The Anticipation Was Killing Me

I Couldn’t Wait to Meet This Guy!

In A Word: Moist

He was my friend’s cousin.

She had told me all about him. It was her fault.

They had travelled together across Asia. I was most captivated by her stories. But mostly because of what she said about him.

I kept bugging her. Like that pesky mosquito buzzing in my ear when I was trying to make out at camp for the first time.

When could I meet him?

She told me she was planning a summer B.B.Q. But alas, it didn’t happen. Then there was the promise of apple picking in the fall. He didn’t show up.

Surely, she could sense how badly I needed to meet this man of intrigue. But don’t call me Shirley. Okay — go ahead.

Then the magical news came like an unexpected chocolate waterfall at a wedding. She was getting married. He would be there! He would be easy to spot because he was going to be her M.C. I was beyond excited!

But it was seven months away…

No worries, I could prepare. Lose those five extra pounds so I could look good in my dress. And have a conversation with him!

After what seemed like seven months, (because it was), the big day arrived. Okay, so I may have actually gained five pounds instead. But I still looked cute in a brand new dress. And some highfalutin foundation garments I also had to purchase as a result. Despite which, I could barely contain myself.

The ceremony dragged on and on. It all sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher as I tried to spot him. “Wa wa-wa, wa-wa.” How could I possibly pick him out in the crowd?

I would have to wait until dinner.

Which was after the cocktail hour — lasting way longer than an hour, mind you. I couldn’t take it anymore!!! So I focused on indulging in the zesty cheese ball instead. Forcing the foundation garments to really earn their keep.

When the doors finally opened, there he was. He stood up and made his first announcement. It was dreamy!

But then he disappeared — to eat dinner. Damn. I thought I would choke on my rubber chicken.

After dinner, the bride came by my table and I had to remember to congratulate her and tell her she looked radiant blah blah blah before I blurted out, “Would you please introduce me to your cousin?”

“Of course!” She said. I heard the angels singing.

My heart was pounding out of my chest, when after all this time, he finally stood before me in all his glory.

“I hear you had quite the trip!” I started tentatively.

“Why yes.” He beamed.

“And that at one point you did the touristy camel thing.” I added.

“Yep, sure did.” He confirmed.

“And that after your cousin’s camel came to an abrupt stop in front of you, your camel was determined to keep moving forward. The only thing that stopped your camel, was your big toe somehow managed to slide into her camel’s butt hole. Right in. Like a plug.” I pressed.

“That’s true.” He blushed.

“Well, I’ve been waiting over a year to ask you this very important question.” I took a deep breath. “How was it???????”

“In a word: moist.” He simply replied.

And that my friends, is my true camel toe story.

Thank you for reading my story.

Thank you to https://medium.com/@mburg1955

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