After “Losing” Myself 6 Times, I am Living My Childhood Dream as a Writer

Heavy load, long journey — here’s my story of embracing my writing dream.

“You must go on a long journey before you can really find out how wonderful home is.” — Tove Jansson

Some people have the desire to do something and say, “That’s just what I love to do.” For me, it was writing.

Since the age of 11, I knew I wanted to be a writer. But before we go there, let me tell you a little background.

I was born and raised in one of the most culturally diverse countries in the world; Indonesia. If you’ve never heard of it, here, we have Bali — which is the only thing most people know about this country whenever I tell them I live here.

Living here is actually quite enjoyable — if you’re rich.

And I was not rich.

Growing up in a small town with no gold or prestige, religion ruled over reason with an iron fist. Nothing seemed to make sense.

I was told I couldn’t leave the house past 6 pm. I was told I had to be a good girl who sits like a lady with closed legs and downcast eyes. There were many traditional values that I must adhere to. Once disobeyed, I‘d be damned and ignored by society. Freedom was not an option.

I couldn’t live my life like that. So I escaped through books.

I devoured novels in a day to discover new worlds within the realm of imagination. There was a famous author in my country, named Andrea Hirata, whom I spent much of my younger days reading his novels. In a novel called “Edensor,” Hirata showed me the world in another guise.

Through his written words, he showed me a glimpse of dreams, hopes, and ambitions. He gave me castles in the air about what it’s like to have freedom.

Ever since then, my life was forever changed. I was determined to become a writer. I started writing poetry, short stories, and I finished my first novel at the age of 11.

At 12 years old, I made my own blog. When all my friends were playing on the beach, sledding in the winter — just kidding, there is no winter here — or playing with other kids; I was staying in my room, alone, putting my thoughts into words on the big white digital fence.

At first, it was pure curiosity — and endearment, if you will. I never thought that being a writer (or a blogger) could make me “successful” or like it could be a promising career. What I knew was that writing was fun for me. And I wanted to be free through my writing.

But I was just a normal teenager who wanted to “have fun and play” like any other normal teen in my normal society. As I got older, I had the eagerness to explore other fields.

So at 14, I stopped writing.

Entering high school, I pursued everything I wanted in exchange for all the years I spent writing. In a chronological order; I became an artist, a graphic designer, a drummer in a band, a “futsal” player, a content marketer and a business owner.

I’ve lost myself six times before I could finally come back to writing at 23.

But regardless of whatever I did in my past, if I could cherish one moment from my younger self, it was when I scribble my thoughts and put them together on a note. It was when I commit myself to a piece of paper and just write about whatever.

It was when I write from the deepest of my heart.

I was happy. I felt whole as my true self when I write.

I don’t believe in the perpetuity of passion. But I’ve allowed myself to explore and wander in search of someone who could be myself. I was blinded and had no idea that who I wanted to be was here all along. It’s just been buried inside of me for a long time.

Maybe a little too long.

Did I abandon my passion? Did I let the spark die? Am I making the right choice to be here again now, after all this time?

Honestly, I don’t know.

But what I know now is; I want to go home. I want to have that feeling again. I need to be me again.

It’s not the ending of my writing journey that I had left behind. In fact, this is only the beginning. A new chapter of my life; with a fresh, and much better me.

Yesterday, I got the Medium bonus for the first time as a writer who made it to the top 1501–2000 tier. I never expected to be one of the top writers here as it’s only my third month on the platform.

The amount of the reward given is not much — $50 — but that is not why I’m here. I am not trying to compare myself to anyone.

I am comparing it with my old self.

The one-time bonus was not something that officially declared that I am now a skilled writer. However, this was a form of appreciation I have never received before. Last month (June), 100% of my published stories were also curated.

All of this tells me I’m actually moving forward. I don’t just write for myself anymore. I have found the sweet spot between writing about what I want and what the world needs. And that is enough for me.

I am living this moment, embracing it, and looking forward to my future self.

If I stand on my toes, I believe the odds will be in my favor. Let me throw away the script of my old life and embrace my voice as a writer — again.

Like dust, I’ll rise. Like fire, I’ll burn. Whatever it takes.

The journey only had begun. As George Elliot said:

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”