IF THE TAILPIPE’S BELCHIN’ BLACK SMOKE IT’S TIME FOR A TRADE-IN
A Relationship Story
With a car? With a person? You decide.
That new car smell
Can’t wait to drive it off the lot
Cruise down the street
Park it in the driveway
Make the neighbors jealous
First lube and oil change
Looks good as new
Nothing wrong with this baby
It’ll run forever
Just needs routine maintenance
First parking lot door ding
Sad
But these things happen
Can barely tell
Thanks for the touch-up paint
30-thousand mile check-up
Is this bill right?!
Didn’t want to buy it all over again!
Good for the long haul, so worth it, you think
Halfway through paying it off
My parents bought a house for this price
There’s junk in the trunk
But a wash and a wax and it looks good as new, you think
Just don’t park it next to a new car
100,000 miles
Nearly paid off
Dependable transportation
But wait, what’s that funny noise?
“Ergh, ergh, catchunk, catchunk” you say to your excellent trustworthy mechanic
He just laughs
“That sounds expensive” he says as you sweat
“I’ll have a look” he says
“Leave it ’til Tuesday”
“I’ll get to it”
He returns to his beer and a smoke out back
Tuesdays come and Tuesdays go
The rental’s nice but you could never afford it long term
“What the fuck?! you scream at the stupid grease monkey
“You’ve had this thing longer than I have!”
“I was gonna call you today” he says
There’s not an ounce of shame in his voice
“It’s $4,500 or so to fix the Ergh, ergh, catchunk, catchunk” he says
“See, it’s right here in the computer diagnostic codes”
“Let’s do this” you grunt, mentally amortizing over the vehicle’s lifespan
Cheap really, you think, buttocks clenched
“That’s $6,742.17” he says two weeks later
“I did say ‘$4,500 or so’” the devil’s head gasket smirks
You’re happy to be on the road again in your familiar ride
Time for a trade-in you think
Next time this thing’ll be belching black smoke
That’s real expensive
You vow to purchase a gently-used previously-owned one, low mileage
Someone else took the financial hit when they drove it off the lot
You’re no dummy
Should you get the extended warranty?
Nah
What could go wrong?