Let Me Read Your Story
A Show of Force in Emotional Writing
Feedback on: “My Story: How I learned German and Got Into College For Free”
In these articles, feedback is provided on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.
Today’s story is from somewhat of a cosmopolitan and polyglot (Giovanni Zúñiga), who describes a lifelong dream of learning and traveling coming true. What I really like about this story is how it very clearly shows the difference it can make when you inject some emotion into your writing. Read on, and you’ll see what I mean!
The first thing that greets any reader is obviously the title of the story. The title here is succinct and tells you what to expect. Also, the “get into college for free” might act as a bit of clickbait for those young enough to still be considering their path forward. Nice touch
The reader quickly realizes that there is a certain cadence or rhythm to the format of the story. The entire thing is broken up into small chunks, each with an evocative header. I love this way of slicing up what could otherwise easily feel long and drawn out. Each section could have been a little longer and Giovanni tests the limits of headers-to-content-ratio. But I feel it works and is only slightly distracting from the story itself. It helps immensely that many of the headers are intriguing and makes you want to read on.
Tip 1: Ensure you slice and dice your story so that it is easily digested by the reader. Find a good balance without overdoing the number of headers. And ensure each header is descriptive and appropriate while still enticing the reader to read on.
The story is built very much around the chronological order of what really happened. While this is a safe and easy way for any author to relate events, much can be added to a story by jumping a little in the timeline.
As an example, the first couple of sections are borderline boring, mostly because you don’t know where this is heading. It seems like irrelevant listing of events with no emotion or importance attached. The story could have benefitted from more effort at framing the story first. What are you going to tell us? Why should we care?
Tip 2: A headline alone is seldom enough to frame a story. If you want to reader to persist through sections that might not be super interesting on their own but necessary for you to make a broader point, make sure to build up interest in advance.
I would add that there are too many irrelevant details for my taste, and I believe the first half of the story or so could have been reduced immensely without losing too much of the point. It might even have made a stronger point if written with a clear focus on either the length of the period this young man fought to slowly move towards his dream, or how long he had (on and off) had this particular dream and goal in mind. Instead, the reader is left wondering what the point is.
But then…
After somewhat of a dreary first half, Giovanni suddenly shifts gears! Not only is a photo included, waking the reader up with some color and visual stimulation, but the language itself becomes more colorful!
Make Plans to Make Covid Laugh — Giovanni Zúñiga
With those six words alone, Giovanni places us firmly in a specific time, pulling us all back to how most have likely felt during that period, and also let’s us know that the story is about to tack a few unexpected turns. I love it!
Finally, we see small language flairs such as “I expected a bit of inefficiency from the Mexican government, but what followed was far more than that”, again eluding to the fact that something unexpected will happen, as well as the very visceral “…the slowest year of our lives dragged by…”.
In the next couple of sections (“Acceptance Letter” and onwards), Giovanni manages to build up the intensity of the story and I felt myself going from disinterested to fully engaged and tensely consuming the story.
The debacle with the post office had me at once both infuriated and giggling. This scene with the woman working in the postal office is a very sudden shift from an almost neutral listing of event over long time to a very zoomed in view of a particular situation, complete with dialogue and descriptions of Giovannis body language. This is when I was caught, hook, line, and sinker.
Tip 3: Nothing(!) engages the reader as much as detailed descriptions of particularly important situations. The full account including body language and emotional states is what resonates with your fellow human beings. Used sparingly (to reduce story length) it can be very effective!
Shortly thereafter, Giovanni again dangles the sword of Damocles with the sentence “Something had to happen, just like something almost happened to my visa”.
Again there’s a close-up of the dialogue with the immigration officer, which had me on the edge of my seat. Why was I suddenly so engaged and tense? This story had me bored and disinterested in the beginning and suddenly I feel like I’m reading a proper novel. I realized that all the “boring stuff” in the beginning had served to paint a picture of everything leading up to this point in time. The pivotal situation that could make or break this young man’s dreams. This is what it was all about.
Notice the enormous shift in my engagement. This came from the simple fact that the author shifted from a neutral, almost clinical, listing of events, to a rich, emotional, and descriptive language. Suddenly you see phrases like “…slid my shaking hands through the protective glass”, and “I stood there, and I just stood there — not daring to think”.
This is a case study, as clear as any, in the effect of emotional writing. My engagement in the story went from 0 to 100 in a matter of a few paragraphs.
Including the last section after passing the immigration officer was a risk. It risked losing the intense feeling of the last brilliant section. However, I feel it paid off. The last section, with the poetic title “Nothing, then Nothing, and Finally Something”, manages to carry the reader through the states of insecurity, reluctance, and finally relief. It let’s the reader breath again and feel a fraction of that dreamlike state that the author describes. This is the scene with the action hero and his girl standing amongst blinking police cars and ambulances after taking down the bad guys. Not strictly needed, but leaves that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach.
Summary
Title
The title is succinct and interesting enough to warrant a read. However the part about explicitly learning German seems a bit too precise and a little strange. It could have sufficed to say a foreign language, to avoid seeming like it’s important that it was specifically German.
Pictures
This is not a story that lends itself particularly well to pictures, so the near complete lack of pictures feels natural. The fact that a picture of the author himself (in the place he strives to go, no less) is included, brings some realism to the story and makes it more relatable. Great job!
Formatting
The formatting tests the limits of how short sections can be, but manages to stay just shy of becoming annoying. In general it is good practice to make short segments, and this is done well with some interesting headlines that make you want to read on.
Grammar
No interesting comments here. All is well.
Language
The first half could have used a lot more love and care. This amounts to a disinterested listing of events that would eventually lead to the pivotal moments later on in the story; the payoff for persisting through the story.
In great contrast, the latter half of the story is well written, with evocative descriptions that take the reading on an emotional rollercoaster. Very well done indeed. Some improvement is possible in consistency, lifting baseline to improve the entire piece.
Cohesion and Cadence
While the strictly chronological structure of the story ensures cohesion, the cadence is a little off. This is simply because the natural order of events placed all the “excitement” near the end of the timeline included in the story. Some restructuring of the timeline (think of how they do it in Hollywood) could have gone a long way in improving cadence and increase intensity slightly throughout the story. You want small peaks to keep the reader engaged and reading on for the final large peak that you are building up to.
For more writing tips, read:
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