A Stranger in My Country of Birth

A return I did not expect

Thailand is a Southeast Asia Country, famous for its tranquil beaches; full moon parties; food; culture, and many more. Thais are known as friendly and smiley people, always welcoming and kind.

Thailand is filled with an abundance of beautiful islands and beaches, you’ll never run out of things to do and see. The country is connected to Myanmar, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Malaysia, making it easily accessible by land to these countries.

To me Thailand is my Birth Country, it is after all where I was born prior to my move to England when I was around the age of 8 years old. I learnt to read and write Thai, needless to say, I am verbally fluent in the language.

Growing up in England, my mother tried her best to balance both Thai and Brtish Culture. Focusing mainly on teaching me English and easing me into the new environment.

Thai Culture has somewhat been ingrained in my mindset by the age I had left Thailand. Every year our family would return to visit extended families and to maintain my Thai heritage. Every year I would look forward to this trip.

During my second year studying at university, the thought of spending a year in Thailand dawned on me. I felt I needed to get in touch with my true self and spending a year in my country of birth was a way to do it.

So after I graduated, I returned to my country of origin, I spent my first month studying and securing a TEFL certificate on Koh Samui. I then got a job in Phuket and worked at an International Kindergarten.

It felt amazing being back, reigniting my Thai skills. Yes, I am fluent in Thai, but rarely do I ever use it unless I’m in Thailand. When communicating with my mum (who’s Thai), English is our best language to converse with.

Having spent a year in a place I once called home for about 8 years I realised many aspects of me being a Thai is missing.

My Body Disagreed with My Choice

I spent most of my childhood, adolescence and adulthood in England. So my body had obviously climatised to the English weather.

When I returned to Thailand, I did not expect my body to retaliate against my choice. The heat and climate have taken their toll on my body. Being thrust into the heat meant that my body couldn’t adapt to the changes fast enough.

My body like everyone’s started to sweat to cool me down and I did get a really bad heat rash. My sweat then started to bleach my skin and turning areas behind my ears, back and between my breasts white. For any Thais, having white skin is a good thing, but this was not a good sign for me.

This message being sent by my body really did surprise me, because I was born in Thai and I would return every year. So why was it reacting this way? I went to the dermatologist, I was informed it was indeed my body trying to acclimatize to this weather, I was given a special cream and soap to use every day.

It actually didn’t go away until I went to Japan, so I’m not sure if it was medicine doing its job or the cooler weather or the combination.

Reading and Writing

My reading and writing skills are at the elementary level or maybe even lower.

I am quite embarrassed to admit that I can’t read or write Thai, to another Thai. There is a lot of pride in being a Thai citizen, being able to read and write your mother tongue is one of them.

On a few occasions during my year in Thailand, I would have to sign my name or be required to read something, and I just couldn’t do it. I would try and struggle so much that I would eventually just ask for an English version, or opt for an English version before even glancing at the Thai one.

My reading has gotten better than when I first arrived, I’m now able to read and recognize most sight words. My writing is still of an 8-year old, but this is also one of the skills I’m least concerned about.

Difficulties with Expressing Myself in my Mother Tongue

English is my native language, while Thai is my mother tongue. Thai was the first language I knew and learnt as a baby, but now I can’t even express myself using my mother tongue.

The moment I left Thailand, I hardly ever spoke Thai and my main language became English. The strange thing is I couldn’t even produce a simple sentence in English back then and now it’s the only language I’m able to fully express myself in.

While I was in Phuket there were a few situations where I felt so stupid for not being able to form a proper sentence or fully convey my opinion across in Thai, because I just couldn’t find the words.

In Thai, there’s a slang word that means you are being pretentious, fake or pretending that you are incapable of doing something. The word is dat charit ‘ดัดจริต’. This word was used on me a few times, I was honestly hurt by this. It may have not been intended to do so, but when you are truly trying so hard. It really hit home.

An Outsider in my Own Country

In England, I never felt like I fit in, so naturally, I thought returning to my country of birth would feel like home and I would feel a sense of belonging.

I worked at an international kindergarten where I was made to feel like I’m an outcast and I didn’t belong by an older member of staff. As a Thai, from a very young age, we have been taught to respect our elders and when an elder makes a point they are correct, and as someone who is younger, it is frown upon to disagree.

Of course, I was then led to feel like I’m an outsider for the whole time at this school, even though I am as much of a Thai as they are.

There were other times when I spoke Thai and was complimented by others and asked how my Thai was so good. I replied ‘I’m Thai’. Which opened into ‘Oh really? but you don’t look Thai’, ‘You’re really Thai? You don’t look it’. Like what can you say to that? I just laughed it off and reassure them that we are the same!

Final Thought

I learnt a lot during my year in Phuket and it is somewhere I could see myself retiring in the future, even though I had a challenging year with discovering myself.

Thailand is and will always be deep in my heart. I will need to re-learn the culture and traditions again. I will need to brush up on my language skills. There is a lot I need to do when I return.

But hey, I’m up for the new adventure!

Be Open Says;

Thank you