ADHD Diaries: Embracing Chaos
Chaos has been a constant companion, an unsettling yet oddly familiar presence in my life. Its dance entwined with mine, shaping, confusing, and sometimes overwhelming me, but also leading me to discover facets of myself I never knew existed.
In the beginning, I had no issue with my chaos; it was simply part of who I was. Knowing no other way, I was at one with the disarray until society began to chide me with phrases like “behave, young girl,” or “don’t do that!” It was a two-decade journey to understanding, yet in many ways, everything was still okay. So was I.
The term “hyperactive” was not frequently used around me, but I remember well the shadow of shame that trailed my impulsive actions. With a younger brother as a model of composure, I felt pressure to mirror his behavior, to adopt his faith, to rid myself of what was perceived as rudeness or nastiness.
It was only when I delved into the world of ADHD that it all clicked into place.
I wasn’t nasty; therapy taught me this as I learned self-love and acceptance. Growing up, I had to unlearn what my caregivers had wrongly taught me about myself, dismantling ingrained misconceptions.
My journey toward self-discovery was fraught with struggles, yet it led me to a place of contentment and self-confidence. I embraced the unique, vibrant woman within, not despite her idiosyncrasies, but because of them.
My life ebbed and flowed, shaping me and making me an “almost expert” on moon cycles. Writing about the chaos — a tactic to remember — led me to become a writer, and it taught me to thrive amidst life’s highs and lows.
I understood how childbirth works, and although I never experienced it myself, I held the threshold for many women on their journey to motherhood. As a doula, I learned to hold space for others. I know what it is like not getting a chance to find that “space” to be yourself.
When my 30s unfolded, a significant realization came to light. With the help of a psychiatrist, I discovered the underlying truth that had shaped my life: I had ADHD. This revelation connected the dots of my past and present.
The chaos I had felt was not imaginary; it was real. And just as I began to grasp how to live with it, I befriended it.
I’m not the best friend of chaos, but we get along pretty well these days. I’m trying to embrace it, as I have for 36 and a half years. Still learning to be fully myself, still discovering, and as this third part of my ADHD diary comes to an end, I will keep sharing my story.
With thanks to that peculiar, chaotic lady living inside me, who continues to inspire and challenge me every day.
By the way,