Abusive People Make You Pay Too Dearly for the Good Times
You have a right to a relationship that’s always good
“Why are you so focused on the negative? Why can’t you give me any credit for the good times?”
This line is a common refrain from abusive people. It’s part of their constant philosophy of deflection. They don’t want to examine their own behavior. They don’t want to admit any mistakes. They just want you to be quiet and comply with their demands.
One of the biggest implied lies of abusers is that the bad moments are necessary. They seem to perceive the hard times as the unfortunate but unavoidable sacrifice you have to make before earning your reward.
But relationships aren’t like running marathons. They aren’t like going on a diet. That’s a false equivalency. Yes, there are areas in your life where suffering is part of the equation, but even in those areas you have the option to minimize the suffering. Support groups are supposed to be there to help you get through hard times, not add to them.
The simple truth about relationships is that if both parties are committed and both parties care about each other, you don’t have to endure any bad times.
Be willing to challenge your own perceptions
“We broke up because the bad started to outweigh the good.”
That’s a common statement among people who have the courage to leave a hard relationship. But the real question everyone has to ask themselves is how much hardship should they have to endure?
The answer is none.
Your relationship shouldn’t be hard. It doesn’t matter if it is with your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your brother or your cousins or your parents.
There’s already enough “hard” in your life.
Life is hard.
Work is hard.
Society is hard.
Your relationships need to be easy.
Many of us get sucked into bad relationships and one of the results is that we put our hardship marker in the wrong place. We make the assumption that a certain amount of difficulty is “normal.”
The first thing you have to do is be willing to challenge that marker. Relationships that make you miserable aren’t worth fighting for. No matter how much work you do, or how much you sacrifice you make, those relationships will never get better.
Cut them loose. Find a relationship that makes you stronger.
There are always good times
“Remember that time when…”
It’s confusing when you recognize that there are good times even with the most abusive person in the world. Abusive people will keep a careful record of every little act of kindness so they can trot it out and use it as a weapon at a later date.
“Remember how I held you hostage in my basement for ten years and I gave you food once a day? I bet you were grateful to get that food. Those were good times.”
The problem here is that people who have suffered abuse become conditioned to equate a nonviolent moment with extreme acts of affection. Sometimes they even get to the point where they’re skeptical of a kind word because they anticipate it’s a strategy for later manipulation.
“You look nice today.”
“What does this person want from me?”
In real life, in healthy life, sometimes people just spontaneously want to say and do things to build you up and make you feel good about yourself. That’s normal. That’s the way it should be. If you don’t have that, it’s somebody else’s fault. It’s not your fault.
How much hardship is too much?
“You can’t break up with me because I was five minutes late to our date!”
Yes you can.
Evaluate the situation. Were they apologetic for arriving late? Did they recognize the transgression on your time?
That’s your time they wasted! That is five minutes of your life! They flushed it down the toilet. If flushing five minutes of your life down the toilet doesn’t cause them physical pain, then you don’t want to be around that person. They’ll flush your hours, they’ll flush your days, they’ll flush your years.
People who really care about you never arrive late. They arrive early. They get there giddy with happiness high on a cloud waiting for you to arrive. If you get there early too, then you have more time together. That’s the way it should be.
You have a right to insist on happiness
Hardship isn’t a necessary component of a relationship.
Any relationship will have good times, don’t let abusers make you pay too dearly for yours.
Don’t have relationships with people that send you emails that drop you into a funk for a week. Block them. Block their phone numbers. Designate a person to open and read letters from those people when they arrive.
Abuse is like an advertising campaign from a major corporation. There’s a constant barrage of misinformation because they know if you are allowed even five minutes of silence you might have an awakening. Abusers put you under constant pressure because they’re terrified to be alone.
The truly sad part is that if these abusers could only figure it out, they’d recognize it takes far less effort to be kind than it does to perpetuate their system of abuse.
But it’s not your job to try and convince them of that truth. People have to find truth on their own. Give yourself the opportunity to find yours. You deserve it. You have a right to a relationship that’s all good times.