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Abstract

dark and windy day, Sarah left home never to be seen again.</p><p id="143b">This seems to suggest that whoever Sarah is, she seems to be gone for good. This type of revealing the ending from the outset can be a great writing ploy, to make the reader interested in what happened or how we are going to get to that point in the story. However, this is a trick in this case. (Spoiler Alert!) Sarah is actually found again, and not too long after vanishing. This leaves a strange feeling for the reader when reaching the end of the story.</p><blockquote id="7af0"><p>Tip 2: If using the ploy of revealing the destination before describing the journey, make sure that you do not describe something that does not end up happening. This can create a strange dissonance in the mind of the reader.</p></blockquote><p id="7cad">The description of the chew toy as always being moist from Sarah’s biting is great and will sound very familiar to any dog owner. I can almost feel the sensation of picking up my old dog’s toy after a good chewing. Furthermore, it is a subtle way of revealing that Sarah is (likely!) a dog. At least, if the story ended up revealing that Sarah was not a dog, that would be a big surprise twist!</p><p id="17f2">Also, the description of the car as it leaves is really good:</p><p id="7940" type="7">The car rumbled like a washing machine as it pulled out of the driveway</p><p id="f103">This evokes images of both the sounds it likely made and rickety vibrating movements. Great job.</p><p id="115c">The reaction of the mother, to losing her dog, is well described, but we don’t get to hear much about how Sam reacts. This would have been a great addition. The emotional side is lacking a little. However the actions are detailed and there are small things added, such as that Sam needs to return to make more posters. This is not moving the story but added to provide more depth and realism. These small details that are not necessary to the story are what many people might forget to add, which would leave their stories quite shallow. It’s nice to see these in a fictional story, and you could easily have added even a bit more. I love the sentence about the “delinquents” that are calling because they have nothing better to do. That had me chuckling.</p><h1 id="3c85">Summary</h1><h2 id="9c7c">Formatting</h2><p id="91f3">For a fictional short story, formatting becomes less of an issue. So no real comments here.</p><h2 id="148b">Pictures</h2><p id="9a67">The featured image seems great for setting the scene at first glance, but the mismatch with the type of residences described in the text leaves the reader a little confused. Some room for improvement, but definitely not bad!</p><h2 id="5dfd">Grammar</h2><p id="968c">There are some spelling errors throughout the text. These could have been caught with a free spelling tool. Check out this article:</p><div id="2301" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learn-to-love-grammarly-and-avoid-being-unconsciously-judged-9ff708f3937c"> <div> <div> <h2>Learn to Love Grammarly and Avoid Being Unconsciously Judged</h2> <div><h3>All about how Grammarly works and why I went from annoyed to advocate</h3></div>

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    </div><h2 id="a169">Language</h2><p id="0b1f">This is where this piece shines!! I am very impressed by the mental images painted by this young writer. The small details like the moist chew toy and the description of the sound the car makes as it leaves the house are what make stories like this a joy to read. Keep up the good work! And add even more of these little flairs to your writing.</p><h2 id="ed25">Cohesion</h2><p id="3bf0">There are a few details that seem odd or out of place, such as the mom immediately calling the police the second her son finds the chew toy without seeing the dog. However, these are minor and do not really distract from the story as a whole. The ending seems a bit abrupt as though the writer got tired of writing. A bit more suspense could have been built up before ending the story. But it is also a fine line to avoid making a short story drag on too long. All in all, well done.</p><p id="a4f9">I hope you have enjoyed reading this feedback, and if you want to read more like this, please subscribe to the publication. Consider supporting the brave author who submitted this story for feedback by following: <a href="undefined">Mridul Vijay</a>.</p><p id="e3e1">If you have a story that you would like to have reviewed, follow the link below and leave a comment with a link to your story. I look forward to hearing from you!</p><div id="20f8" class="link-block">
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Let Me Read Your Story

A Brave Young Writer!

Feedback on “A Shock for the Smith Family”

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

In these articles, I read a story submitted by a brave writer looking for feedback. I will comment on format, pictures, grammar, language, and cohesion. All my feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this.

First of all, I want to salute the bravery of Mridul Vijay, for being the first to submit a story for review in the “Let Me Read Your Story”-initiative! Awesome!

