautiful country is to eliminate the number of people waiting. And how do we do that?

Simple! Just gather all our nation’s enemies and eliminate them. Problem solved!

Now I know what you’re thinking. This seems a bit extreme, right? But the way I see it, you get to kill two birds with one stone (metaphorically speaking — I don’t believe in killing animals!). We shorten lines and purge all undesirables at the same time. Pure and simple.

“Sure, this sounds great,” I can hear you say, “But who exactly do we get rid of?”

While I may not have an exhaustive list, I’d humbly submit the following. Based on your typical pogroms and purges from centuries of history, my list reflects countless hours of research. Without further ado, the purge list:

- Most members of congress

- Candy corn manufacturers

- Clowns

- The 2022 Houston Texans

- Steve (He knows what he did)

- Ticketmaster (all of it!)

- Social Media Influencers

- Synth Pop Musicians

On top of these groups, we can’t forget your usual purge suspects: immigrants, political radicals, the well-educated, subversive artists, and your generally ugly person.

“But,” you might object, “This whole ‘purging undesirables’ thing sounds kind of a little fascist, maybe?”

Thanks for asking (and yes, you have now been added to the list). Is it fascist to want to move quickly from counter to checkout? Is it fascist to want America to lead the world in queue efficiency? Is it fascist to jail, expel, and/or execute a group of identified enemies to forge a purer, more patriotic nation?

No, dear friends, it is simply the quickest way to get a sandwich in under 10 minutes.