A Very Chill Guide To Your Upcoming Vasectomy

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op you off in the family minivan. Go inside and slide your envelope of cash to the receptionist. Sit in the waiting room until the nurse calls you in. Be cool.</li><li>The nurse will bring you into exam room 3, the room designated for vasectomy patients who pay in cash. She will tell you to undress and that Dr. Graves will be in shortly to perform the simple and very chill procedure. She’ll leave, closing the door behind her.</li><li>ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP BUDDY: your very manhood is at stake. You’re really going to let a stranger cut off your penis? Or however we said it works? That’s a HARD NO. Get yourself out of there. Fortunately, Dr. Don Graves is a man of his Hippocratic Oath, and he’s here to help.</li><li>On the wall of exam room 3, you’ll see a poster for the classic 1993 coming of age film Free Willy. Carefully remove the poster from the wall and find a tunnel. If ever your penis needed redemption, this is it. Get in and start crawling. This tunnel is your vas deferens to freedom.</li><li>Before long, you’ll reach the end of the tunnel and find yourself in the alley behind the office building, right next to the dumpster. Reach into the dumpster and feel along the inner ridge. You should find a manila envelope taped to the side.</li><li>Inside the envelope is two thousand pesos, a standard beanie-and-sunglasses disguise, and your new identity: driver’s license, passport, birth certificate, and social security number. Memorize this information. It’s crucial that you assimilate into your new identity as seamlessly as possible. You slip, you get snipped.</li><li>You might be considering your family at this point. Is it wrong to leave behind your beloved wife and the two beautiful children you intentio

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nally brought into this world? Maybe. Is it wrong to cut a man’s penis off? DEFINITELY. Put on the shades and the beanie (sorry, the store only had flesh-colored) and hitch a ride to the airport.</li><li>At the airport, proceed to Gate D. Your flight to Guadalajara is about to leave. Follow the mass of people swimming through the terminal so you can get on the plane and escape your fate.</li><li>Oh no. The terminal is closed. There’s something blocking it. It seems a small fire has essentially cauterized the passage. An announcement declares that all terminal D flights are canceled. Nobody can pass through. Quick, new plan! Stay cool, this is all very chill. You can drive to Mexico!</li><li>Run as fast as you can back through the airport to the rental car service. Using your new identity, rent a car — something reliable enough to penetrate the border. As you go to take the keys from the clerk, someone taps you on the shoulder.</li><li>It’s your wife.</li><li>Game over, my dude.</li><li>Sit shamefully in the passenger seat while your wife drives you home. Take her yelling and accusations like a man. I mean, you were trying to escape to Mexico under a new identity. You can kind of see why she’s a little testy about it. And to think you would have gotten away with it if she hadn’t realized that Don Graves is an anagram for “Dong Saver.”</li><li>Make an appointment with a real urologist.</li><li>Go to your scheduled appointment and get your vasectomy. The procedure will take twenty minutes. You may experience some soreness for a couple days. Apply ice as needed.</li></ol><a href="https://readmedium.com/a3f57d7eeede">Read More Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge Winners.</a></article></body>

A Very Chill Guide To Your Upcoming Vasectomy

So you’ve decided to put an end to your seed. Congratulations! A vasectomy is the perfect family planning solution to thwart any unwanted procreation.

Luckily, getting snipped is no big deal, so you can remain very calm and VERY chill about it. During the procedure, the doctor will apply a local anesthetic by stabbing you with a syringe on either side of your ballsack. It’s VERY chill. After a moment, your undercarriage will be numb, so you won’t even feel it when he slices your testicles open, snips your vas deferens, cauterizes it, and stitches you back up. Then he’ll do it all over again on the other side. Voila! You’re sterile and it was totally no big deal.

Follow these guidelines to ensure your procedure goes swimmingly:

Your junk deserves the best of the best, and for that reason, I insist you take your business to lauded urologist Dr. Don Graves. Dr. Graves only accepts cash, so you’ll need $500 in unmarked bills.

On the morning of your appointment, say goodbye to your wife and kids when they drop you off in the family minivan. Go inside and slide your envelope of cash to the receptionist. Sit in the waiting room until the nurse calls you in. Be cool.

The nurse will bring you into exam room 3, the room designated for vasectomy patients who pay in cash. She will tell you to undress and that Dr. Graves will be in shortly to perform the simple and very chill procedure. She’ll leave, closing the door behind her.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP BUDDY: your very manhood is at stake. You’re really going to let a stranger cut off your penis? Or however we said it works? That’s a HARD NO. Get yourself out of there. Fortunately, Dr. Don Graves is a man of his Hippocratic Oath, and he’s here to help.

On the wall of exam room 3, you’ll see a poster for the classic 1993 coming of age film Free Willy. Carefully remove the poster from the wall and find a tunnel. If ever your penis needed redemption, this is it. Get in and start crawling. This tunnel is your vas deferens to freedom.

Before long, you’ll reach the end of the tunnel and find yourself in the alley behind the office building, right next to the dumpster. Reach into the dumpster and feel along the inner ridge. You should find a manila envelope taped to the side.

Inside the envelope is two thousand pesos, a standard beanie-and-sunglasses disguise, and your new identity: driver’s license, passport, birth certificate, and social security number. Memorize this information. It’s crucial that you assimilate into your new identity as seamlessly as possible. You slip, you get snipped.

You might be considering your family at this point. Is it wrong to leave behind your beloved wife and the two beautiful children you intentionally brought into this world? Maybe. Is it wrong to cut a man’s penis off? DEFINITELY. Put on the shades and the beanie (sorry, the store only had flesh-colored) and hitch a ride to the airport.

At the airport, proceed to Gate D. Your flight to Guadalajara is about to leave. Follow the mass of people swimming through the terminal so you can get on the plane and escape your fate.

Oh no. The terminal is closed. There’s something blocking it. It seems a small fire has essentially cauterized the passage. An announcement declares that all terminal D flights are canceled. Nobody can pass through. Quick, new plan! Stay cool, this is all very chill. You can drive to Mexico!

Run as fast as you can back through the airport to the rental car service. Using your new identity, rent a car — something reliable enough to penetrate the border. As you go to take the keys from the clerk, someone taps you on the shoulder.

It’s your wife.

Game over, my dude.

Sit shamefully in the passenger seat while your wife drives you home. Take her yelling and accusations like a man. I mean, you were trying to escape to Mexico under a new identity. You can kind of see why she’s a little testy about it. And to think you would have gotten away with it if she hadn’t realized that Don Graves is an anagram for “Dong Saver.”

Make an appointment with a real urologist.

Go to your scheduled appointment and get your vasectomy. The procedure will take twenty minutes. You may experience some soreness for a couple days. Apply ice as needed.