“Ain’t You a Man?”

Summary

The content reflects on the author's personal journey with emotions and relationships from boyhood to adulthood, shaped by societal expectations and personal growth.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal narrative about the societal injunctions against boys expressing emotions and how this shaped his interactions with girls as a pre-teen, his fascination with girls and poetry as a teenager, and his passionate but sometimes immature relationships as an adult. He recounts his evolution through various romantic relationships, each teaching him valuable lessons about himself and his shadows. The author emphasizes the importance of inner work and the balance he has found with his wife, acknowledging their differences and the mutual growth they have experienced. He concludes by affirming the value of integrating darkness into light and references additional writings that delve into his personal crucible.

Opinions

The author believes that societal norms discourage boys from expressing emotions, which can lead to challenges in communication and relationships.
He reflects on his early experiences with crushes and the emotional immaturity that sometimes accompanied his intense passions.
The author recognizes that he emotionally abused his first girlfriend due to his immaturity and has since learned to manage his intense emotions.
He values intellectual connections, as evidenced by his fascination with his second girlfriend's vast knowledge and linguistic abilities.
The author suggests that people cannot change others, only themselves, and that relationships are about personal growth and mutual healing.
He sees darkness and shadows as integral parts of personal growth and consciousness, not just as obstacles but as teachers.
The author's preference in partners is not fixed but evolves with each relationship, learning from each experience.
He emphasizes the importance of passion in his life and the balance he has achieved with his wife, who complements his passionate nature with her groundedness.

The injunction to boys about emotions

Our culture does not encourage boys to express their emotions, once adult, the man often perpetuates the situation without any inner work. Emotions are mainly allowed to girls and women : this is what our society tells in subtext messages.

As a pre-teen, we feel separated from girls and as a boy I did not know how to communicate with them. I remember I had a crush for a beautiful girl with a white transparent skin. I kept an eye on her every time I happened to cross her way.

Once I try to talk to her but she got afraid of me and she cried.

As a teenager, I was fascinated by girls. When I entered 10th Grade, we were for the first time with girls. With a male friend, our creativity exploded with poems, as we discovered André Breton and the surrealistic poets. We listened to rock music (Led Zeppelin, Beatles, King Crimson, Jimi Hendrix…). We had great fun, joking throughout the year but as the year finished, my friend was kicked out of school.

I went on writing, taking countless notes and writing many bits of stories and poems.

When I met my first real girlfriend, I was passionate about her. Her Sun in Cancer was on the exact degree of natal Moon and Ascendant. I felt swallowed by passion, sex and fire, a posteriori I realized that I abused her emotionally, I was so immature. She left me 2 years after. I learnt then to tame my shadows, my fire and my grief.

My second girlfriend was an intellectual woman, knowing Ancient Greek, Latin, English, Modern Greek, Provençal, Russian and bits of other languages, a teacher and a writer. I was fascinated by her mind and her knowledge, We mainly did not deal with our emotions, unconsciously, I think that I embodied the figure of the saviour, thinking I could warm her with my fire but we don’t really change anybody, we only change oneself.

I quit her when I met my wife as I tell in this story:

We have been growing and healing each other, discovering more at each step. She is well-grounded and I am still passionate. I can’t live without passion. I love taking risks, she needs security, I love dreams, she loves reality, we explore many ways of consciousness, balancing our personalities without giving up who we are.

I never had any prefered type of girlfriend, my real type is each time my actual partner. Each one of my girlfriends taught me a lot.

My shadows are receding as I now live in a flow, integrating my darkness in wonder so that it takes its place in Light. Darkness is a great teacher too.

As an answer to the prompt :

The score of my life: prompt

“Ain’t You a Man?”

The injunction to boys about emotions

June in LA

How my life shifted in June 1993

Soul Crucible

Groping around in a shattered universe