What Pushes a Narcissist Out of Hiding?

Why only a few see the Jekyll and Hyde

It’s crazy to think you can date someone for nearly six years and never see another side of them. But that’s exactly what happened to me. Once married, it was obvious my husband was two people. I just couldn’t figure out why.

What could make an otherwise handsome chunk of charming so cruel?

And why was it so random and unpredictable?

I had yet to learn of narcissism, let alone covert narcissism.

A brand of the disorder that can make detection even more difficult. I could go months with no sightings of the imposter. It was life as usual with my college bestie. He wasn’t just a good guy, he was the best guy. Happy, funny, and seemingly sweet.

Did I mention easygoing and laid back? There were times I needed to check him for a pulse. But that was before I learned the term passive-aggressive and how it paired nicely with covert narcissism.

I recently asked my marriage counselor what exposes a narcissist?

What pushes them out of hiding?

Not just their characteristics, but the emotionally barren side. The alter ego. The one only a few are privy to. Lucky us. I wanted to know what snaps the narcissistic trigger even when we still reside in their world. Long before we leave or ‘wound’ them in their eyes.

“I think the most telling signs are when the narcissist gets angry,” he said. “And their defenses are down and the meanness comes out.”

Anger is what exposes the narcissist.

It pushes them out of hiding and makes the cruelty obvious.

Instead of lurking below their absent emotional surface.

Finally, an answer to one of my greatest grievances. It’s a shared frustration among anyone who has loved a narcissist. Why the entire world can’t see what we see. And only sees the charmer.

To deeply upset a narcissist, you have to truly exist in and impact their world.

The inner workings of their world. Not the fringe aspects.

In order to ignite the rage and not just a bit of anger. The oblivious waiter, the long coffee line, the traffic, these things may aggravate the narcissist and be more obvious with the overt rather than covert narcissist.

But it’s momentary.

The narcissist’s world is temporarily disrupted not interrupted.

Looking back, my husband’s innermost world had few obstacles. Further minimizing the chances of anyone seeing his cruel counterpart. He was self-employed which supported a grandiose, no one will mess with me — life. He not only came and went as he pleased at home but at work.

His family put little to no demands on him.

His internal narcissistic triggers were devoted to me. And the occasional customer who messed with his universe. No one else collided with his personal space or being.

I knew I made my husband angry by leaving him.

But that didn’t quite explain the narcissist I lived with, aka, the happy one.

I understood the one I divorced. I made him mad by freeing myself. I insulted the narcissist and his ego. This makes the narcissist retaliate and punish anyone they believe wronged them. It amps up their need for control and their desire to win.

It’s anger on steroids.

And one of the reasons, in divorce, a few more outside their world may finally realize who the narcissist is. Because their defenses come down even further.

The irony is, to really provoke a narcissist you have to attach yourself to one.

When in actuality they are incapable of connection which insulates them from being detected.