How to Use Perfectionism to Hack Your Habits
Having an all-or-nothing mindset has its perks.
“We don’t rise to the level of goals but fall to level of habits.” — James Clear
Are you having trouble forming good habits or getting rid of bad ones?
Do you have the best intentions in the world to get up early, write first thing in the morning, stop procrastination, or just be a better human?
I’ve been there. Growing up in a family of over-achievers and perfectionists, I’ve been obsessed with personal development since I was in my teens. I wanted to learn everything about goal setting, time management, productivity, and more.
And when I came across habits, I was hooked. Truth be told, I’ve been obsessed with habits ever since I learned that they are an incredibly efficient way of doing things. It turns out that our brain is lazy, and it hardwires everything we repeatedly do into habits so we don’t have to reinvent the wheel every single time.
That sounds pretty sweet, right? Yes and no. It’s great if what you repeatedly do is good for you, but not so great if it isn’t. What’s more, it’s not always easy to form good habits as well as breaking bad ones.
It takes a great deal of willpower and self-discipline until the new behaviour is hardwired into our brain and becomes a new habit (or for an the old one to be replaced).
Willpower or Mindset?
And contrary to popular belief, it takes more than 21 days to form a habit. In fact, it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit, and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic.
If you’re a perfectionist or a recovering one — an I suspect most of us are — here’s the good news: instead of relying on our willpower or self-discipline alone, I’ve discovered that being a perfectionist can actually help us with habits.
How? We can turn some of the more harmful traits of perfectionism to our advantage by working with them in a strategic way.
In particular, our black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindset makes us what one of my favourite authors Gretchen Ruben calls “abstainers”. As the name suggests, it’s far easier for us to abstain from something altogether than to indulge it moderately.
On the other hand, “moderators” do better when they avoid absolutes and strict rules. In fact, absolutes and strict rules make moderators nervous and want to rebel against those rules.
Abstainers vs. Moderators
If you’re wondering whether you’re an abstainer or a moderator, here’s a quick guide:
You’re an abstainer if you…
- have trouble stopping something once you’ve started. (Chocolate, anyone?)
- are comfortable with strict rules and aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits. For example, no chocolate except on weekends!
You’re a moderator if you…
- find that occasional indulgence strengthens your resolve. For example, a small piece of chocolate every day actually helps you ease your craving.
- get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something. (No chocolate until the weekend? Are you trying to kill me?)
What does this all mean? While moderators need to make changes in a more moderate and gradual way, abstainers (who are mostly likely to be perfectionists) can get away with more drastic changes as long as there are clear rules in place.
By the way, you can be an abstainer in some areas of your life and a moderator in others. For example, I’m very much a moderator when it comes to my health and my money. But when it comes to writing and work, I’m an abstainer to a fault.
Breaking Bad Habits Overnight
The all-or-nothing mindset is great for breaking bad habits. While non-perfectionists and moderators may struggle with going cold turkey on a bad habit, and need a more gradual approach or greater external support, perfectionists and abstainers can turn the switch off overnight even in an unsupportive environment.
It may sound weird, but for perfectionists and abstainers, it requires little or no self-control if we never do something; it requires enormous self-control if we do something sometimes.
For example, I went cold turkey on eating meat and became a vegetarian overnight while at university. At the time, my family and friends were 99% meat-eaters (though some of them have since joined me from the dark side).
The change was so drastic that I even forgot about it myself. A couple of weeks into my new vegetarian lifestyle, I went out for lunch with an old friend. I accidentally ordered my favourite meat dish and didn’t realise it until I got home. Oops! I did wonder why the lunch tasted particularly delicious…
The same thing happened when I was near the end of my master’s degree and decided to quit drinking. Most of my friends were still drinking and partying hard, so I wasn’t in a supportive environment and it was all up to me to make the switch.
I went cold turkey again and ended up drinking water or juices whenever I went out with my friends. It didn’t bother me at first (after all, I got really hydrated and had lots of Vitamin C). Eventually, however, I figured out that I needed to start making some non-drinking friends so I didn’t have to feel like a freak all the time.
Kicking Ass with Good Habits
Similarly, good habits can come relatively easily to perfectionists and abstainers too thanks to the same absolutist mindset. This is particularly helpful if you want to commit to things that you know are good for you but may not be entirely pleasant, such as exercising, healthy eating, or other good but “boring” long-term habits.
The trick is to decide on clear rules ahead of time so you don’t have to think in the moment when you might be tempted to delay or to quit. In other words, it leaves you with no wiggle room.
As long as you have clarity in advance of how you’re going to carry your new habit out and don’t just leave it up to chance, you can stick to a regular daily or weekly schedule of good habits fairly easily and quickly.
When it’s comes to writing, an example of a clear rule can be as simple as writing every day for 10 minutes first thing in the morning.
Write Daily, Not Three Times a Week
By the way, if you’re trying to form a writing habit, it’s actually easier to write daily than to write, say, three times a week.
Why? Writing daily is a very clear and simple rule with little wiggle room. At the end of each day, you can tell whether you’ve written or not. It’s either an “yes” or a “no”, not a “maybe”.
Writing three times a week? Not so much. If you miss a day, you can convince yourself that you’ll write tomorrow. So that’s a “maybe”.
And, we all know what happens with tomorrow, right? Tomorrow turns into the next day, and the next, and before you know it, it’s the end of the week and you’ve only written once!
No Clear Rules, No Habit
Sometimes I forget to set clear and specific rules for myself ahead of time, and the habit doesn’t stick. Like the time I tried to start a weekly jogging habit.
I knew I wanted to jog twice a week, but I was unsure about which days of the week. It also didn’t help that I didn’t have a set time, so I was jogging early in the morning one day and then in the late afternoon the next time.
In short, there was plenty of room for me to wiggle out of my commitment, and it was no surprise that the new habit fell apart in a few weeks.
Working with Your Nature, Not Against It
By turning the all-or-nothing mindset of perfectionism to our advantage, we can break bad habits or form good habits more easily through abstaining rather than moderation.
However, even though as perfectionists we are more capable of making drastic changes in our life than the non-perfectionists, our willpower isn’t limitless. So, don’t try to be “perfect” and take on too many habits at once if you want to make them stick for the long haul.
Another danger to watch out for is that we can get discouraged easily and give up all together when we miss a day or two and break our “perfect” streak. The all-or-nothing mindset is a double edged sword! So, having a plan B or a support group to encourage you to stay on track when things get tough can be extremely helpful.
By working with your nature — and avoiding the potential pitfalls — you’d be able use your perfectionism to change your habits and achieve your goals and dreams faster and with more ease.
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Annie is an ICF-certified life coach and the author of Brave Again.