Affair Recovery: Fast Forgiveness is False Forgiveness
If it’s fast, it won’t last.
The time following Discovery Day is confusing. How are you supposed to think clearly when your world has been torn apart?
The “help” many people get in the aftermath is based on the theme of forgiveness.
- Are you going to forgive?
- How will you forgive?
- Should you forgive?
Unfortunately, no one can answer any of these for you… though they will try to.
People will have a lot of advice on what you should or shouldn’t do. (Isn’t it ironic that’s what I’m doing here?)
You don’t have to listen to any of it.
Don’t Listen To Your Gut
I normally never ever give this advice, but in the aftermath of affair discovery your gut is imbalanced.
Your nervous system is going haywire and can’t answer questions. Many decisions made during this time are looked back on with regret.
There are enough things to regret right now. Don’t add more to the list if you can help it.
Your body is swimming in a soup of hormones. Brain fog, confusion, difficulty sleeping, eating and thinking are common.
This is not the time to be making HUGE life decisions.
One of those decisions is Forgiveness.
Your Feelings Will Be Fickle For A While
One moment you want to work things out, the next you may be determined to leave.
They could run the gamut from rage -> sadness -> apathy -> back to rage.
Your brain is trying to make sense of the emotions and memories that have exploded inside of it.
You will ruminate on details regarding the affair, as well as on past experiences in your life and wonder what was happening during those times.
- Was she cheating when we went on vacation last summer?
- Did he ever love me?
- How many times did they have sex?
- He said he was on a business trip 2 weeks ago… was he?
- Am I the father of the kids?
How are you supposed to forgive when there are so many questions?
True Forgiveness Takes Time
The want to forgive instantaneously is strong!
Many people say they forgive and truly work at trying to forgive at the onset.
The problem with this is the space for grief and self-healing has been cut off. Instead, it has been replaced with the space for rebuilding and repair.
There is nothing wrong with rebuilding and repair work. BUT, it cannot happen at the expense of the grief work.
If you shut that part of you down, it will come back up later. When it comes back up it often comes up as resentment, bitterness and depression. It will come up physically and psychologically as well in the form of pain, arthritis, inflammation, leaky gut, hormone imbalances, auto-immune disorders, brain fog and codependency.
These are the results of false forgiveness. No bueno.
When you force something into a box, you have to put it somewhere. That somewhere is your nervous system. That somewhere is your body and psyche.
It is pain. You’re forcing pain into yourself and trapping it there.
It doesn’t want to stay there… because it hurts! Makes sense right? Your body does not want to store pain, so it begins screaming at you to let it out in the above ways.
You can avoid many of those things by hitting the pause on forgiveness until you have had a chance to be sad and upset about the affair discovery.
If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is a lot to take in and it hurts.
If anyone tries to force you to forgive too soon (even if that person is you), tell them to go kick rocks for a while so you can do what you need to for yourself.
Keep in mind, if you have said you forgive already, you can change your mind. That’s your right.
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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]
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