I want to start by taking a step back and mentioning the “About Me” of Mridul Vijay. This is a 12-year-old who is writing short stories! It’s very inspirational to see examples of this, showing that anybody can and should write.

Writing for me is like a box of Legos. With Legos I can create things that aren’t in this world. — Mridul Vijay

I love the quote above. Comparing writing with Legos paints a great mental picture, combining the creative process with the childish joy of simply playing around. Could there be any better analogy for a young writer?

Feedback

All right, on to the story itself. Mridul submitted the following story:

I encourage anyone reading this to read the story first and THEN read my feedback below. It’s a short story, so you’ll be back here in no time ;)

First off, as a short story, there is probably no need for a subtitle, so though it looks strange to me with no subtitle, I believe it’s fine for this format.

The feature picture shows a street and seems to be meant to set the stage for the story, but when reading the story there seems to be a mismatch between the type of neighborhood shown in the picture and the one described in the story (e.g. houses with terraces and driveways).

Tip 1: Ensure that your pictures fit with your story. The first picture leaves a big impression on the reader and can serve to either support your story greatly or confuse the reader, depending on how well it fits the story.

The story starts with a rather bleak sentence:

One dark and windy day, Sarah left home never to be seen again.

This seems to suggest that whoever Sarah is, she seems to be gone for good. This type of revealing the ending from the outset can be a great writing ploy, to make the reader interested in what happened or how we are going to get to that point in the story. However, this is a trick in this case. (Spoiler Alert!) Sarah is actually found again, and not too long after vanishing. This leaves a strange feeling for the reader when reaching the end of the story.

Tip 2: If using the ploy of revealing the destination before describing the journey, make sure that you do not describe something that does not end up happening. This can create a strange dissonance in the mind of the reader.

The description of the chew toy as always being moist from Sarah’s biting is great and will sound very familiar to any dog owner. I can almost feel the sensation of picking up my old dog’s toy after a good chewing. Furthermore, it is a subtle way of revealing that Sarah is (likely!) a dog. At least, if the story ended up revealing that Sarah was not a dog, that would be a big surprise twist!

Also, the description of the car as it leaves is really good:

The car rumbled like a washing machine as it pulled out of the driveway

This evokes images of both the sounds it likely made and rickety vibrating movements. Great job.

The reaction of the mother, to losing her dog, is well described, but we don’t get to hear much about how Sam reacts. This would have been a great addition. The emotional side is lacking a little. However the actions are detailed and there are small things added, such as that Sam needs to return to make more posters. This is not moving the story but added to provide more depth and realism. These small details that are not necessary to the story are what many people might forget to add, which would leave their stories quite shallow. It’s nice to see these in a fictional story, and you could easily have added even a bit more. I love the sentence about the “delinquents” that are calling because they have nothing better to do. That had me chuckling.

Summary

Formatting

For a fictional short story, formatting becomes less of an issue. So no real comments here.

Pictures

The featured image seems great for setting the scene at first glance, but the mismatch with the type of residences described in the text leaves the reader a little confused. Some room for improvement, but definitely not bad!

Grammar

There are some spelling errors throughout the text. These could have been caught with a free spelling tool. Check out this article:

Language

This is where this piece shines!! I am very impressed by the mental images painted by this young writer. The small details like the moist chew toy and the description of the sound the car makes as it leaves the house are what make stories like this a joy to read. Keep up the good work! And add even more of these little flairs to your writing.

Cohesion

There are a few details that seem odd or out of place, such as the mom immediately calling the police the second her son finds the chew toy without seeing the dog. However, these are minor and do not really distract from the story as a whole. The ending seems a bit abrupt as though the writer got tired of writing. A bit more suspense could have been built up before ending the story. But it is also a fine line to avoid making a short story drag on too long. All in all, well done.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this feedback, and if you want to read more like this, please subscribe to the publication. Consider supporting the brave author who submitted this story for feedback by following: Mridul Vijay.

If you have a story that you would like to have reviewed, follow the link below and leave a comment with a link to your story. I look forward to hearing from you!

If you want to support me, and the other (actually talented) writers on Medium, please consider signing up to become a Medium member. If you use my referral link I get a small commission at no extra cost to you.

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