Summary

The author describes a personal journey of healing and self-discovery after ending an affair, emphasizing the emotional pain and growth experienced through storytelling on Medium.

Abstract

The article details the author's transformative experience of overcoming the emotional turmoil associated with ending a long-term affair. Despite the challenges of divorce, financial strain, and the emptiness of unfulfilled promises from an affair partner, the author found solace and strength in writing on Medium. The process of sharing her story not only aided in her recovery but also helped her to acknowledge her own role in the affair and to confront the triggers that once led her to break no-contact agreements. The author reflects on the concept of enlightenment post-affair, highlighting the necessity of facing reality, self-forgiveness, and personal accountability. She acknowledges the pain inherent in this awakening but assures that it leads to a deeper understanding of one's patterns and actions, ultimately resulting in personal growth and a serene sense of peace.

Opinions

The author believes in the therapeutic power of storytelling, crediting Medium for aiding in her healing from the affair.
She expresses that the strength to leave her husband and affair partner came from within, despite external hardships.
The author admits her own culpability in the affair, recognizing that she was not hypnotized but rather lied to herself.
She discusses the concept of triggers post-affair, noting that while they are inevitable, their power to disrupt one's recovery can be overcome.
The author emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and self-forgiveness in the healing process.
She views the pain of enlightenment after an affair as a necessary step towards understanding and breaking free from destructive patterns.
The author encourages others going through similar experiences to not shy away from the difficult process of recovery, suggesting that the clarity and peace gained are worth the struggle.

Affair Breakthroughs Coincide With Emotional Pain

“Woman near Cottonwood Pass, Sand Creek Basin, Great Sand Dunes National Preserve” by Great Sand Dunes National Park and Preserve is marked with Public Domain Mark 1.0.

“It’s not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” Sir Edmund Hillary

I have found the power of storytelling to be so transformative that I credit Medium for healing from my affair. If you had known me when I was trying to break from my affair partner, you would have seen a desperate, heartbroken woman who bordered on obsessive, destructive thoughts. In that state, I was not able to picture the day that I’d be able to walk away from such an addictive relationship.

Yet something was brewing deep inside of me that I wasn’t noticing at first. I couldn’t see the immense strength it took to divorce a husband of almost thirty years who used manipulative, abusive control. I endured months of working extra jobs while budgeting every penny. My legal fees bankrupted me. I moved three times in five years with little help. I negotiated with my lender to take a chance on my shoddy credit record so that I could buy my own condo.

During this time, I had a sort of “boyfriend” who promised to be there for me. But as I went through these massively stressful life transitions, I realized he couldn’t be there alongside me. A secret has no choice but to stay in the shadows.

I do wonder if that’s when it started.

Knowing I had no choice but to save myself, I began to peel away my affair partner’s hold on me slowly. His promises of our life together felt hollow as time passed, and the hole grew.

I hate to repeat myself because there is a wonderful supportive community here that knows my story. But I do believe that some of my journey is helpful for anyone just jumping on. So, in a quick recap, I started writing on Medium when I was so angry at my affair partner that I was surprised that I didn’t hex him daily. I believe he lied and used me. Yet, in writing my story here on Medium, I can now fully acknowledge my role in accepting the affair fantasy. My affair partner didn’t hypnotize me or use mind control. I did a fabulous job of lying and deluding myself alone.

I wrote many past articles on how I got through the long, arduous process of breaking free. All I’ll add to that is a mindset shift I recently heard on a podcast about triggers. During the two years it took me to leave my affair partner, I was often triggered. This usually contributed to my breaking of no contact. What I’ve realized is that the triggers will happen. He was a part of my life for over eight years. There is always going to be something that reminds me of him. But the difference now is that those triggers don’t demand that I find a reason or excuse to break no contact.

My recent writing has focused on the reflections coming to me as I heal. I wrote a story about remembering one important step in this process: enlightenment. As I wrote then, I feel even more strongly that if you’re going through such a fervid, blazing disruption to your life, you might as well learn from it.

However, I realized something about the term enlightenment. It can suggest that a person’s waking up is a reward or that they have found bliss. And that’s when I realized I missed an important piece here. Enlightenment after an affair will be painful.

You are entering a sort of zone where you need to clear up the distortions of fantasy — what is false and what is real. This will be rough, and you’ll require a certain level of strength to take it all in. Who really wants to face accountability? I sure didn’t. I was too busy trying to keep my head above water. Now, I had to, in a sense, chastise myself. What the fuck are you doing? However, it is here that one needs to find that self-compassion and self-forgiveness I have been writing about. My life was challenging enough. It didn’t need me to hammer myself any longer.

So, instead, I made a promise to myself to move forward with the same support I’d give a friend. I try every day to stay in a place of being centered and…well…relatively sane. However, my writing has transformed on Medium. Today, I hope my story can help someone else recover from an affair. And if that’s the case, I don’t want to sugarcoat the process.

To wake up will not be easy.

But it will humble you. Consequently, once you pass the overwhelming grief, the sky will clear, and you will finally see the patterns you have perpetuated or been hooked into. You may even see how unconscious your actions were and why they ran the show. You will then see how you can become more responsible for yourself.

Gratefully, the growing pains lessen with each step. As I wrote above, my triggers no longer control me.

It was a long hill to climb. There were times I wanted to stop and go back down. Sometimes, I felt a burning in my chest at the pure exhaustion of every step. Those of you who are currently in it know exactly what I mean. But I’m here to tell you that the view from the top is amazing. It is beautifully serene and peaceful. It took me two years to get here, but I have no regrets. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be….

…and I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

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