Are ‘Women Opportunistic by Nature,’ or Does Society Enable Them?

It’s 2023, guys. This mentality is getting old. Why not focus on the real problem?

“Madam Jessey, you never truly know the woman you married until you divorce her.”

One of my guys said this to me and I thought he was trippin’. Let’s call my guy, Jason.

Jason is a regular guy with no qualms. He’s my delivery guy. Whenever he comes around, we do chat for a while before goes about his business.

From a distance, I thought he was single. He doesn’t talk much. But was always friendly to the neighbors. Jason had come to deliver fresh vegetables, meat and other stuff I ordered from my supplier when he saw me cleaning my garage.

He offered to help and we got talking. He told me about his step mom whom he lives with, and how nice and caring she is to his children.

“Children?”

Surprisingly, Jason has four children from three different women. He’s twenty-nine years old and has been divorced three times.

He said he got married to his first ex when he was twenty. He started running his father’s business after he left college. Life was looking rosy, except he had no girlfriend.

When he met his first girlfriend, it was like love at first sight. They got married within three months of dating. They had two kids and the marriage lasted for four years.

The divorce drained his savings. His wife got away with half of his entire asset, including his car. She also got custody of the children, but he was allowed to see them on weekends and two years of alimony.

However, the emotional trauma was unbearable and he started going to therapy.

Shortly after the divorce, he met ex number two. They met each other at his therapist’s office. They were seeing the same counsellor and hit it off from there. He was in love and thought she was an angel sent to wipe his pain away.

Jason is a mama’s boy. Falling in love made him act recklessly.

He said he believed marriage was the only way he knew to prove to a woman he loved her. So he got married after dating her for six months. Then their son was born.

Everything changed when they started having money problems. She was a stay-at-home mom. Jason was paying all the bills, including the two-year alimony, and child support for his previous marriage.

Gradually, his wife relapsed. She became depressed and sometimes violent. Jason encouraged her to see a psychiatrist. She was admitted and began her treatment.

When she returned from rehab, she filed for divorce giving Jason full custody of their son. She asked for nothing in the divorce settlement only that he take care of their son and allow her to visit him anytime she wants to.

Jason agreed and they parted amicably. Financially, he was drowning in debt, but he remained mentally stable. It got to a point when he could no longer keep the family business, he sold it and got a bus which he’s using for delivery.

One would think my guy has learned his lessons by now. But no. He got involved with another girl. They started off as friends. She would come over and babysit his son while he was out on delivery. She was working at a bookstore owned by her family.

Sometimes she would buy groceries and diapers for the baby. She was a workaholic.

Aside from working at the bookstore, she was an artist. She sells art prints to magazines, local stores, and online. She was also a part-time photographer.

Jason felt he had found a helper. Although she helped relieve him of some financial burden, he wasn’t ready to get sexual with anyone. He was surprised about how understanding she was to stay friends.

But as she continued to invest in the relationship, Jason felt guilty. He liked her and thought he was hurting her by not committing to her. Jason said out of obligation he proposed to her.

“You did what?”

Yes, I’m as shocked as you.

By this time, Jason was twenty-seven years old. He was about five years older than the girl. They both got married low-key. They only invited their families and close friends.

A few weeks after their wedding, Jason found out she had a child from her previous relationship. He accidentally overheard her conversation with one of her girlfriends.

When Jason realized they weren’t compatible, it was too late. She was already pregnant with Jason’s baby number four. There were too many skeletons in her closet he didn’t know of.

His third wife was a psychopath. She would nag when he returned home late from work and when Jason cut work hours so he could be at home more often and spend time with his family, she would complain that the money he was bringing in wasn’t enough to cover their expenses.

Jason was emotionally, financially, and sometimes physically abused by his third ex-wife.

She became rude and excessively arrogant. Simple arguments escalate to yelling, screaming, and name-calling. Other times she would throw stuff at him when she was angry.

Jason said he started coming home late when he knew she was asleep. He would leave early to avoid triggering her because he felt she hated seeing him.

Why women are called opportunists.

One day, he returned home to an empty house and a divorce paper waiting on the kitchen cabinet with a note saying his son (from his second marriage) was at his parent’s house.

He wasn’t surprised about the divorce. Their marriage had hit rock bottom. They had no love for each other, no sex, or date nights. It was no fun living together and avoiding each other.

