The Truth Comes Out
A Revealing Email About Me at Work
I wasn’t meant to see
Years ago, my then boss Janet, introduced me to “Dick” when he joined our company. Janet was excited because she realized that Dick and I could cross-pollinate. I felt like Dick’s mind was in the gutter like most of your minds.
I, on the other hand, was all for the brain exchange.
But Dick — not so much.
I was as eager as when I used to run home to watch Leave it to Beaver and feast on Alphagetti at lunch as a child. I practically skipped into Dick’s office in anticipation, sporting my best goodie-two-shoes attitude, amidst thoughtful questions I prepared to quench my genuine thirst for knowledge.
Dick was obviously very proud to impart HIS wisdom upon me, as I took copious notes. When we were done, I said I looked forward to returning the favour. I asked when he wished to meet, so I could share some best practices I had learned over the years.
I was as gobsmacked — like when I found half a dead mouse in a mousetrap — when he smugly rejected my offer. “Actually, I’m good.” He grinned.
All righty then.
That was one thing. But then a new colleague I’ll call “pRick” started, and I began to notice something. Dick would make backhanded remarks to pRick that I felt were directed towards me.
It was obvious that I wasn’t one of the cool kids.
Could it possibly have been my sensible shoes, knee highs, lime green pleated skirt, paired with a purple hot-flash ready tank top, leopard sweater, and braids I wore on the top of my head with a big fuchsia flower?
Nah.
I checked myself to ensure I wasn’t being paranoid. But Dick would repeatedly make undermining comments that were definitely an unwarranted dig at me, while sabotaging collaboration.
“You redid that group assignment, so it reads better, right?” Dick would ask pRick loud enough for me to hear, knowing full well I was the only other one who worked on it.
When I asked for clarification, Dick replied in a cocky condescending tone, “Don’t worry about it. We’re good.”
Eventually and thankfully, Dick left the organization to take on a VP role at a larger firm, as is often the case with narcissists who elbow their way up to the top. pRick continued in Dick’s footsteps, doing things his own way, being disrespectful, and NOT being a team player. And before he could land a VP role elsewhere, pRick got let go for being a prick.
Cue Nelson from the Simpsons: HA HA!
I was sitting with my boss, staring at her computer screen later that day, as we worked on some budgets together. I suck at math, so I was as laser-focused as competitive bridezillas at a wedding gown sample sale.
All of a sudden, up pops an email with the subject: Shirley
It brought back the same awkward feeling I had when I let out a cacophony of machine gun style farts in the restroom. Janet witnessed the explosions, as we both uncomfortably washed our hands side-by-side.
We saw the email was from Dick, addressed to his protégé pRick. Dick didn’t realize that his buddy pRick had just been let go. And pRick’s emails got automatically forwarded to my boss, Janet.
“This should be interesting! Mind if I open it?” Janet asked as I nodded with innocent Bambi-like wide eyes.
Janet knew Dick had been quite a dick, including corrupting the new hire. Rumour had it, it was a good thing Dick left — before he had been invited to do so.
So here’s what Dick said to pRick:
Subject: Shirley
“Just for kicks, you should count the number of times Shirley uses the word “indeed” today. That’s the number of shots we’ll have at the bar tonight. We’re gonna get wasted!”
Hmmmmm….
I guess I said the word indeed more than I realized.
But more than that, this was the smoking gun to prove to myself I wasn’t being paranoid about Dick being a dick and turning pRick into a dreaded mini-pRick dick.
Janet said, “Well you weren’t kidding about him having it out for you!” As she forwarded the email to HR, adding a note: “FYI — another example for your records”.
I smugly grinned and affirmed, “Indeed!!!”
Thank you to brilliant https://medium.com/doctor-funny editor Kristine Laco
Thank you for reading my story.
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