A True Narcissist Lacks Empathy

Unfortunately, I can tell you what that looks like

I’m walking through our townhouse calling my husband’s name. I search every crevice of the three-story structure. Nothing. He’s gone.

It’s the pre-cell phone era, I have no way to reach him.

Hours later he walks through the door.

“Where were you?” I ask.

“I had some things to do,” he says.

“But you left without saying goodbye,” I say. “Who does that?!”

He is completely confused by my questioning. He relegates this to overreacting Colleen. This is normal to him.

“Do you know why people tell each other goodbye?” I ask. “It’s not just a courtesy. It’s so people don’t worry. I tell you when I leave in case you come looking for me. In case you need something.”

This is a tiny tale lacking empathy.

A precursor to the bigger picture that would later get my attention.

Like when his eighty-four-year-old mother was in a hospital and he refused to visit. For an entire month, I would encourage him to go. His family tried to persuade him. But he couldn’t be moved to emotional understanding.

“My mother lives three states away,” he would say.

Not long after, his college buddy invites him to a party, and out the door, he goes. You guessed it, three states away. A party was worth the trip. He never did go to visit his mom.

Most people would instinctively be drawn home. At the very least, motivated by the fear she might not make it. But again, he lacked the ability to feel her pain or his family’s worry.

Yet he could fool you, as narcissists often do.

With charming catchphrases.

My husband would commonly say, “Oh, that’s too bad,” “Are they okay?” “What a shame,” “I’m sorry to hear that.”

But these were words not feelings.

And we must not confuse empathy with sympathy.

Merriam-Webster dictionary describes it this way, “In general, ‘sympathy’ is when you share the feelings of another; ‘empathy’ is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them.”

Therefore, empathy is feeling the pain of an individual even without experiencing it. You can step into the mythological shoes of another and imagine their suffering.

A better way to explain would be by example.

A narcissist might lose a job or a parent and encounter someone who has experienced these same things. Or they might discover a different type of commonality.

The narcissist will relate to it because it involves their own world.

They still aren’t able to empathize by placing themselves in the emotion and reality of the person. However, they might appear to have sympathy or demonstrate it because it also happened to them.

When my boys were young, an event brought tears to my husband’s eyes. Typically he had no ability to feel their pain. If they didn’t make a sports team, got left out of something or their hearts were broken, he was unphased.

But this particular time, he could demonstrate emotion.

Because he had experienced the same childhood disappointment.

A lack of empathy is unmistakable to one who has endured the confusion and brutality.

The best way to describe would be unnatural.

Because it is.

It’s disturbing to be incapable of feeling the hurt of another human being. And periodically, when a narcissist does appear to have this ability, it’s again, only because their own lives are at the center of it.

A tear isn’t shed for another, it’s lost to something in their own world.

This is just another aspect of the narcissistic illusion and confusion.

It makes the disorder more troubling. A true narcissist lacks the capacity to understand or sense what another is experiencing — good, bad, or ugly.

Lots of people can appear unempathetic during an argument.

And others can lack empathy for particular things.

A narcissist is completely different.

They are inhuman across the board. I have many examples, too many to mention but here are a few:

He refused to go to the hospital when our baby had his first ear surgery.

He refused our son getting emergency medical treatment.

He stayed at work when my children and I were in a car accident.

He wouldn’t take me to surgery or show up with a history of blood clots.

What’s indicative of the severe lack of empathy is the inability to worry.

Not even in the slightest.

How did the procedure go? How did they get home? Nothing. No normal emotion.

When our thirteen-year-old golden retriever was put to sleep, he didn’t cry, his eyes didn’t even well. A stranger could see a dog being put to sleep and have difficulty containing the emotion.

When we were in marriage counseling we each had to take a test.

The psychologist told my husband he lacked empathy.

“Why do I care if some dog falls through the ice on the evening news,” he says. “Or some guy I don’t know loses his job?”

Hence, why Narcissistic personality disorder is rarely, if ever treatable.

They don’t get it.

My husband never heard me.

I just became accustomed to him leaving without saying goodbye.

Unless I was lucky enough to be in his close proximity.

It was his world, I was just making it go round.

• *Let me know if you have examples of a narcissist lacking empathy.
• And if you relate to this piece, I give other examples in “3 Words I Repeatedly Said to a Narcissist,” that I just published.