SATIRE|POLITICS
Abraham Lincoln Caught With Classified Documents From Time in Office
Honest Abe’s classified documents
In recent weeks, classified documents have been found in the homes of more and more United States politicians. After Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and Mike Pence were all found in possession of secret documents from their time in office, many citizens began to wonder whether any of their politicians could even be trusted.
“At this point I’m starting to wonder how many politicians haven’t stolen secret documents,” explained concerned voter Susan Peters.
As these developments have continued to emerge, the FBI began routine searches of all United States congressmen and senators. “The results have been shocking to say the least,” explained FBI director Christopher A. Wray.
“After a thorough investigation, we found that there were only four congressmen and two senators without classified documents in their possession.”
Mitt Romney, one of the two senators found without classified documents in his home or office simply scoffed when asked about it. “Keep classified documents in my possession? And violate the sanctity of my constitution and religion? I’d sooner miss a day of church!”
Senator Bernie Sanders, too, was loathe to take home any documents labeled as classified. When asked why, Sanders explained off-prompt that, “The level of inequality in this country is absurd. The top 1% has more in…” before trailing off.
When brought up with Marjorie Taylor Greene, the lone Republican in the House of Representatives who hadn’t stolen a top secret government document, she simply asked, “What are… documents?”
After the search and seizures of each US politician turned up a whopping 14,000 classified documents, the FBI decided it needed to expand the perimeters of its search. “At this point, I felt like they were just f***ing with me, to be honest. These are classified documents no one would even want! I mean c’mon, what could Ted Cruz possibly want with Lyndon Johnson’s dog grooming schedule??” asked the annoyed FBI director. “So we decided to start searching the homes of dead politicians, too.”
“As it turns out, stealing classified documents appears to be a political tradition as old as the country itself,” Wray continued. “From George Washington to George Bush Sr, each and every president stole classified documents,” he said, putting his face to his palm in defeat. “Even Abraham Lincoln’s old office desk was found with a binder full of classified documents! Even damn honest Abe — is nothing sacred?” he asked again rhetorically.
When asked about steps moving forward, the FBI director seemed unsure. “I mean, seriously, do you just impeach every US politician?” Wray mused. “Do you have them sign a waiver? Do you make them give an oath and promise, ‘I will not steal any classified government documents, so help me God?’” Wray struggled to contain his annoyance. “Like, is it too much to ask that the people we elect, maybe, don’t steal classified United States documents? I need a drink,” Wray concluded, loosening his tie and exiting the building.
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