MEDICAL WONDERS | SATIRE

Advances in Fetal Communication Leaving Scientists Speechless

NYC baby is first to learn sign language in the womb

New York, New York — A child in New York City has come out of the womb complaining that his parents were too loud during his fetal days. He told them in sign language.

Scientists were wowed.

“We taught him to sign while he was gestating and were surprised at how much he retained,” Mrs. Hollis used ASL while she talked to us, so as not to exclude her son, Bartholomew.

After pronouncing his own Apgar score to be a perfect ten by showing all his exquisitely formed digits, Bartholomew’s first signed words were, “Can we stop all the bickering?” Then he added, “Does the milk machine come in a six-pack?”

He made finger guns while nursing.

This child has caused quite a stir in the medical community.

“We didn’t know fetuses could understand through the uterine walls and communicate,” Dr. Kahn explained. “This knowledge is going to be integral in future deliveries,” he continued. Dr. Kahn delivers four hundred babies a year and was nerding-out at his newest patient.

“I can foresee a world where unborn children determine their birth plan. Or, even, what color they would like their room to be. The opportunities are endless,” Dr. Kahn was being taught sign language in the delivery room when we left him.

Releasing his latch, Bartholomew signed with a wink, “Sew her up tight, Doc. They hit the jackpot with me.” Then his quick hands were caught stealing a stuffed animal from his two-year-old sister who buried her head in her father’s lap and cried.

When we checked back at Bartholomew’s one-month birthday, the Hollis family was running around fulfilling the tot’s every wish. His mother laughed with pride through her tears while signing, “He’s our Christmas miracle.”

So far Bartholomew wanted to get a puppy, meet Harry Potter, sit in his poopy diaper for an entire day, and see what all the fuss was about with The Walking Dead finale.

“We are running out of money, but we want our Bartholomew to have the best of everything including the full-time magician he requested,” Mrs. Hollis said.

“We have had an incredible time fulfilling all of Bartholomew’s requests,” Mrs. Hollis continued. “We suspect he can even read lips now too. Which is convenient when we are having adult conversations.” Mrs. Hollis began to cry.

The pride was all too much.

Mr. Hollis was unavailable for further comment as he and Bartholomew were headed to a Television Event via helicopter.

“Helicopter is a word we didn’t know he knew,” Mrs. Hollis told us. “I guess the sign for helicopter is similar to applesauce, but his fingers were going so fast, we had to make a call.”

This was inspired by a news story out of Witcheta, KS by reporter Christopher Robin

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