Jason moved back in with his parents. He spent thousands of dollars on attorneys to minimize the divorce settlement. His wife had lied that he was abusive and he had threatened to kill her on numerous occasions.

Jason lost the custody of the child and ended up paying both their legal fee, and other assault charges (which he didn’t commit) with his retirement funds.

Luckily, the State agreed to debit child support from his cheques which would be awarded to his son when he’s eighteen. His ex was mad when she realized she would have to raise their son by herself.

Unfortunately, Jason was dead broke after the divorce and couldn’t afford the monthly child support for his two children from the first marriage.

He talked to ex number one about giving him some time to recover financially but instead, she asked him to take custody of the children if he won’t honor their agreement. Jason had no choice but to agree.

As if life hadn’t given him enough blows. One day he got a call from the police station, ex number three had hit one of her kids from another man and social welfare was threatening to take the children away from her.

Jason was asked to take custody of his child, while the fathers of the other children took their kids. But his ex was locked up in a mental facility because she was diagnosed with BPD. She had known for some time but refused to check herself in.

Whenever I hear men say “Marriage is not worth it,” I feel sorry for them. Because I can only imagine what they had gone through or would go through if the marriage was to be resolved.

Family law is hostile towards fathers.

Over the years, I have heard many men accuse women of being opportunists because they get better deals out of divorce.

Well, before 1800, family law was prejudiced against women. Fathers were given full custody automatically once the judgement was passed.

However, the advent of ‘Feminism’ and the “MeToo’ movement criticized social views on traditional family practices and gender inequalities within family law and society led to drastic changes in the justice system.

Therefore, the tables have turned from what family laws used to be and men are on the losing end.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that men face outdated gender stereotypes when going through a divorce and despite the lengthy legal battle, the case ends in an unfair settlement.

A study on gender biases in family court states that “86% of most children live with their mother after separation. Only 7% live with their father, about 6% live under a joint custody arrangement, and the remaining (less than 1%) live under another type of custody agreement.”

The gender stereotypes which characterize men as lacking the capability to perform basic household or parenting tasks continue to threaten fairness and equality in family court.

Although more women participate in the labour market and have more earning power than men, family law remains favorable to women and men are demanded to help their spouse to transition post-divorce.

Regardless of the women being the sole breadwinners of 40% of households and earning more than their partners. Another study revealed that mothers get primary residential custody 93.4% of the time in divorces. While fathers in divorce get primary residential custody only 2.5% of the time.

One remarkable story that spelt out gender biases in family court was about a divorced dad who was denied custody after his ex-wife kidnapped their child and absconded to South Africa with her lover.

About a year after she returned, the father sought custody of the child but was blatantly shocked by lawyers and judges that the abduction would not be accepted in the court as a basis to determine custody.

Another father broke down in tears when his case was dismissed in court and accused of driving a wedge between mother and child when he filed a case against his ex-wife for subjecting their son to second-degree smoking. The child was asthmatic and was in the backseat when his mother and boyfriend were smoking.

The inhaled smoke triggered the child’s asthma attack. When the father presented a picture of his ex and her lover smoking in the car with the boy in the backseat, and medical evidence proving the mother’s action deteriorated the child’s health, the judge refuted his claims and even ordered the man to pay a fee for defamation of character.

Family law claims to protect the children after the divorce but in reality, they don’t address what’s in the best interest of the children.

For a father to maintain his relationship with the children after divorce, he has to be a ‘super dad.’ He has to prove to the court that he’s an exceptional dad who is keen on his children’s needs.

For example, he needs to know each child’s shoe size, and their favorite sports, that he bakes cookies with his kids and that he’s a great chef. He needs to prove that he actively participates in keeping the house clean and that his children have a strong relationship with him.

If the father cannot prove that he is beyond the average father, he will automatically lose the custody battle or any legal charges against him simply because he is a ‘man.’

We need to restructure our judiciary system and weed out any biases prejudices, or ill-conceived presumptions about what “men” can do or cannot do when executing judgments on family issues.

And while we are speaking of fairness, that includes women who are left impoverished by their wealthy spouse who pays inadequate amounts on child support and alimony because their pricey lawyer manipulated the court system in their favour.

Everyone deserves justice, fairness and equity irrespective of gender. Family laws should determine custody based on who’s the better parent for the child instead of favoring only mothers.

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